OUR CORRESPONDENT REPORTS that most of the past 48 hours at the Fringe Party convention have been taken up with the dull but necessary business of compiling a party platform. Among the more important planks discussed:
RESOLVED: That the Fringe Party shall stand for good things and against bad things. Accepted with an amendment specifying that the good things shall not be inordinately beneficial to the poor.
RESOLVED: That the problems facing America today are attributable mainly to immigrants: specifically, to Miss Yekaterina Ivanevna Perovski, who smells up Point Breeze with her strange cabbage-based cookery, and Mr. Randolph Tang, formerly of Hong Kong, whose perfectly manicured lawn makes the rest of Spring Hill look bad. Accepted with an amendment adding that the enumeration of certain immigrants is not to be construed as implying that other immigrants do not smell just as bad.
RESOLVED: That matters of public policy ought to be decided on the basis of the best evidence available. Rejected with some violence.
RESOLVED: That America is the best country in the world, and that Americans are the best people in the world. Accepted by unanimous vote.
RESOLVED: That this country has been run into the sewer by the current governing powers and the lazy shiftless layabouts who voted for them. Accepted by unanimous vote.
RESOLVED: That any statement of opinion looks more impressive with the word “RESOLVED” in front of it in capital letters. Still under debate at press time.
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One would hope they could also pass a resolution on the ideal size of Government: That it should be small enough not to interfere in any of *my* affairs, but large enough to interfere fully in the affairs of anyone I decide I don’t like.
The honorable member from Chicago submits a proposed plank that all future tax increases shall fall exclusively on professions, ethnicities, or other vaguely definable groups unlikely to vote for the Fringe party anyways, or on industries whose leading corporate representatives have a history of donating far more cash to SuperPACs that support the other parties far more than they do to our own good friends at the FringePAC.
The dishonorable member from Chicago in turn points out that SOMEONE lost the paperwork for properly registering the FringePAC, and thus the generous checks from Brenneman’s Pharmaceuticals and the Dumont Network have not as yet been able to be deposited. The sack of small unmarked bills from the Schenectady Small Arms and Biscuit Company, however, has been put to good use as a down payment on the convention’s bar tab here at Irv’s.