IN A PLAINCLOTHES sting operation at the corner of Broadway and Hampshire, eighteen citations for jaywalking were issued.
Police were summoned to the Food Carnival in Westwood to investigate complaints of price-gouging. Police detectives determined that the price in question was actually quite reasonable.
Police responded to a possible homicide in progress in the 800 block of Rockland Avenue. Upon breaking down the door, officers discovered the well-known soprano Julietta della Fripperia rehearsing her part in the upcoming Ruthven Heyser opera, Gray’s Manual of Botany. She remains in custody pending bail.
Police arrested an unnamed man for loitering at the Public Safety Building. When it was determined that the man was a reporter for the Dispatch Police Blotter, he was released without charge.
Eight members of the Dravosburg Interplanetary Society were arrested for blocking traffic in front of the Allegheny Observatory during a demonstration demanding the reinstatement of Pluto’s planetary status.
Miss Elzevira Pockett locked herself out of her 1984 Plymouth Reliant again, but this time police told her just to break a window.
A morning-long undercover investigation at the Steuben Street Bakery, West End, determined that the donuts were indeed fresh but the coffee had sat in the pot too long. A warning was issued to the assistant manager.
Dr. Boli's Celebrated Magazine. 
Ah, our tax dollars at work…
All jests aside, I am certainly looking forward to the upcoming opera, although I have yet to see any advertisements for it. I have been a fervent admirer of Dr. Gray and his work for quite some time, and I think it is high time his successful career in botany was adapted to the stage. I can only hope it will equal the incredible interpretation in dance of Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit by the renowned Letitia von Umbrage that was running recently at Heptagon Gardens, which set the standards for these kinds of productions.