Sir: What has happened to our city schools? What madman has been put in charge of the curriculum? Yesterday my daughter showed me a textbook in which she had been assigned to read a lesson on “tolerance.” “Tolerance”!
Since when has this great nation of ours tolerated “tolerance”? Did the Pilgrims come over on the Mayflower to practice some kind of namby-pamby wishy-washy Birkenstock-wearing tie-dyed if-it-feels-good-do-it “tolerance”? No! They came to New England because Old England wouldn’t let them be as oppressive as God demanded. They came to find a place where they could hang Quakers and whip Baptists and live godly lives.
I thought we were supposed to be free to practice any religion in this country, as long as it was the right one. Well, my religion says your religion is wrong, and I don’t have to tolerate you. My religion tells me that Jesus hates Communists, Catholics, Muslims, Jews, Episcopalians, Democrats, Socialists, every Republican except Pat Roberston, actors, Estonians, Lutherans, parking attendants, phenomenologists, pomegranates, bloggers, and (during football season) every citizen of the greater Cleveland metropolitan area, just for a start. I have a 58-page list of what Jesus hates, and I’m very proud of my little girl for having memorized the first fifteen pages already. She already knows that Jesus wants her to spit on meter-readers and break the windows of any grocery store that sells leeks.
And now I find out that the so-called educators in our city school system are trying to undo all my careful instruction! I would sue the school district for abridging my First Amendment rights, if I didn’t know that Jesus hates lawyers and judges and the United States Constitution.
——Sincerely, Rufus Periwinkle III, D.M.