IF YOU SEE anyone in your neighborhood engaging in any of these suspicious activities, call your local office of the Department of Homeland Security at once. If you do not know the number of your local Homeland Security office, stand at your bedroom window and wave your arm broadly back and forth three times, and an authorized Homeland Security agent will call you within fifteen seconds.
Driving over the speed limit. Terrorists often break speed laws in an attempt to escape from the scene of one of their failed atrocities.
Driving at or under the speed limit. Terrorists are often unusually observant of speed laws in an attempt to avoid detection.
Owning a vehicle capable of transporting toxic chemicals, such as (for example) an automobile.
Using maps. Good citizens always know where they are going and how to get there.
Photographing historic buildings. Terrorists often use photographs of historic buildings to blackmail historic figures.
Debating controversial issues. Anyone who holds opinions different from yours on political or social issues is obviously up to something.
Refusing to sign up for the local supermarket’s loyalty card. No innocent citizen with nothing to hide refuses to enjoy the many benefits of supermarket loyalty-card programs.
Reading long classic novels. No one actually reads Moby Dick or War and Peace. The books are probably explosive devices.
Not attracting attention. If someone is not doing anything unusual and appears in all respects perfectly normal, it is probably a terrorist trying not to look suspicious.
REMEMBER: Our department will be funded at its current level ONLY if everyone maintains a state of constant paranoid vigilance. KEEP ALERT AT ALL TIMES.