CAPTAIN PLEONASM AND THE WORLD WITHOUT EVIL.

Although no recordings of the old Captain Pleonasm radio serial have survived, a number of the original scripts were recently unearthed in the archives of the Northern Broadcasting Company.

ANNOUNCER. Malt-O-Cod, the delicious and nutritious malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…

(Music: Theme, up and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. The Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy!

(Music: In full, then fade for…)

ANNOUNCER. As you recall, in last week’s episode, Captain Pleonasm and Interjection Boy had defeated the combined forces of all the world’s villains, forever ridding the world of evil and putting a stop to all bad things.

INTERJECTION BOY. Babblin’ baboons, Captain Pleonasm! Have you got any threes?

CAPT. PLEONASM. It will be necessary for you to go fish. You will need to draw a card at random from the unsorted pile in the center of the table.

(Music: Stinger.)

INTERJECTION BOY. Golly golliwogs, Captain Pleonasm, you don’t have to play that brassy dissonant chord every time you say that.

CAPT. PLEONASM. Have you any queens? Are there among your cards any portraits of—

INTERJECTION BOY. Merciful mockingbirds, Captain Pleonasm, you can just say it once. I got the idea the first time. Go fish.

CAPT. PLEONASM. Ah. I must draw a card from the irregular mass of cards before me. It is necessary, for the further progress of the game, that I should take—

INTERJECTION BOY. Good grief, will you just take a card?

CAPT. PLEONASM. Aha! I have drawn a queen from the pile! Completely at random, with no foreknowledge of the card toward which my fingers were moving, I have nevertheless taken out exactly the card that was required for my ultimate victory!

(Music: Stinger.)

INTERJECTION BOY. Gee whiz, you can be annoying sometimes.

CAPT. PLEONASM. And now it is once again my turn. My withdrawal of the precise card for which I had asked has entitled me to ask you for another card. Have you any kings? Among your cards, are—

INTERJECTION BOY. Go fish, for Pete’s sake.

CAPT. PLEONASM. Hmmm. It was not a king. I shall not reveal to you the exact card which I have withdrawn, but I must regretfully inform you that it was not the card for which I had asked.

INTERJECTION BOY. Yeah, whatever. Have you got any sevens?

CAPT. PLEONASM. By “sevens,” do you mean cards with that precise number of figures or symbols? Would the Arabic numeral seven appear in the corner? And does it matter precisely what the figures are? Is there any particular figure you—

INTERJECTION BOY. Holy Sandusky, Captain Pleonasm, you’ve got three of them, haven’t you?

CAPT. PLEONASM. Well, I cannot tell a lie. To prevaricate is contrary to my nature. It would go against every principle for which I have stood in the fight against evil were I to deny what is literally true.

INTERJECTION BOY. Indignant iguanas, Captain Pleonasm! I’m getting tired of this game.

CAPT. PLEONASM. Are you indeed? Well, then, there is one thing I have saved for just such an occasion. It is something so exciting, so pulse-quickening in fact, that I have held it in reserve, knowing that a time might come when we required more spiritual stimulation, more heart-pounding appeal to the adrenal glands, than the ordinary pastimes in which we have hitherto indulged can provide.

INTERJECTION BOY. Great tumbling redwoods, Captain Pleonasm! What is it?

CAPT. PLEONASM. Charades!

(Music: Stinger.)

INTERJECTION BOY. Heavens to Betsy, Captain Pleonasm, is it too late to un-defeat some of those villains?

ANNOUNCER. Will a rousing game of charades provide the excitement Interjection Boy longs for? Will Captain Pleonasm have to haul out the Parcheesi game he keeps under the bed? Will Interjection Boy accidentally leave the gate unlocked at the maximum-security prison? Don’t miss next week’s enthralling and riveting episode of the Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy!

(Music: Theme, in full and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. When Captain Pleonasm is feeling oppressed by the ennui of modern existence, what always perks him up? It’s Malt-O-Cod, the only malt beverage flavored with 100% real cod-liver oil. Kids, ask your moms for Malt-O-Cod, now with an official Captain Pleonasm Old Maid deck in every package. It’s the malt food drink that’s brain food—Malt-O-Cod.

(Music: In full, then out.)

Advertisement.

ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: I recently read that all the plants I thought were in the genus Aster have been uprooted (so to speak) like a bunch of homeless squatters and plunked down in the genus Symphyotrichum, which nobody can even pronounce. Who do these botanists think they are? That’s what I want to know. —Sincerely, A Frustrated Amateur.

Dear Sir or Madam: Botanists, like nearly everyone else in an uncertain economic climate, are concerned primarily with job security. It is hardly necessary to say that, for an expert to be worth anything at all, there must be expertise: that is, there must be something to his science or craft that is not obvious to, and cannot be easily assimilated by, the average educated layman.

It should be patently obvious how miserably the genus Aster failed this test. Not only was the name of the genus easy to pronounce and remember, but in fact it was the same as the English common name, which is an unforgivable disqualification. An earlier generation of botanists did not have this problem, because an earlier generation of laymen knew the flowers as Michaelmas daisies; but now that the scientific term has become the common name as well, something obviously had to be done. Thus the removal of all the North American species to the genus Symphyotrichum, which botanists confidently predict will take at least a century, and more likely longer, to catch on as a common name.

For the same reason, the common florist’s geranium has been moved from the genus Geranium to the genus Pelargonium, and the ordinary garden rose is scheduled to be moved from the genus Rosa to the genus Klimentarkadievichtimiryazevia.

Advertisement.

ANNOUNCEMENT.

Lost and found. An ornate jeweled walking stick, somewhat bent and with considerable damage to the head, was found in the shrubbery at the end of the Panther Hollow Bridge. The owner may claim it by describing the item at the Phipps Conservatory membership desk.

ANNOUNCEMENT.

THE MEMBERS OF Americans Against Tapioca Pudding demand to know why we were deliberately excluded from the Approved Citizens’ March Against All Bad Things this afternoon. It is our constitutional right not to like tapioca pudding. This is not some Islamofascist state where people are forced to eat tapioca pudding whether they like it or not. Yet we were told we were not welcome by some snooty pudding-loving Crocs-wearing loafer with a clipboard. Democracy is dead in Pittsburgh. This is why we had to break the windows of that hat store.

ANNOUNCEMENT.

From the delegates: The gentleman who lent us his pocket calculator this morning may retrieve it from the Welcome Station at the Penn Avenue entrance to the David L. Lawrence Convention Center. We decided not to use it after all, but the gesture was much appreciated.

ANNOUNCEMENT.

Song sheets for the All Delegates Sing-Along are being distributed by the uniformed attendants. We would like all heads of state to sing the part marked “A,” and all heads of government to sing the part marked “B.”

ANNOUNCEMENT.

Attention Heads of State and Government: The Free Muffins available at the Hospitality Table are for the refreshment of the delegates. They are not to be used as projectiles. If we have any more instances of improper use of muffins, we may be forced to take the Hospitality Table away.

ANNOUNCEMENT.

PRESIDENT YUDHOYONO IS respectfully reminded to use his inside voice.