HOW TO WASH YOUR HANDS.

1. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

2. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

3. Discard the first paper towel, but not the second paper towel.

4. Using the second paper towel, turn on the faucet.

5. Adjust the water temperature so that it is warm but not scalding. This may take some practice, so allow 15 or 20 minutes.

6. Discard the second paper towel.

7. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

8. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

9. Discard the third paper towel, but not the fourth paper towel.

10. Using the fourth paper towel, push the button on the soap dispenser repeatedly.

11. We should have told you to hold your other hand under the soap dispenser, so kick the soap off your shoe and try again, this time holding your other hand under the soap dispenser.

12. Discard the fourth paper towel.

13. Rub your hands briskly under the warm water for the length of time it takes to sing “Chinnin’ and Chattin’ with May.” If you do not know the song “Chinnin’ and Chattin’ with May,” send $5 in unmarked bills to the United Paper Towel Manufacturing Corp., Hays, for the complete authorized sheet music.

14. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

15. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

16. Discard the fifth paper towel, but not the sixth paper towel.

17. Using the sixth paper towel, turn off the faucet.

18. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

19. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

20. Discard the seventh paper towel, but not the eighth paper towel.

21. Using the eighth paper towel, push the button on the United brand forced-air hand-drying machine.

22. Discard the eighth paper towel.

23. Rub your hands briskly and ostentatiously under the United brand forced-air hand-drying machine.

24. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

25. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.

26. Discard the ninth paper towel, but not the tenth paper towel.

27. Using the tenth paper towel, dry your hands.

These instructions provided courtesy of the United Paper Towel Manufacturing Corp., Hays.

Published in: on July 18, 2010 at 10:58 pm  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Sir:

    You have inadvertently omitted the final step: Apply United brand hand sanitizer.

    • But sir! You’ve neglected several other steps relating to the retrieval of the paper towels which are used to depress the pump on the United Brand hand sanitizer bottle, the paper towel used to hold the United Brand Hand Sanitizer bottle, and the paper towels necessary to retrieve these towels as well.

      We cannot afford to be loose with hygiene!

  2. Now I know why the United brand paper towel dispenser costs $592.67.


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