Sir: Our infrastructure is in a sorry state. Bridges are creaky and dropping chunks of concrete. Roads are full of potholes. Sidewalks are crumbling. All these things desperately need work—and, in far too many cases, no one is out there working.
Yet, at the same time, Dan Brown continues to write more amateurish thrillers as if he were doing the world a favor. Why is he allowed to clutter up the literary landscape with formulaic rubbish when the Greenfield Bridge is falling down on the Parkway? If he has time to plot out a dozen more novels featuring Robert Langdon of Harvard’s renowned Department of Symbology, he has time to pour some concrete. No one really needs a ridiculous and contrived story about some centuries-old conspiracy involving the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks and the 4-H Clubs, but everyone would benefit from some maintenance work on the East Busway.
I call upon Congress and the president to see to it that our nation’s infrastructure is made our top priority. Let Dan Brown be put to work wherever an extra hand is needed. Let him spend as many hours a day on real labor as he would otherwise spend failing to make his verbs agree with his subjects. Our prosperity and our literary reputation both depend on it.
Address withheld by request