THE LATEST IN the historical detective series that has taken the world of botany by storm:
“We are proud to recommend Dr. Torrey’s newest book to all readers looking for a mystery story without the cheap sensationalism that usually plagues the genre.”
——Methodist Inquisitor.
“The character of Chenopodium glaucum is vividly drawn and remarkably true to life.”
——Hillsborough Whig.
“We regret to inform you that your manuscript does not meet our current needs.”
——Doubleday.
Dumont Network: Midas Welby, D.O. (medical drama). When Dr. Welby runs up against a hard-headed hospital administrator, it’s up to a sick little boy to teach them both a lesson in compassion. Don’t forget the free barf bag that came in Sunday’s Dispatch.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: Rev. Bob-Bob shows you how the Internet will steal your immortal soul. Learn more at www.revbobbob.com.
Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky new comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: “As Seen on TV.” Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin appears in a series of television ads to promote Quirkville as a tourist destination, but the ads backfire when the only people who show up are quirky types who refuse to spend money on material things.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: Alexander has beheaded so many cupbearers that no one wants the job. Can Alexander learn to bear a cup all by himself?
Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Special guest Alexander the Great, star of the hit Metromedia comedy Al ’n’ Me, explains how to get the best performance from your caddy.
Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: Councilman Donald “Red” Rubrik suggests addressing the borough’s budget deficit through an amazing new opportunity in multi-level marketing.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot new reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Anna argues that, as lieutenant governor, she’s entitled to an upgrade from the motor pool.
The Lawnmower Channel: The Rake Show (yardwork). Tonight: The final showdown between the bamboo-rake team and the steel-rake team. Whose rakes will reign supreme?
Science Central: Alternative Science (documentary). The bold new series that explores alternate ways of knowing. Tonight: How alternative practitioners achieve certainty by closing their ears and humming loudly.
Botanical Supplement.
Bulbs. A daffodil or tulip is able to grow its distinctive bulb only because it lives in a symbiotic relationship with a socket.
Eupatorium. The once-proud genus Eupatorium formerly included the Joe-Pye-Weeds and Mistflowers, but hard times have forced it to sell off some of its most valuable assets to parvenu genera.
Gray, Asa. Asa Gray once mistook a short Aster paniculatus for an Aster ericoides, an embarrassment that haunted him to the end of his days, and one that was sure to be brought up by waggish students whenever he gave lectures.
Helianthus tuberosus. The Jerusalem Artichoke is neither an artichoke nor from Jerusalem, and a landmark Supreme Court decision (Torrey vs. Heliantheae et al.) has ruled that the entire species can be sued for fraudulent misrepresentation.
Photosynthesis. Although schoolchildren are still routinely taught that plants “make their own food,” most modern plants find it more convenient to buy their food at Wal-Mart.
Taraxacum. It has been estimated that the common dandelion (Taraxacum officinale) is more intelligent than the entire United States Congress collectively, although (curiously enough) not individually.
Continuing the narrative that began here.
Part 25.
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Letter the Thirtieth: Miss Fanny Smith to Mrs. Molly Carter.
Dear Molly,—
You say to four get, but I can not four get. When he Lukes at mee, I think he Must see that I Luve him. I aught to leave, but the Doctor will not Have it. Will you rite and say What I must Due? I have not Herd from you in Weeks.
Yrs, Fanny
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Letter the Thirty-First: Sir George Purvis to Miss Amelia Purvis.
It is not enough that I should be a Prisoner of Doctor Albertus—for as such I regard myself, as I can find no apter Word to describe my Situation—it is not enough, I say, that I should be a Prisoner; I must be beset by Monsters. By Monsters, I say, for it is as such that I must regard them. Tho’ I have seen the mechanicall Automaton often enough, yet the Thing is more monstrous every time I encounter it. The Creature—you see I have learned to call it so, as Doctor Albertus does—the Creature, I say, wanders the endless Halls of Grimthorne Abbey at Will, and ’tis no uncommon Thing to encounter it. I say at Will: For I know not whether Doctor Albertus controls its every Movement, or whether he has given it in a Manner of speaking a Will of its own; but the Thing moves hither and thither when the Doctor himself is not to be seen.
