DR. BOLI CAN now be found at drboli.com, where he continues to enrage and delight readers in approximately equal proportions.
Movie of the Week: “Dance Apocalypse” (2008). A group of teenagers from a poor neighborhood struggle to save their beloved strip mall from an evil developer who wants to tear it down and build a dance academy. Check local listings for times.
The famous cabinet meeting at which President Lincoln read Artemus Ward’s “Outrage in Utiky,” to the great amusement of everyone but Stanton.
SOME DISCUSSION HAVING passed among our correspondents as to who might serve as Secretary of War in a Harding administration, it may interest readers to know that Harding is reported to favor Mr. Edwin M. Stanton, who has already served in that position under the late Presidents Lincoln and (Andrew) Johnson. Our informant says that Harding is impressed with Mr. Stanton’s gravity of demeanor, citing the case of the Cabinet meeting of July 22, 1862, at which Lincoln read Artemus Ward’s “Outrage in Utiky,” producing riotous laughter among all present except Stanton. President Lincoln then favored the cabinet with the first reading of his Emancipation Proclamation, but Stanton did not laugh at that, either. Mr. Harding believes that a man who can hear “Outrage in Utiky” without so much as a smile must be either very serious-minded or very mean-spirited, and both of those qualities are desirable in a Secretary of War.
VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE Spiro T. Agnew gave a speech last night that one correspondent described as “full of incoherent alliteration.” Agnew, who has been dead since 1996, strayed so far from his stated topic (“The Presidency of the Senate as a Source of Supplemental Income,” according to the program) that some observers have begun quietly raising questions about his health.
A Fringe Party delegate from the Mexican War Streets was ejected from the convention for throwing bar peanuts at a Dispatch correspondent, whom he repeatedly called a “Yuppie freak.”
It appears that a whole batch of marshmallows purchased by Irv’s Bar and Grill may have gone bad, as several purchasers of multiple chocolate marshmallow martinis have complained of dizziness, disorientation, nausea, and slurred speech.
Tonight’s eagerly anticipated acceptance speech by Warren G. Harding has been postponed until at least midnight, following a worrisome confrontation between police and a dangerous protester or lunatic outside the convention venue. According to a police statement, a man identifying himself only as Irv, who is on the FBI list of known convention troublemakers, was demanding entry to the convention venue, and became belligerent when he was stopped three blocks away. The man is described as 5 feet 8 inches tall, about 190 pounds, wearing an “Irv’s Bar & Grill” T-shirt. He is being held for psychological evaluation.
OUR CORRESPONDENT REPORTS that most of the past 48 hours at the Fringe Party convention have been taken up with the dull but necessary business of compiling a party platform. Among the more important planks discussed:
RESOLVED: That the Fringe Party shall stand for good things and against bad things. Accepted with an amendment specifying that the good things shall not be inordinately beneficial to the poor.
RESOLVED: That the problems facing America today are attributable mainly to immigrants: specifically, to Miss Yekaterina Ivanevna Perovski, who smells up Point Breeze with her strange cabbage-based cookery, and Mr. Randolph Tang, formerly of Hong Kong, whose perfectly manicured lawn makes the rest of Spring Hill look bad. Accepted with an amendment adding that the enumeration of certain immigrants is not to be construed as implying that other immigrants do not smell just as bad.
RESOLVED: That matters of public policy ought to be decided on the basis of the best evidence available. Rejected with some violence.
RESOLVED: That America is the best country in the world, and that Americans are the best people in the world. Accepted by unanimous vote.
RESOLVED: That this country has been run into the sewer by the current governing powers and the lazy shiftless layabouts who voted for them. Accepted by unanimous vote.
RESOLVED: That any statement of opinion looks more impressive with the word “RESOLVED” in front of it in capital letters. Still under debate at press time.
From last night’s opening remarks by Wm. Gondola Shedd, Allegheny County Registrar of Dog Licenses and General Secretary of the Fringe National Convention, held at Irv’s Bar and Grill in Hazelwood.
MY FELLOW DELEGATES, ladies and gentlemen, patriots all:
As I gaze out on your smiling faces, smiling with eager anticipation, or whatever it is, I am reminded of the story of the Irishman and his Jewish sister. But this is not the time for idle pleasantries. We are a nation in crisis, and only firm leadership can lead us firmly. Through the crisis, I mean. Esther, another chocolate marshmallow martini, please. Leadership is not born; it is made, I suspect in a factory in Indonesia somewhere. The Fringe Party is not the largest political party in America, but it is unique in the depth of talented leadership it possesses. It is also unique in that its delegates are all pairs of twins, which I am prepared to swear on a stack of Bibles was not the case when I walked in here. What’s up with that? Esther, another please. Good lord, there are two of her, too. In short, although I believe I may have skipped over something here, it is time for us, the true Americans, to take back America from those other Americans. If they’re through playing with it. And in conclusion, I would just like to say that this sounded a whole lot more coherent in front of the mirror last night. Esther, do you think maybe these marshmallows have gone bad?