Sir: I am not a conspiracy theorist. Personally, I believe there is a very strong likelihood that President Obama is not a reptilian being from a distant galaxy who is using the presidency as a cover for a giant operation to provide his evil masters with a constant supply of human infants’ brains. Yet in spite of our questions, repeated over and over at every opportunity, he has only once released DNA-test data to prove he is human. Why won’t he do it again every time we ask him? What is he hiding? —Sincerely, Pfthann-Drox, Exalted Centurion of the 31st Andromedan Cohort.