Dear Mr. Occupant,

Your time has come.

We want you to be prosperous. We want you to be rich—a member of that secret society of the wealthy and successful who are the true masters of the world.

The fact is, we know quite a bit about you., Mr. Occupant. We believe in you. We believe in your ability to stand out from the crowd. We believe that you will grow so successful that you will be one of our most valuable acquaintances.

That’s why we have a special secret volume prepared for you, Mr. Current Occupant, and all your descendants.

Yes, that’s right. We’re so sure that this secret volume will become a treasured Occupant family heirloom that we’ve ordered our printers to inscribe it not just to you, but to the entire Occupant family dynasty. Generations of Occupants will grow rich beyond the dreams of avarice—all on the strength of the secrets revealed in this book.

Who are we?

We are the Secret Society of the Onyx Persimmon. We are the wealthy, the successful, the influential, the ultra rich.

We’re just flabbergasted by how much promise we see in you. You should be overwhelmed and excited. Your life is about to change completely. You’re about to make the great leap from mediocrity to excellence. You’re about to embark on a journey of unbelievable good fortune. You’re about to reap rewards beyond anything you could possibly imagine. You’re about to buy our book.

This book isn’t offered to just anybody. In fact, your special volume is already reserved for you and your immediate family—but no one else. Yours is Limited Heirloom Edition No. 6,004,027,628. Only your book bears this number.

Just fill out the form included with this mailing, send it back in the enclosed business-reply envelope, and wire your payment to our numbered account in the Cayman Islands. Your book, and your membership in the Secret Society of the Onyx Persimmon, will be on its way the next day.

Look around you, Mr. Occupant. Say farewell to your poverty, your mediocrity, your ordinary surroundings. The dawn of the Occupant family dynasty is at hand.

General Secretary of the Cabal of the Twelve
Secret Society of the Onyx Persimmon

Published in: on February 18, 2009 at 9:48 pm  Comments (6)  

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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’m afraid the Occupants moved recently, due to the recent mortgage crisis. However, my family is very interested in learning more about your Secret Society. Please address future correspondence to Current Resident.

    Thank you kindly,

    Current Resident

  2. The Occupants and Current Residents can’t be the only ones to benefit. Myself and all of the Holder family want in on this too.

    A. Mailbox Holder, M.D.

  3. Not applicable in Texas, California, or Puerto Rico. No purchase necessary to win.

  4. My mileage varied.

    Am I still eligible?

  5. I’d like to know how proper onyx systems are made and maintained.

  6. I’d like to know about onyx systems

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