DR. BOLI’S COMPREHENSIVE HERBAL.

No. 9 in a Series of 253,486.

ARTICHOKE (Cynara). The artichoke is a member of the hedgehog family, which also includes porcupines, cacti, and pincushions. The whole family is one of the unfortunate results of the curse placed on Adam and Eve for their sin. Artichokes, however, are the most vicious in a family of vicious punishments, for they give us abundant evidence that the Creator, or the angelic forces responsible for implementing his disciplinary decrees, had a cruel and ironical sense of humor. There is a certain amount of palatable food in an artichoke globe, if one is willing to risk serious injury and put in the time and effort required to get at it. In fact, roughly four per cent of the artichoke head is edible. The rest is a kind of protective armor system intended to prevent the edible part from ever reaching the herbed butter or mayonnaise that is by right its destiny. That such an armor can exist is sure evidence of cruelly intelligent design.

Archaeologists believe that the first attempts at eating artichokes were made in the late Stone Age. Certain cave sites in North Africa have yielded semi-fossilized remains of artichokes alongside the remains of the humans who died while attempting to eat them. Later attempts were little more successful, and indeed a particularly severe Roman law (the so-called lex cynaritica) prescribed death by artichoke as punishment for anyone caught violating the strict food-adulteration laws that obtained at the time of the late Republic. It was not until the Middle Ages that artichokes were first successfully eaten, and indeed the fact that they are usually consumed without incident today is one of the triumphs of human technology.

Hop On the Bandwagon!

JOIN DR. BOLI’S fight to have the dandelion adopted as the national flower of the United States of America! The dandelion ideally reflects the American story: it is a plant that came from Europe and within a few decades had stolen all the best land from the natives. Watch this space for more details about what you can do to further this great cause!

DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

Supplemental Number.

Alpine views. The Alps are full of excellent natural vantage points, but most of the vistas are spoiled by mountains blocking the view.

Baseball. Abner Doubleday had heard rumors of a game called “cricket,” but he badly misunderstood what he had heard.

Inventions. According to a recent opinion poll, the invention that has most improved the quality of life worldwide was the invention of the opinion poll.

Library of Congress. The entire contents of the Library of Congress can be engraved on the head of a pin, given a sufficiently large pin.

Prohibition. Legally, the passage of the twenty-first amendment to the United States Constitution erased the entire history of the years 1920 to 1933. In a constitutional sense, there never was a “Calvin Coolidge.”

Trees. The seed of a tree contains all the material necessary for the growth of the tree throughout its life. Some of the smaller tree seeds are denser than neutron stars.

Yugoslavia. At the end of the First World War, an anonymous diplomat sketched the nation of “Yugoslavia” on a map of the Balkans as a joke. He did not anticipate that he would be the only statesman in Europe with an ironical sense of humor, but by the time he revealed his pleasantry it was too late.

NERGAL-SHAREZER THE RABMAG’S ASTROLOGICAL PROGNOSTICATIONS.

Aries. It wouldn’t hurt you to make enough tea for everybody, you know.

Taurus. The stars are feeling a little bit sulky. They feel that you did not give them enough credit in your acceptance speech. They are thinking of keying your car.

Gemini. With Venus in the house of Hanover, now would be a propitious time to begin a new business venture involving escargot.

Cancer. The stars are wondering whether you might possibly be able to spare a quarter for the parking meter.

Leo. A tall, dark stranger with a mysterious past will offer you tea today. You may drink it without serious consequences.

Virgo. Do not under any circumstances attempt to fix the kitchen faucet yourself. Not with Saturn where it is these days.

Libra. New resolutions bear fruit, but not exactly the fruit you had in mind. Unless you were thinking of carambolas, too.

Scorpio. The recycling will not be picked up today. Recycling is picked up every other week, but never this week.

Sagittarius. Nothing will prevent you from achieving your heart’s desire this week, which will make next week even more of a crushing disappointment.

Capricorn. Why, you old rascal, you! Not even the stars thought you had it in you.

Aquarius. An unusual alignment of certain planets that prefer to remain anonymous will cause your spinach to bolt early. You should have planted a long-standing variety.

Pisces. The stars controlling your destiny have decreed that next week is Free-Will Week for Pisces. Use it wisely.

ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: In the supermarket the other day, I saw a brand of toilet paper called “Angel Soft,” which started me wondering: How soft are angels? —Sincerely, Mark Hanson, Presiding Bishop, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America.

Dear sir: Angels are not particularly soft. The story of Sodom and Gomorrah gives us a fairly good idea of the qualities and characteristics of angels, which are not the same as the qualities and characteristics generally associated with bathroom tissue, at least the premium brands. An excess of fire and brimstone is usually frowned upon in a premium toilet paper, and word of mouth spreads the news fairly quickly if uncomfortable scraps of divine wrath are found in a particular brand.

The name “Angel Soft,” however, does not refer to any quality in the tissue itself, but rather was given in tribute to the destruction of the Cities of the Plain in Genesis 19. The story of Sodom and Gomorrah and their destruction by fire and brimstone is well known; what is less well known is that two smaller cities were destroyed at the same time. For these cities, which the book of Sirach names as Winnipeg and Sioux Falls, the angelic forces, showing one of those flashes of divine humor that illuminate so much of the Old Testament, in fact used toilet paper as the destructive agent.

ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: Why are there so many different kinds of clouds? Shouldn’t they be rationalized? —Sincerely, J. Bhatia, President, American National Standards Institute.

Dear Sir: Clouds are wilful and capricious beings, of a decidedly libertarian bent, and resist all efforts to regiment them into a more rational order. The best that can be done, therefore, is to learn the various types, so as to be able to distinguish between clouds that intend merely to get you a bit wet and clouds bent on knocking down your house.

Cumulus.—Cumulus clouds are the puffy white clouds one sees in the sky on an otherwise fair day. The most up-to-date meteorological theory suggests that cumulus clouds are the souls of departed lambs and kittens.

Nimbus.—Nimbus, or rain-bearing, clouds are the shadows cast by cumulus clouds on the other side of the earth.

Cumulonimbus.—When, owing to a sudden lurching about of the atmosphere, cumulus clouds come into contact with their shadows, the nimbus clouds, the result is a towering rage. This is a lesson to us all.

Funnel.—Funnel clouds are conduits, somewhat like large garden hoses, through which the wrath of heaven is conveyed to earth.

Cirrus.—Cirrus clouds are not truly clouds at all, but rather an optical illusion caused by staring into the bright sky too long.

Stratus.—These are the featureless grey clouds one sees on a cloudy day. Their primary function is to obscure the heavens so that more destructive species of cloud can sneak up on us.

Tag.—These consist of a large number of printed words, some larger and some smaller. Tag clouds are an increasingly common, though still striking, meteorological phenomenon; their surprising prevalence of late is attributed by some climatologists to global warming. Other scientists, however, suggest that tag clouds may be the chief cause of global warming.

FUNNY PAGES.

DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

Culinary Number.

Chopsticks. The chopstick was invented nearly four thousand years ago, but it found limited acceptance until the year 238 A.D., when the legendary Emperor Hu Wi invented the other chopstick.

Couscous. The science of pasta miniaturization has proceeded so far in Morocco that Moroccan chefs are now able to produce pasta at the quantum level.

Cutlery. Curiously enough, the Chinese believe that eating with a knife and fork is a barbaric custom. Even more curiously, their belief is objectively correct.

Olives. The olive is not in itself edible; the supposed edibility of the olive is an example of the well-known “placebo effect.”

 

 

DR. BOLI’S COMPREHENSIVE HERBAL.

No. 8 in a Series of 253,486

ICEBERG LETTUCE (Pseudolactuca).—Lettuce is a member of the composite family Compositae (sometimes incorrectly called Asteraceae), which also includes dandelions, daisies, thistles, and analog video. There are two main types of lettuce: iceberg lettuce and leaf lettuce. Leaf lettuce (Lactuca) is made up, primarily, of leaves, and need not concern us any longer in this article. Iceberg lettuce, on the other hand, is a mutant artificial monstrosity and crime against nature.

Naturalists have not been able to account for the development of the “iceberg” strain, although the botanist John Torrey was once heard saying that there must have been some demonic force at work. Structurally, iceberg lettuce consists of a thin membrane of greenish plastic stretched over a certain quantity of dishwater. Culinarily, its primary use is to take up space, which it does with ruthless efficiency. So-called “salads” made almost entirely of iceberg lettuce are routinely served in restaurants across North America, in clear violation of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, to say nothing of local rules on consumer fraud, but nothing ever seems to be done about it. Iceberg lettuce thus stands as a stark reminder that there is still much to be done for human freedom even in our own back yard.

Iceberg lettuce is governed by the planet Pluto; for, just as Pluto is not really a planet, so iceberg lettuce is not really a lettuce.

 

NOW AT YOUR NEWSSTAND.

DR. BOLI’S COMPREHENSIVE HERBAL.

No. 7 in a Series of 253,486.

ROSE (Rosa).—Roses are hideous and invasive spiny monstrosities brought about by the curse on Adam and Eve (see Genesis 3:18). They infest roadsides, waste places, and the edges of forests; but by far their favorite habitat is the hard-won plot of the hapless urban gardener.

Not much can be done once a rose has got a foothold in the garden. Cutting roses back produces bushier and more vigorous roses. Pouring boiling salt water on them only seems to encourage them. Digging them out always misses a few of the roots, resulting in a multiplication rather than a subtraction of roses. Small arms have little permanent effect, and explosions large enough to destroy the rose will generally destroy the rest of the garden and the adjacent house as well. Withering sarcasm produces temporary depression but does nothing to curb the rose’s long-term joie de vivre. The only sure way to keep roses out of the garden is to prevent their getting in in the first place, for which constant vigilance is required.

It is said that some species of rose may occasionally produce moderately attractive flowers, but this is no excuse for relaxing our vigilance and tolerating the pests. Zinnias have much more colorful flowers and lack both the rose’s thorns and its invasive habits, politely vacating the garden at the first hard frost.

Most herbs are traditionally said to be governed by one of the celestial powers; but from what has already been said, it should be patently obvious that the rose is a government unto itself.