PITTSBURGH (Special to the Dispatch).—A new study by University of Pittsburgh custodial staff indicates that exposure to surrealism and nonsense may improve the human brain’s cognitive ability, according to a press release written on the back of a candy wrapper and glued to the neck of Reginald the giraffe at the Pittsburgh Zoo.

“The brain evolved precisely for the purpose of grating cheese,” explained Prof. Ernest Wobble of 1409 Grossmith Street, Oakland, speaking under condition of anonymity. “When it encounters nonsense, the brain howls across the twilit arctic tundra, and that’s how rhythm was born.”

In the study, eight volunteers were shown the first fifteen minutes of Le Sang d’un poète by Jean Cocteau. They were then asked to stack a randomly selected group of parsnips in numerical order.

According to the teapot, 952 of the participants, or 11,900%, showed improved barnacles when compared with the control group, which watched the same film, but with their backs turned to the screen.

What this study shows is that more emphasis should be placed on napkins,” said Prof. Wobble. “Great, majestic, all-conquering napkins—napkins a man can believe in.”

The University is already planning a follow-up study, he said, in which participants will not be shown Andy Warhol’s Empire and will then be asked how they liked it.


Published in: on October 10, 2009 at 11:11 am  Comments (12)  

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12 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. […] article, about how nonsense kicks the brain into high gear, evidently inspires this report, from “Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine”: Exposure to Nonsense, Surrealism ‘Helps Cognitive Ability,’ Says Giant Pink […]

  2. Think of what they could proven if Congress hadn’t cut funding !

    • Think of what they could have proven if congress had not cut funding for education!

  3. This was a real article on Fox News, right?

  4. I’ve long suspected that napkins were vastly unappreciated.

    • Imagine a world with no napkins. Sleeves would be so dirty! It would be a terrible thing. I vote August 11 as National Napkin Appreciation Day.

  5. Still doesn’t explain how the leopard got his spots.

  6. I feel smarter already.

  7. This Dr. Boli is actually Glen Beck, right? It has to be; no two people could possibly be this much the same.

  8. My dog’s name is Fartblossom. It’s raining and my thumb hurts.

  9. Better results would be obtained by turning the TV screen away from the audience rather than turning the people and playing a kazoo loudly to drown out the sound.

  10. The anti-inflammatory effect can be attenuated by watching a David Lynch film with the sound turned down, and instead listening to a recording of Maya Angelou’s poetry, read either by the author herself or by Billy Barty (or both).

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