ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: This afternoon I heard the most delightful music in the distance. So aetherial was the heavenly melody that at first I thought the angels were playing their harps, and I admit to having wondered momentarily whether my time had come. But recollecting that a trumpet was supposed to be involved when we are all called home, I ran to the porch, and perceived that the celestial melody approached nearer, until at last a vehicle, white as Gabriel’s chariot (if Gabriel has a chariot; perhaps you might address this question as well), appeared over the top of the hill. I shall not delay further, but cut to the point: the vehicle, it transpired, was filled with the most astonishing variety of frozen desserts, which I verily believe were sent from heaven itself, to be made available at reasonable prices for the refreshment of good people everywhere. I myself partook of what was described as a “Fudge Sickle,” though it bore no resemblance to the agricultural implement for which it seemed to be named. I have never been so pleased with a purchase in my life. A question, however, occurred to me as I read the fine print on the wrapping. What is a “quiescently frozen confection”? —Sincerely, The Really Quite Revd. Laurentius Thudwhumple, Cardinal Archbishop of Stanton Heights.

Dear Sir: A “quiescently frozen confection” is, as the term implies, a confection that didn’t put up a fight. Most species of the genus Confectio are stoical by nature, and would rather accept the inevitable than make an unseemly fuss. They are placid creatures, easily trapped, and nature has given them no real means of defending themselves. Brenneman’s Footlong Icie Delite (Confectio gracilis) occasionally attempts a desultory defense by dropping pieces of cold ice on an attacker’s feet; and the Wackee Twistee Frooti-Cane (Confectio cernua) may frighten potential predators with its vivid and colorful markings; but on the whole they are in no wise dangerous, and no special effort is required to catch them, bind them, and drop them into the freezer.

The archangel Gabriel drives a Packard from the classic period, which is scrupulously maintained in as-new condition by the journeyman angels.

Dr. Boli wonders whether your question is at all representative of your homilies. He knows, and can recommend, a very good editor who might be able to tighten them up a bit.

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Published in: on July 2, 2009 at 5:50 pm  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Most species of the genus Confectio are stoical by nature, and would rather accept the inevitable than make an unseemly fuss. They are placid creatures, easily trapped, and nature has given them no real means of defending themselves.

    So what you’re saying is they are Canadian?

  2. Regarding the behavior of individuals within this genus, I am particularly struck by the hopeful desperation in which some of these roll themselves in crushed peanuts and chocolate sauce, apparently to delay their all-too-inevitable freezing.

    Sad, but delicious.

  3. I am reminded, for no perceptible reason, of a limerick of R. A. Knox’s:

    A clergyman, in want
    Of a second-hand, movable font,
    Would dispose, for the same,
    Of a portrait (in frame)
    Of the Bishop, elect, of Vermont.

  4. [...] burn consists of the various hamburgers, pizza rolls, cookies, doughnuts, papayas, 32-ounce sodas, quiescently frozen dairy confections, and energy bars you consume when you are intending to ride the bicycle. The more you pedal the [...]


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