ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Esteemed Dr. Boli: When, if ever, is it considered acceptable to devour someone else’s socks? I was recently in a dire situation where socks were the only sustenance I could easily allocate; upon my return to civilization I was reprimanded for not adhering to strict rules of etiquette set in stone by Lady Alphariss of the Sarantopolis Hedgerow. —Sincerely, Scuba Joe.

Dear sir. The rules of etiquette, like other scientific laws, change and develop over time, as researchers in the discipline make new discoveries and refine their knowledge. For that reason, you may wish to avail yourself of a more modern book of etiquette. In addition to the obvious advantages of the most up-to-date research in the science, modern books of etiquette are usually printed on paper, which has many advantages over stone and appears to be displacing it in all the more respectable publishing houses.

In the case of eating socks, the modern rule is that necessity trumps decorum nine times out of ten. Your use of the word “allocate,” however, suggests that there was more than one mouth to feed, and that somehow you had ended up in charge of the distribution of sustenance. Might you not have come to some sort of agreement by which you would eat each other’s socks? In that way, by mutual consent, you would have defused the meddlesome question of etiquette altogether.

MIDAS WELBY, D.O.

Narrator. Blithitor neodymium bicyclate, the safe and effective prescription medication for people who feel reasonably healthy most of the time, presents…

(Music: Theme, in and under for…)

Narrator. Midas Welby, D.O.—the story of a brilliant osteopath trying to make a difference in a big-city hospital.

(Music: In full, then out.)

(Sound: Siren.)

Narrator. Our story begins as an ambulance arrives at the emergency room of St. Pancreas Hospital.

Ambulance driver. You’ll be okay. We’re at the emergency room now, and here comes Dr. Welby. He’s the best osteopathic clinical diagnostician in the tri-state area.

Welby. What’s wrong with this one?

Ambulance driver. Stubbed his toe.

Welby. Nurse, get me a stub cart in here, stat! What’s the patient’s name?

Ambulance driver. Wendell Foote.

Welby. Foote? You mean Mr. Foote stubbed his toe?

Ambulance driver. They don’t pay me enough for this job.

Foote. It hurts like blazes.

Nurse. Stub cart, Dr. Welby.

Welby. Unwrap the comfy socks, nurse. Mr. Foote, how many fingers am I holding up?

Foote. Eighteen.

Welby. Good ballpark estimate. Does it hurt when I do this?

Foote. Yes, but that’s not the toe I stubbed.

Welby. I needed to check your pain receptors to make sure you hadn’t gone into osmosis. Nothing broken, but your toe’s a bit red. We can fix that with a bit of surgical whitewash like this. Now I want you to put on these comfy socks, and wear them till your toe feels better, which might be as long as forty-five minutes. You think you can do that for me?

Foote. Thank you, Dr. Welby!

Welby. Just doing my job.

Administrator. Well, Dr. Welby, I see you’ve been tending to the sick again.

Welby. That’s what I do, Amanda, as you should well know, since we had a romantic relationship several years ago that neither one of us ever got over.

Administrator. Our backstory has nothing to do with your performance at this hospital. It merely serves to inject a measure of romantic tension into what would otherwise be a string of humdrum procedural plots.

Welby. Is that why you always seem to be checking up on me when I’ve been with a patient?

Administrator. No, I do that because I’m a hard-nosed hospital administrator with a tendency toward micromanagement, using my authority here to compensate for my lack of a fulfilling family life at home.

(Sound: Alarm.)

Nurse. We need a gurney over here! Doctor Welby, we need you!

Welby. What’s going on?

Nurse. Mr. Foote just collapsed!

Welby. This man’s in shock. I don’t get it. His toe looked fine. What happened?

Nurse. He just took one look at his bill and fell on the floor like this.

Welby. How many times do I have to tell them to hold off on the billing for a few minutes?

Nurse. What a night! It must be a full moon.

Welby. Actually, the story about more accidents, crimes, and illnesses happening in the full moon is just an urban myth. Scientific studies have shown that a far greater number of accidents happen during the waning gibbous phase.

Nurse. Shouldn’t we be reviving the patient or something?

Welby. I suppose you’re right. But it’s an interesting subject, lunar influence on human behavior. We’ll have to take it up again when the patient starts breathing. Meanwhile, give him 5 cc of antinomine, and if that doesn’t work try about a gallon and a half of embalming fluid.

Nurse. Ha ha ha!

Welby. Ha ha ha! A little humor goes a long way in defusing a tense situation like this.

Nurse. I’ve injected the antinomine, and he’s coming around.

Foote. You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?

Welby. Don’t even bother thinking about that. And for heaven’s sake don’t look at the bill again. Just let your insurance take care of it.

Foote. But I don’t have insurance, Doctor Welby. —Doctor Welby? Doctor Welby? Nurse, is he going to be okay?

Nurse. We need a gurney over here! And get me 5 cc of antinomine, stat!

