Even before Bob and Ray and the Monongahela Metal Foundry, whose Extra-Shiny Steel Ingots graced the tables of all the best society families, some people knew the Monogahela as the river that flows past New Eagle on its way to meeting the Allegheny at the Point, a mystical confluence from which science and culture and all good things radiate to the rest of the benighted world.
Dr. Boli is not sure whether he can live up to your expectations of him, but he is grateful for your confidence.
The purpose of Church, it is clear, is to administer such grace to men as makes them commit all of the pious sins rather than any of the impious ones. Regrettably, I find no instructions in the Bible explaining how to make this remarkable transformation occur. Are all we churchmen thus doomed to failure? Are God, Life, and Truth all a big hoax now?
Deacon Calvin Lewis Gumbo
Repent Or Parish, Springfield.
Horizontal Opportunities, Inc.
New Eagle, Pennsylvania
It was with considerable interest that I regarded your advertisement of Friday last, and accordingly I have caused this dictation to be transcribed and posted to you at the earliest opportunity, eager as I am to avail myself of your most enticing offer.
I trust that it shall not be necessary to apply in person, for, as a man of great lethargy, such an expedition could not but prove exceedingly distasteful to me. Would that you will pardon the perhaps understandable pride with which I say that my indolence testifies to my status as a veritable model of sofa-occupying deportment, and indeed, if you will forgive the lack of humility, that you could scarcely do better than to avail yourself of my not inconsiderable experience in dormancy.
Should my proposal prove satisfactory, please apply to my residence in Pitcairn Borough, preferably with a couch for me to test in real-world conditions forthwith, as my present sofa has come to assume the mold of my body to a rather alarming degree.