Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The hit Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: Anonymous threats written in a clumsy undergraduate attempt at Moeso-Gothic lead Dr. Skeat to suspect that one of her old students has never forgotten his D minus.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: “How Would Jesus Vote?” Detailed instructions for choosing candidates for controller, county council, and registrar of deeds.
Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: In the series finale, chain stores buy out all the storefronts on Main Street, and Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin develops a mysterious ailment that makes him act normal.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: “The Corinthians are revolting!” says Hephaestion. “You can say that again!” says Alexander. Will they be able to overcome their fits of giggles before the Persian ambassador arrives?
Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Our ancestors used to use wooden clubs. Were they morons or what?
Baldwin Borough Community TV: Burgess’ Weekly Address (public affairs). Highlight: List of residents exiled to Brentwood in this week’s purge.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Derek’s attempt to refill the tape dispenser ends badly.
The Lawnmower Channel: The Vegetable Garden (documentary). How to eliminate common vegetables and other broadleaf weeds with herbicides, preserving the purity of your lawn.
Science Central: Ghost Investigators (documentary). Tonight: Although the show was canceled weeks ago, it still somehow continues to haunt the Science Central network once a week.