THANK YOU FOR welcoming Miss Diana Smoulder, the Ravishing Heartthrob of the Hurdy-Gurdy, to your concert venue. As you are doubtless aware, world-class artists have exacting standards, which must be met in order for their performances to rise to the level of excellence we expect from them. Miss Smoulder requires certain conditions in order to perform at her best, and these conditions are enumerated in this section of her contract with you.
1. Limousine drivers are required to wear Richard Nixon masks at all times.
2. Miss Smoulder shall be driven on concrete highways only. No asphalt.
3. Miss Smoulder’s dressing room must be an exact duplicate of the Audience Chamber at Topkapi Palace as it was decorated in 1719.
4. Catering staff must provide five saltine crackers from which the salt has been removed with tweezers.
5. Each time Miss Smoulder says something intended to be witty, staff must laugh for no fewer than twelve seconds per incident.
6. No one shall be permitted to work with or near Miss Smoulder who is unable to recognize when she is saying something intended to be witty. In cases of doubt, the decision of Miss Smoulder shall be final.
7. One member of staff, male, between eighteen and twenty-three years of age, blond, with well-defined musculature, shall be deputed to act as a footstool for the duration of Miss Smoulder’s stay, and shall be retained by Miss Smoulder as a souvenir of her visit.
8. Members of the audience who do not applaud with sufficient enthusiasm shall be subject to fine and/or imprisonment.
9. The enumeration in this Contract of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by Miss Smoulder.
10. If for any reason Miss Smoulder is forced to cancel her performance at the last minute, she will graciously consent to return the five saltine crackers, or the unused portion thereof.