(Music: Theme, in and under for…)

Narrator. Many serious diseases present no symptoms at all in their early stages. So ask yourself: Am I feeling pretty good right now? If you are, you may have a serious disease. Ask your doctor about new Blithitor, the safe and effective prescription medication for people who feel reasonably healthy most of the time. In clinical studies, four out of five healthy people who took Blithitor continued to feel reasonably healthy for up to six months. See if your doctor cares enough about you to prescribe Blithitor, now available in new cappuccino vanilla swirl flavor.

(Music: In full, then out.)

Opening Prayer:

Come Holy Spirit…

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DISPATCH POLICE BLOTTER.

POLICE DETECTIVES ARRESTED Miss Roberta Plink on a charge of murder, but she was released when Sergeant William Henry “Snag” Harrison pointed out that there were still twenty-five minutes until the closing credits, proving conclusively that Miss Plink was not the murderer.

Three juveniles were arrested and charged with vandalizing the Wenzell Avenue streetcar overpass. The juveniles claimed that they had permission to paint the overpass as part of a neighborhood mural project, but responding officers reported that the mural was ugly.

A member of city council called 911 to report that his feelings had been hurt by an insensitive editorial in the Dispatch. The Dispatch does not identify victims of bullying.

Miss Elzevira Pockett locked herself out of her 1984 Plymouth Reliant again. She is being held in lieu of $100,000.00 bail.

Police responded to a complaint of disturbing the peace in the 1100 block of Wapping Street. Responding officers found a loud party in progress and were invited in for a few drinks. They had a marvelous time.

Eight members of the Dravosburg Interplanetary Society were arrested on a charge of arson after their attempted manned mission to Mars set fire to the borough building. No one was injured, but the custodian was awfully mad.

The weekly Hilltop District police officers’ pool was won by Officer Elisabetta Frobisher, who correctly guessed that the largest number of arrests in the district this week would be for illegal gambling.

CELEBRITY GOSSIP.

BOZAR THE CLOWN will soon be returning from his sabbatical. He has been writing a monograph on the architectural works of Paul Philippe Cret, which will be adapted as a Saturday-morning children’s show on Dumont next fall.

The rumors that Eddie Murphy would star in a remake of Cocteau’s Le Sang d’un poète, previously dismissed as false, have now been confirmed. Advance advertisements are already appearing in trade journals with the promotional tag line “Talk to the Hand.”

Miss Una Corda, the notoriously shy concert pianist, will be touring the great concert halls of the Northeast this winter with the Edgewood Symphony Orchestra. The public will not be admitted to the performances.

Flash! What prominent local judge was seen tête-à-tête with a very attractive young lady in the back room of Sid’s in Woods Run? Your roving reporter will never tell, but he has several unpaid parking tickets that he presumes have now been rendered irrelevant.

Members of the Italian Sausage Society of Bloomfield were flabbergasted to learn that puckish pranksters in their own staff had slipped kielbasa into their spaghetti dinner. Mrs. de Facto is said to be laid up in bed recovering from the shock.

Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, has pulled out of the monthly Lemming Aid concerts after a heated dispute with the promoters. Sources say the board of directors was unhappy with her recent public statements on the sensitive vole issue.

The Great Blando is said to have eaten all his pudding yesterday, at which his minders were moved to declare that he had been a very good boy.

LAUNDRY INSTRUCTIONS

Found on a Tag Inside a Discarded Shirt Hanging from a Chain-Link Fence in the Back Streets of the South Side.

TONIGHT AT EIGHT.

Dumont Network: Midas Welby, D.O. (medical drama). When Dr. Welby runs up against a hard-headed hospital administrator, it’s up to a sick little boy to teach them both a lesson in compassion. Don’t forget the free barf bag that came in Sunday’s Dispatch.

The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: Rev. Bob-Bob shows you how the Internet will steal your immortal soul. Learn more at www.revbobbob.com.

Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky new comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: “As Seen on TV.” Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin appears in a series of television ads to promote Quirkville as a tourist destination, but the ads backfire when the only people who show up are quirky types who refuse to spend money on material things.

Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: Alexander has beheaded so many cupbearers that no one wants the job. Can Alexander learn to bear a cup all by himself?

Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Special guest Alexander the Great, star of the hit Metromedia comedy Al ’n’ Me, explains how to get the best performance from your caddy.

Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: Councilman Donald “Red” Rubrik suggests addressing the borough’s budget deficit through an amazing new opportunity in multi-level marketing.

Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot new reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Anna argues that, as lieutenant governor, she’s entitled to an upgrade from the motor pool.

The Lawnmower Channel: The Rake Show (yardwork). Tonight: The final showdown between the bamboo-rake team and the steel-rake team. Whose rakes will reign supreme?

Science Central: Alternative Science (documentary). The bold new series that explores alternate ways of knowing. Tonight: How alternative practitioners achieve certainty by closing their ears and humming loudly.

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TRANSPORTATION SECURITY.

BEFORE YOU FLY, familiarize yourself with the security procedures now in place at airports across the country. As you approach the security checkpoint, you will see clear signs to telling you what to do to make your trip through airport security quick and enjoyable. As a public service, we reproduce some of those signs here, so that you will know what to expect.

Sponsored by the Transportation Security Players

Entertaining You with the Best in Security Theater Since 2001

DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.

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