THE ADVENTURES OF SIR MONTAGUE BLASTOFF, INTERPLANETARY SPACE DRAGOON.

ANNOUNCER. And now Malt-O-Cod, the only malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, proudly presents…

(Music: Fanfare)

ANNOUNCER. The Adventures of Sir Montague Blastoff, Interplanetary Space Dragoon!

(Music: Theme, in and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. Tonight we find Sir Montague busy with Form 267-G, Paperwork Reduction Documentation Checklist, when Colonel Wilhelmina Darling suddenly bursts through the door.

COL. DARLING. Monty! Oh, Monty! You’ll never guess what’s happened!

SIR MONTAGUE. Well, you certainly do look happy about it, whatever it is. I’d say it would have to be some ripping good news.

COL. DARLING. I’ll say it is! I just heard I’m being promoted to brigadier!

SIR MONTAGUE. Brigadier? Are you positively sure?

COL. DARLING. I just heard it from the station master! He just had a message from general headquarters on the communicatron that I was to report to HQ right away!

SIR MONTAGUE. Oh, dear me!

COL. DARLING. Why, Monty, aren’t you happy for me?

SIR MONTAGUE. But you know what this means, don’t you, Colonel?

COL. DARLING. I assume it means more responsibility and a higher pay grade. Why? Is it supposed to mean something else?

SIR MONTAGUE. Why, my dear, it means you’re being… Well, there’s no way to sugar-coat this, is there? It means you’re being written out of the series.

COL. DARLING. Written out? But—but no!

SIR MONTAGUE. Now, my dear, you knew something like this would come eventually.

COL. DARLING. But I thought I had a long time left! I mean—how could it happen to me? I’m only nineteen and ravishingly beautiful!

SIR MONTAGUE. True, you are, as you have been for the past thirty-four seasons. But youth is not always exempt from the inevitable debt of nature.

COL. DARLING. But—but what happens to people when they get…written out?

SIR MONTAGUE. Well, nobody knows, my dear. Some believe they go to a happy place where there are no more bad scripts to memorize and no more sponsors to kowtow to. Some Eastern religions believe they are reincarnated as characters on other radio dramas. And, of course, there are those who think that, after that, there’s, well…nothing.

COL. DARLING. I feel cold.

SIR MONTAGUE. Be brave, Wilhelmina. I shall always remember you and your fine bureaucratic mind fondly. And of course you will live on in reruns. I say, that’s something, isn’t it?

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE. Paging Colonel Wilhelmina Darling! Paging Colonel Wilhelmina Darling!

SIR MONTAGUE. It’s time, my dear.

COL. DARLING. But…but I don’t want to…

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE. Paging Colonel Wilhelmina Darling! Paging Colonel Wilhelmina Darling!

SIR MONTAGUE. You know what you must do.

COL. DARLING (sighing). Darling here.

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE. Oh, there you are. Listen, I’m awfully sorry about this, but you know how hard it is to understand people on the communicatron sometimes, and, well… I just got the papers from the facsimilator, and it turns out—I’m really sorry—that promotion wasn’t for you after all.

COL. DARLING. Not for me?

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE. No, it was for Colonel Gwendolina Barley. I just heard it wrong. I’m really sorry. I know you deserve that promotion more than some random character who doesn’t even have a speaking part.

COL. DARLING. Oh, that’s all right. Really it is.

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE. Well, you’re a very brave girl, and I’m sure you’ll get the promotion you deserve someday. Station master out.

COL. DARLING. Oh, Monty! That means I’m not being written out after all! I’m still your sidekick and occasional love interest!

SIR MONTAGUE. And that’s jolly reassuring. I wasn’t looking forward to breaking in another. Now, help us with this paperwork-reduction paperwork, will you, my dear?

(Music: Theme, in and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. Don’t miss next week’s exciting episode: Sir Montague Blastoff Fills Out a Purchase Order! Till then, remember that a day without Malt-O-Cod increases your chance of dying in an alpine avalanche by more than 18%. Don’t take chances with your growing body. Drink Malt-O-Cod every day. Malt-O-Cod is the only malt food drink with the rich, satisfying flavor of real cod-liver oil, now with the exclusive Sir Montague Blastoff rubber stamp in every package. It’s the malt food drink that’s brain food—Malt-O-Cod!

(Music: In full, then out.)

Published in: on June 5, 2012 at 10:57 am  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Wonderful, counselor! All Malt-o-Cod is everlasting fodder in bins with peas.


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