ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Why does the sun shine?—Sincerely, The Hon. Alethia Carbon-Fiber, Age 6.
Dear Miss Carbon-Fiber: The sun shines for you because your parents are fortunate enough to be able to pay your solar-energy bills. Millions are not so fortunate, especially in the developing world; thus the phrase “darkest Africa.” Remember, the next time you see the sun shining, how privileged you are, and give a little thought to those less well-off than you. You may wish to suggest to your mommy and daddy that they make a small donation to a solar-energy charity, such as—merely to name one—the Boli African Solar Fund.
Dear Dr. Boli: I have a little spot on my shoulder. My wife says it’s a mole, but I think it’s an alien implant. What should I do?—Sincerely, A Man with a Spot on His Shoulder.
Dear sir: Dr. Boli is a doctor of letters, laws, and philosophy (among other things), but not a medical doctor. He is not qualified to dispense medical advice. He does, however, wonder whether this alien implant is causing you any inconvenience. If it is not, then why not simply tolerate it and forget about it? The aliens are doubtless motivated by the same purely scientific interests that compel ornithologists to band birds. If they wish to compile a body of observational data on the habits and movements of human beings, Dr. Boli thinks they should be allowed to do so, and indeed encouraged. After all, more than one species of rare bird has been saved from extinction by the efforts of ornithologists, and perhaps some day the alien observers may do the same for us.
CORRECTIONS.
In the Calendar of Events on page D-4 yesterday, the six-week course at the Andrew Marvell Center should have been headed “Marital Arts” rather than “Martial Arts.” Full refunds will be offered to anyone who registered by mistake.
In the editorial “Now Is the Time to Vote for Reform,” it was implied that reform could be accomplished through the democratic process. In fact the democratic process is a sham by which the ruling classes engage the unknowing collusion of the oppressed in their own oppression.
The Sunday Magazine profile of Prothonotary James Polk Brenneman listed “macing” as one of his interests. Although Brenneman is a member of the Battle of Hastings Reenactment Society of Edgewood, his office has suggested that “macing” was an unfortunate choice of terminology.
On page B-1, the article on the visit of the pope to North America failed to mention which pope was visiting. We will print a clarification as soon as our correspondents have obtained the relevant information.
On page A-1, the masthead “Waynesburg Times-Traveler” should have read “Pittsburgh Dispatch.” The Dispatch regrets the error.
MEMORANDUM.
To: All Employees
From: The President
Re: Deceased Woodland Animal
All of us here at the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co. are working hard to ensure that the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co. remains “A Great Place to Work,” in the immortal words of my illustrious predecessor Wilbert Rutherford Pinckney.
In this immediate context it has been determined that a deceased woodland animal has been found in parking lot number 4.
Please be advised that this is in conflict with Human Resources policy # 12,980,873 B-4, which prohibits woodland animals from accessing parking lots for purposes of bucket-kicking without prior approval, which must be obtained by filing form WA-15 (DEAD) no less than 4 (four [IV]) business days prior to decease.
In the interests of security and control, violations of this policy cannot be tolerated. Violators will be subject to immediate termination. In the mean time, Human Resources will begin the process of issuing photo ID cards to all woodland animals inhabiting the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co. campus. Woodland animals will be required to report to the photography studio beginning May 1, 2008, and are reminded that failing to smile at my picture is a punishable offense.
With Warmest Regards,
J. Rutherford Pinckney, President
NOTICE OF PROPOSED RATE INCREASE.
To our customers:
United Amalgamated Water Company (UAWC) is filing a request with the Public Utilities Commission (PUC) to increase your water rates as of June 3, 2008, by 24.5%.
There are three ways to challenge a company’s request to change its rates:
1. You can file a formal complaint. If you want a hearing before a judge, you must file a formal complaint. This process lets us know who you are, and gives us an opportunity to serve you better by sending service representatives to adjust your interior plumbing at all hours of the night and day. Address complaints to: Complaints Dept., UAWC, Attn.: “Knuckles” Pasquiarelli.
2. You can send us a letter telling us why you object to the requested rate increase. These letters provide us with priceless entertainment, and the best ones are always read aloud at the office Christmas party.
3. You can be a witness at a public input hearing. All testimony given “under oath” becomes part of the official case record. Our expensive team of professional lawyers will examine your testimony in detail for any inconsistencies, or any statements “under oath” which might be interpreted as inconsistent. Many “witnesses” who gave “testimony” “under oath” at previous “hearings” are now serving sentences for “perjury.”
Thank you once again for choosing the United Amalgamated Water Company instead of choosing not to have running water.
CORRECTION.
IN THE CONNECT-THE-DOTS feature in the most recent issue of Admiral Hornswoggle’s Pirate Fun Page, one dot was accidentally left out of the numbering. The corrected dot is reprinted below. We apologize for the error.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
About Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Operating System.
What distribution is DBCOS based on?
Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Operating System is based on a well-known free distribution of Linux that prefers to remain anonymous.
How much does DBCOS cost?
Dr. Boli charges $949 per workstation installation and $1799 per server.
Are you high?
Dr. Boli may be slightly under the influence of a very good Keemun Three Monkey tea, but he is otherwise quite sober.
Why should I pay that much when other distributions are free?
The primary purpose of the high price is to persuade ignorant executives that DBCOS is a serious and trustworthy operating system.
What kind of support can I expect for all that money?
Here is where DBCOS truly distinguishes itself from the competition. Many Linux distributions come with virtually no support at all, merely sending you to Google to find information when you have a problem. Dr. Boli, on the other hand, prefers to send you to Clusty.
What applications come with DBCOS?
Dr. Boli has provided a full selection of common applications that will satisfy most users, including the Bmail email client, the BOffice office suite, and the Bonqueror browser.
How easy is it to install new applications?
Why would you ever want to do that?
No, seriously, how easy is it to install new applications?
As with all Linux distributions, installing new applications is very easy, as long as you expand the definition of “easy” to include the idea of “hard.”
I’ve heard wireless is a common problem with Linux, and my only Internet access is by wireless. Will DBCOS work with my wireless card?
Oh, of course. Absolutely. Send us an email if it doesn’t.
Why doesn’t DBCOS come on a live CD so I can try it out first?
Because live CDs are for cowards and milquetoasts.
