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Published in: on September 2, 2012 at 5:15 am  Comments (5)  

FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.

Published in: on September 1, 2012 at 9:25 am  Comments (2)  

IN THE NEWS.

A LONE PROTESTER was arrested at Irv’s Bar and Grill in Hazelwood, where police say he was attempting to interfere with preparations for the Fringe Party convention that begins there Sunday evening. The protester told police his name was Irv, but refused to give any other details.

Published in: on August 31, 2012 at 9:30 pm  Comments (1)  

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Published in: on August 30, 2012 at 10:38 pm  Comments (2)  

OUR VALUED CORRESPONDENTS.

THE ADVERTISEMENT PLACED by Mlle Uzanne, purveyor of fine fashions for ramparts and barricades, provoked much discussion of the battle of Bull Run, or Manassas from the Southern point of view, which was a great disappointment to the crowd of Unionist picnickers who had gathered to watch the entertainment. Frequent correspondent “Martin the Mess” wondered whether Mlle Uzanne might have a boutique in Manassas, explaining later, “I was trying to reference the First Battle of Bull Run, which took place near Manassas (and thus is called as such by certain ornery historians), and at which fine ladies and gentlemen from the Capital brought picnic lunches so as to observe the rebels get a right good thrashing, but were quickly forced to flee with much soiling of petticoats when the Confederates proved unexpectedly victorious. I figured, that was a good place to find gentlewomen in need of battle-observing fashions. If only to replace the soiled petticoats.”

It is a strange fact that the mostly rural Southerners tended to name Civil War battles after nearby towns and cities, whereas the much more urbanized North named many of the same battles after streams and rivers. To this day, Bull Run marks the traditional boundary between what southern Virginians would consider the real Virginia and Yankee Virginia, the part that was occupied by the North in the Civil War and is still regarded as Union-occupied territory by true sons of the South. The area of Northern occupation is expanding, however, and commuter trains now reach out like kraken arms from the wicked Union capital of Washington to Manassas and even as far south as Fredericksburg, which proves that thousands of traitors to the Lost Cause have infiltrated the real Virginia. 

The real Virginia has, however, made use of its nominal administrative control over Yankee Virginia to exact its own cunning revenge by naming all the highways after Confederate war criminals.

Published in: on August 29, 2012 at 9:31 am  Comments (1)  

THINGS WE SIMPLY CANNOT IMPROVE.

MR. WILLIAM CAXTON, the first English printer, wrote in the preface to his English retelling of the Aeneid that he had written the tale to be understood, not to flaunt his vocabulary. The spelling and punctuation have been modernized, but the words are otherwise as Caxton wrote them.

And that common English that is spoken in one shire varieth from another. Insomuch that in my days happened that certain merchants were in a ship in Thames for to have sailed over the sea into Zealand, and for lack of wind, they tarried at Foreland, and went to land for to refresh them. And one of them named Sheffield, a mercer, came into an house and asked for meat; and specially he asked after eggs. And the goodwife answered that she could speak no French. And the merchant was angry, for he also could speak no French, but would have had eggs, and she understood him not.

And then at last another said that he would have eyren. Then the goodwife said that she understood him well.

Lo, what should a man in these days now write—“eggs” or “eyren”? Certainly it is hard to please every man because of diversity and change of language. For in these days every man that is in any reputation in his country will utter his communication and matters in such manners and terms that few men shall understand them. And some honest and great clerks have been with me, and desired me to write the most curious terms that I could find.

And thus between plain rude and curious, I stand abashed. But in my judgment, the common terms that be daily used be lighter to be understood than the old and ancient English.

Published in: on August 28, 2012 at 9:37 pm  Leave a Comment  

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Published in: on August 27, 2012 at 10:38 pm  Comments (6)  

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

ON THIS DAY in 1920, the Nineteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution became part of the fundamental law of the land. In honor of this momentous anniversary, we offer this photograph of Susan B. Anthony doing Elizabeth Cady Stanton’s hair.

Published in: on August 26, 2012 at 9:24 pm  Comments (1)  

IN SPORTS NEWS.

IN HIGH-SCHOOL football, the Bishop Canevin Crusaders defeated the West Catholic Inquisitors, 21-18. This is the Crusaders’ second win of the new season, following Friday night’s victory over the St. Gregory Thaumaturgus Blessed Virgins.

Published in: on August 26, 2012 at 8:49 pm  Comments (5)  

REMARKABLE ANIMALS.

AN ORDINARY PIGEON kept by Mr. Ecgfrith Shoemaker can transform itself into a dove without breaking a sweat.

By turning his exercise wheel, a hamster named Charlie generates electric power for as many as half a million Duquesne Light customers in southern Pittsburgh and adjacent boroughs.

“Lambert,” a Siamese cat in Wolverhampton, Mass., has voted Socialist Workers in every election since 1998.

A squirrel in Sandusky, Ohio, knows every song Cole Porter ever wrote, but has never succeeded in teaching himself to sing.

A single alpaca named Manuel provides the raw material for all the Peruvian hats sold at street markets in the United States.

Published in: on August 25, 2012 at 10:43 pm  Comments (1)