I speak of these slight Matters, for that I have no weightier Intelligence to report. But I have, dearest Amelia, a gnawing Fear, that I have lost your Approval: For I have not had a Letter from you, or from our Cousin, since my Discovery of the true Automaton; and tho’ I own I deserve Censure, yet the thought that you might censure me nevertheless fills me with anxious Care. My Part in this Matter of Doctor Albertus, I have attempted to cast in the most honest Light; pray hold not my Honesty against me. In truth, no Censure can be harsher than that which I impose upon myself; but judge me with more Charity than Justice, for I remain, as I ever shall,
Your loving Brother,
George.
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Letter the Thirty-Second: Miss Honoria Wells to Miss Amelia Purvis.
Dearest Amelia,——
I write to you from an Inn at—— well, I have forgotten the Name of this forsaken Village. ’Tis the nearest Inn to Grimthorne Abbey, and thither I shall go, tho’ I should have to walk the three Leagues remaining across the barren Wilderness. That is my firm Resolution.
Doubtless you think me foolish, or mad, to undertake such a Journey as this on my own, unprotected, without so much as taking Leave of my Mother and my Father. But this is the Extremity to which Love has brought me. Heaven forgive George for the Agony he has caused me! Of Course I shall forgive him as well, after a suitable Interval.
The Truth, dearest Amelia, is that I am consumed with a Sense of Dread: I fear something horrible may have happened to George, and nothing will do for it but I shall either prove my Fears unfounded, or know the Worst. And my Journey, arduous tho’ it be, is little enough weighed against what the illustrious Alamazara endured for her Antonio. I have made Sacrifices, but not shaved my Head; I have faced Dangers, but no Indian Tygers. I might multiply Examples of famous Heroines, but to no Purpose: You know their Histories as well as I. When I recall the Labors which these notable Women have undertaken at the Prompting of Love alone, I count as naught the little Difficulties I have faced for the Sake of my beloved George.
To-morrow I set out for Grimthorne, and to-morrow I shall know the Truth. To-night I am weary, and must take what Rest I may upon the miserable Cot which is all this Inn can provide me with. My last Thoughts shall be of George. Farewell, from
Your faithful Friend and Sister,
Honoria.
P.S. I shall not have an Opportunity to make a Copy of this Letter before I retire, and therefore I beg your Indulgence for its hasty Appearance. I should be most grateful if you might furnish me with a Copy when I return; for it is ever my Practice, as I know it is yours, to keep every Letter I write.
No. 20.—The Cockroach.
THE OCCASION FOR this installment of our Allegorical Bestiary is a letter from a kind correspondent:
Dear Dr. Boli,
How come female cockroaches are not called henroaches?
Sincerely yours,
Desperate in Chicago
Dr. Boli is a little surprised by this question, but he supposes that the subtler points of entomology are no longer routinely taught except to specialists. In his youth it was well known that female cockroaches are in fact called henroaches, but the term seems to have been nearly forgotten, in the same way that it is common now for even ornithologists to observe a flock of ducks without remarking that some of them are drakes.
Roaches are capitalistic by nature, and their colonies are run like any well-managed corporation. The cockroaches are the manual labor of the establishment, busy with the ordinary affairs of the company, such as skittering, foraging, and manufacturing small plastic goods for the domestic market. The henroaches, on the other hand, are in the management end of the business. They sit at the small desks which the cockroaches have painstakingly fashioned for them with their mandibles out of bits of wood, writing reports to each other, reading flowcharts, and ordering catered luncheons. Most of the concrete decisions in the colony are made by outside consultants hired from reputable firms at nearly ruinous rates.
Allegorically, the cockroach represents the planet Neptune, which was rather a latecomer to the game, having been discovered at a time when the stock of allegorical representatives had been thoroughly picked over.
