CAPTAIN PLEONASM MEETS PIPEFINGER.

Although no recordings of the old Captain Pleonasm radio serial have survived, a number of the original scripts were recently unearthed in the archives of the Northern Broadcasting Company.

ANNOUNCER. Malt-O-Cod, the delicious and nutritious malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…

(Music: Theme, up and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. The Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy! Now featuring the Malt-O-Cod Orchestra and Chorus, directed by Alban Berg.

(Music: In full.)

CHORUS. Don’t throw a fit or have a spasm:
It’s time for Captain Pleonasm!
He battles evil, and, forsooth,
He fights for justice and for truth!
He hates the bad and loves the good,
As self-respecting heroes should.
He conquers villains strange and odd,
And saves the world for Malt-O-Cod!

(Music: Fade.)

ANNOUNCER. As you recall, in last week’s episode, Captain Pleonasm and Interjection Boy had just arrived at the scene of a mysterious break-in at a plumbing-supplies store, when suddenly…

CAPT. PLEONASM. Look out, Interjection Boy! Take steps to evade an attack! An unknown assailant lurks in the shadows, taking advantage of the cover of darkness in an attempt to remain unseen!

INTERJECTION BOY. Jumpin’ Jebusites, Captain Pleonasm! He’s got a gun pointed at us!

PIPEFINGER. It’s just my finger.

CAPTAIN PLEONASM. Lo and behold! The figure speaks! From the unknown being in the darkness and shadow proceeds a voice that—

INTERJECTION BOY. Merciful malamutes, Captain Pleonasm, will you let him talk?

PIPEFINGER. I am pointing at you, Captain Pleonasm, because I have a warning for you.

INTERJECTION BOY. Margaret Morrison, mister, is that really your finger? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a finger that long.

PIPEFINGER. That is because I am Pipefinger, and from now on every plumbing-supply dealer in the tri-state area will live in terror of me!

INTERJECTION BOY. Golly gumdrops, Captain Pleonasm, it’s a new supervillain!

(Music: Stinger.)

CAPT. PLEONASM. Then what is your evil scheme, O long-fingered villain of the night? What dreadful fate have you plotted for me and my faithful and trustworthy sidekick and assistant, known to the world as Interjection Boy?

PIPEFINGER. I’ll tell you all about that soon enough, but first you have to hear my origin story. I didn’t lure you here just to do away with you before you could even hear my origin story. Now you must listen!

INTERJECTION BOY. Heck, that seems fair, Captain Pleonasm. The least we could do is listen to his tragic origin story.

PIPEFINGER. Once I was an ordinary plumber, no different from millions of other ordinary plumbers. But then, one day, I picked up a six-inch length of copper pipe. Noticing that there was a bit of putty stuck inside it, I pushed my finger in and tried to remove the debris. And my finger got stuck! It was sealed in there by the putty!

CAPTAIN PLEONASM. And what terrible and destructive powers has this unnatural junction of man and pipe given you? With what awesome abilities are you cursed?

PIPEFINGER. Well, I’ve got a pipe. On my finger.

INTERJECTION BOY. Well, natterin’ nabobs, Pipefinger, that doesn’t sound like much of a superpower.

PIPEFINGER. My right index finger! Do you have any idea how annoying that is?

INTERJECTION BOY. Gracious gallinules, Pipefinger, you mean your superpower is that you’re annoyed?

PIPEFINGER. All the time! And now I have come to wreak my revenge on all dealers in plumbing supplies!

(Music: Stinger.)

ANNOUNCER. Will Captain Pleonasm and Interjection Boy succumb to the dreadful fate prepared for them by Pipefinger, whatever it is? Will Pipefinger’s annoyance make serious inroads into the profits of the plumbing-supplies industry in the tri-state area? Don’t miss next week’s hair-raising, knuckle-whitening episode of the Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy!

(Music: Theme, in full and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. When Captain Pleonasm comes back after a long night of keeping the city’s plumbing-supplies emporia safe from supervillainy, what’s the first thing he reaches for? It’s Malt-O-Cod, the only malt beverage flavored with 100% real cod-liver oil. Kids, ask your moms for Malt-O-Cod, now with an official Captain Pleonasm pipe wrench in every package. (Use only as directed.) It’s the malt food drink that’s brain food—Malt-O-Cod.

(Music: In full, then out.)

Published in: on January 9, 2012 at 12:09 pm  Leave a Comment  

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