Medical Edition.

Bloodletting. In the year 1784, an acute shortage of leeches (the cause of which remains uncertain to this day) forced the physicians of Bucharest to resort to vampire bats.

Blue Blood. So-called “blue-bloods” are members of an aristocratic class whose primary characteristic is a serious oxygen deficiency in their bloodstreams. Anyone who wishes can become a blue-blood, with all the privileges appertaining to the position, by simply restricting the flow of oxygen to the lungs. You should try it some time.

Cold, Common. When scientists first examined the cold virus under an electron microscope, they were surprised to discover that it was bright green in color and bore markings suspiciously resembling a malevolent smirk.

Consumption. Since the composition of new coloratura arias for popular operas was banned by the League of Nations in 1935, the number of reported cases of consumption in young women has plummeted, and indeed the disease is all but extinct in most civilized nations.

Homeopathy. In 2004, at the instigation of lobbyists from the Dutch Society of Homeopathic Practitioners, the parliament of the Netherlands voted to repeal the laws of physics.

Natural Medicine. Natural medicine is the art of removing the joy from naturally occurring foods. Thus if red wine, green tea, chocolate, or other natural sources of contentment are believed to have some kind of medical value, they must be compressed into tasteless pills. In this way we distinguish medicine from goofing off.

Published in: on July 21, 2008 at 3:20 pm  Comments (1)  

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  1. […] Although in your case I would imagine that the proper definition for you would be: […]

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