IN HONOR OF the third anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past three years.
Leo. You will walk to the Foodland to purchase margarine. When you arrive, you will discover that butter is on sale. You will consider buying butter instead of margarine, but ultimately will decide to purchase margarine on the grounds that you need to watch your cholesterol.
Virgo. The mail will be at least seventeen and possibly as many as twenty-two minutes late today. It will contain two bills.
Libra. The woman in front of you in line at the bank will smell of mixed cheap perfume and stale cigarettes. You will sneeze.
Scorpio. There is a large wad of chewing gum on the sidewalk on Wood Street just past Weldin’s. Tomorrow you will forget this warning and step in it.
Sagittarius. A tall, dark stranger with a mysterious past will walk to the Foodland to purchase margarine. When he arrives, he will discover that butter is on sale. He will consider buying butter instead of margarine, but ultimately will decide to purchase margarine on the grounds that he needs to watch his cholesterol. None of this will affect you in any way.
Capricorn. The gas gauge reads “Empty,” but you can drive for at least sixty more miles before you really run out of gas.
Aquarius. You forgot that last night was trash night, didn’t you? Maybe if you hurry you can get a bag or two out before the truck comes.
Pisces. The ballpoint pen you find in the back of the drawer will not work, but you will put it back anyway for future generations to discover.
Aries. Your hair will not be very cooperative today.
Taurus. The milk in the back of the refrigerator is past its sell-by date, but it should still be drinkable until Friday.
Gemini. You will see the letter E more often than any other letter today.
Cancer. Once again you will fail to read Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag’s Astrological Prognostications, missing yet another chance to prove their complete and infallible accuracy.