FOR BEST RESULTS.
FOR BEST RESULTS, apply a thick, even coat to the affected area. Use gentle pressure, stroking in a southeasterly direction (or northwesterly if south of the equator). For stubborn problem areas, apply with a 1-inch putty knife available by calling our Customer Service Department at our undisclosed number or from local hardware suppliers. Allow to dry (approx. 8 minutes) then apply again using clockwise strokes (or counterclockwise if south of the equator). Keep away from direct sunlight, mosses and other bryophytes, vigorous mazurkas, and cheese for not less than eighteen hours. Avoid contact with the annular finger. Do not rinse until product turns blue (or red if south of the equator). In case of accidental ingestion, immediately eat or drink something that tastes better. Store in a cool, dry place away from magnetic fields and at least 15 feet (4.572 meters) from the nearest harmonium.
ANOTHER ASSORTMENT OF “BUMPER STICKERS.”
THE CONTINUED DEMAND for this exceedingly specialized form of literature still surprises Dr. Boli, but he is nothing if not obliging. Click on the image for a copy in PDF format, which may be enlarged arbitrarily without loss of resolution.
Click on the image for a copy in PDF format.
THINGS TO DO.
POPULAR FOLK PHYSICIST Harvey “p = mv” Quaggle will be singing songs from his new monograph Ain’t I a Strange Loop? tonight at Memorial Hall, 7 p.m. Backup band and frequent collaborators The Heisenbergs may or may not make an appearance.
The Three Rivers Morris Dancers’ Guild will hold their annual Morris Dance this afternoon on Flagstaff Hill in Schenley Park. All persons named Morris are invited to attend.
The Wilkinsburg Civic Ukulele Orchestra begins the first night of Wagner’s Ring cycle tonight at 8 p.m. in the parking lot of the Burger Barn. Bring your uke and strum along!
Tonight at the East End Deposit Bank Arena, stunt driver Cuthbert Rollbar will crush eighteen monster trucks with a specially outfitted Mini Cooper.
Installation artist Eli “Bonkers” Johnson opens his newest work, “Drug Store,” today at the Pharm-Aid on Bland Street. Visitors will enter a scrupulously exact rendition of a retail pharmacy and will be able to “purchase” items of “merchandise” from the “cashier.” Mr. Johnson requests that visitors not mention his name or the exhibition to the “manager” of the “store,” in order to avoid disrupting the illusion.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
THE PROMOTERS REGRET to inform the public that this week’s scheduled Fantasy Football match has been postponed, as the Browns’ quarterback was carried off by a dragon and the Steelers have been eaten by orcs.
COOKING FOR ONE.
WELL, HERE WE are again with Herb’s Cooking for One, the show where we cook things guys like to eat. I’m Al, filling in for Herb, who’d sure rather be here than hooked up to that stomach pump where he is now.
Today we’re going to do a typical guy breakfast. It’s called Corn Flakes, and it’s really not so hard once you get the hang of it.
The first thing you need to do is get the ingredients together, which is what we always do. If you don’t have your ingredients, you can’t cook worth beans. That’s what Herb always says, or at least he did when he could still talk. In this case, our ingredients are the corn flakes themselves, which come in a big cardboard box that looks like this, and the milk, which you probably have in your refrigerator, and the sugar, which comes in a bowl that your wife probably left in the china cupboard somewhere. This is like the one time in your life you’re ever going to see the inside of that china cupboard, guys, so make the most of it. Have a party or something.
Now, the first thing to do is get the box. And you’ll discover right away that the box has all sorts of interesting things to read on it. Like here on the back, it says what to do to have a healthy lifestyle. Guys, your box of corn flakes isn’t just food, it’s like the only medical encyclopedia you’ll ever need. Like here it says that walking is good exercise. Well, I walked from the parking lot into the studio today, so I don’t need any more exercise. Now, you see, I wouldn’t have known that if I hadn’t read the back of the box of corn flakes.
And over here in the stuff they call “Nutrition Information,” you can see that this has 25% of about a billion different kinds of vitamins. So it stands to reason that all you have to eat is four bowls of corn flakes a day, and you’ll get all the nutrition you need. Of course, you’ll probably still want a pizza or two. Now, up here it says that the corn flakes are “part of a nutritious breakfast.” Remember, the corn flakes by themselves aren’t enough. That’s why you have to add the milk and the sugar.
But anyway, you have to stop reading sometime and actually open the box. If you look at the top, you can see there’s this little tab you’re supposed to lift up, and the box just sort of magically opens. That never works. Besides, what they never tell you is that there’s a sealed plastic bag inside there, so you still wouldn’t have your corn flakes even if you did get that stupid tab open. That’s why I have this circular saw. I just put the box on its side like this, and then I turn on the [-----inaudible-----] like that. And you see? Cut right across the top, nice and square. And I’ll screw that piece of counter back on later.
Now we dump the corn flakes into a bowl. I didn’t actually find a clean bowl, but I have this margarine tub that works just as well. I’d better take out the margarine first, though. There. Now we put the corn flakes in the bowl, and now we have to get the milk. I’ve already opened the milk carton—see that nice square cut?—so I don’t have to do that now, but the technique is just like with the cornflakes box. This is brand-new milk, so it’s still in liquid form, which is the best kind. Don’t use that chunky stuff in the back of your refrigerator unless you can’t get the new stuff. So just pour that over the corn flakes like this. That was easy, wasn’t it?
Now comes the sugar. As far as I can tell, most sugar bowls were designed to hold one serving of sugar, which is really convenient. So just turn it over and pour. If it overflows the bowl a bit and spills on the floor, don’t worry. As I always say, that’s why you have a dog.
And there you are. Now all you need is a spoon, or if you can’t find one you need to be kind of quick with a fork to get the milk. Never tried it with chopsticks, but maybe some of my Asian viewers could write in and tell me how it’s done.
Well, it looks like we’re all done here. Don’t forget to tell your wife you need a new sugar bowl, ’cause the old one’s empty. And that’s it for this week’s show.
Herb is still out of commission, but you can see him later tonight in that documentary about food safety they’ve been advertising all week. Till next week, I’m Al, saying what Herb always says, which is, Remember, cooking is for guys, too.
