DR. BOLI’S COMPREHENSIVE HERBAL.

No. 13 in a Series of 253,486.

THE VENUS FLY-TRAP.—The Venus Fly-Trap is a carnivorous plant that, as its name implies, can fly, soaring through the skies of the Carolinas in search of its prey. It is named for the goddess Venus on account of its excessive vanity, and indeed it will swoop down on small folding mirrors, lipsticks, and such other portable cosmetics as it may easily make off with before their owners are warned of its approach. Little is known of its habits and physiology, mostly on account of its habit of digesting professors of botany who venture too close to its lair. In its rapid movement it is similar to the Sensitive Plant (Mimosa pudica); the latter, however, as its Latin name implies, is ashamed of itself for undetermined reasons, and uses its capacity to move for the purpose of withdrawing itself from unwelcome attention. In the wild, the Venus Fly-Trap is currently listed as endangered, owing to invasion of its habitat by helicopters and commercial airliners. It is, however, frequently cultivated as a novelty by the adventurous and the ignorant, some of whom have survived to this day, though many are missing one or more limbs. As long as it is fed a steady diet of meter readers and security-system salesmen, the Venus Fly-Trap will grow contentedly in the home for many years.

The Venus Fly-Trap is ruled by Mars, but seldom pays much attention to him.

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DR. BOLI’S ALLEGORICAL BESTIARY.

No 17.—The Slug.

THE SLUG IS a fascinating and intelligent creature, in many ways our equal and in some our superior. Slugs are most frequently found under rocks, having wandered from the vast underground civilizations they call home. In our above-ground world they are awkward and slow, but under the ground they build vast public-transit networks that carry them wherever they need to go quickly and efficiently. They spend their days attending concerts and visiting museums, sometimes pausing to take refreshment at small but sophisticated ethnic restaurants. At home, slugs are perfect exemplars of family life, raising their young to appreciate good taste and refinement in all aspects of slug culture. Politically, slugs are perfectly democratic, making all their important decisions in public meetings at which every motion is passed by consensus. Their architecture combines beauty and practicality in just proportion. In the mathematical sciences, slugs have learned to divide by zero without fear, freeing themselves from much of the superstitious baggage that hampers our own mathematicians. By special dispensation, they are exempt from original sin and its ravages on other forms of life. They have perfect taste in neckties. All these things are seldom obvious when one of them wanders above the ground, but a little careful observation corrects our mistaken impression of the slug and finds much to admire in it.

Allegorically, the slug represents the color Cyan.

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR.

Sir:

We have grown weary of all these complaints that the government “wastes” billions of dollars on military hardware that does not work as intended. It is high time someone stepped up to defend manufacturers who put the interests of humanity above sordid profits. Are these self-appointed “watchdogs” entirely devoid of human feeling? The fact that most military hardware is inoperable as delivered is all that stands between us and Armageddon.

Sincerely,
Nicholas D. Chabraja,
Chairman,
General Dynamics Corporation

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Sir:

I was wondering whether you could help me. I seem to have lost a cufflink. The article is of little value in itself, but I believe it may be still attached to the cuff, which is also missing. The cuff was attached to my shirt, and right now I look rather silly.

Sincerely,
Fr. Archibald Wibble, O.B.E.

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Sir:

City Council’s recent decision to ban upholstered furniture from unenclosed front porches has been devastating to the old-couch industry throughout the metropolis. As I survey my vast showroom, filled with tattered sofas of every description gaily spilling stuffing onto the floor, I ask myself whether my business can survive at all without the steady stream of university students that used to pour in after every football game in search of flammable upholstery. Rounding up old sofas from front porches in the university neighborhoods and setting them ablaze has been a celebratory tradition since time immemorial. Have the members of City Council gone mad with power? Have they no regard for the rights of honest retailers? Does no one recall that this is exactly how Hitler began his reign of terror in 1932? And Stalin, and Mussolini, and Pol Pot, and Lyndon Johnson? I despair for the future of this country. Meanwhile, if any of your readers will visit Irv’s Upholstery Jungle between now and June 1, they will find a number of attractive bargains available for no money down and surprisingly affordable monthly payments.

Sincerely,
Irving Horsehair

DR. BOLI’S PAINT-BY-NUMBERS.

No. 1.—A Steer.

HERE’S AN ACTIVITY the whole family can enjoy! Simply fill in the numbered areas on this drawing of a steer, using the numerical key to guide your choice of colors. When you’re done, you’ll have a beautiful painting, similar to the celebrated agricultural paintings of the Dutch artist Aelbert Cuyp, but with considerably less effort.

Click on the picture to enlarge it; then download it and print it.

Color Key:

1. Brown
2. Brown
3. Brown
4. Brown
5. Brown
6. Brown
7. Brown
8. Brown
9. Brown
10. Brown
11. Brown
12. Brown
13. Brown
14. Brown
15. Brown
16. Brown
17. Brown
18. Brown

Kids! Send your completed painting to this address for a special prize:

The Hon. Arlen Specter
United States Capitol
Next to Heck’s All-Nite Service Station
Washington, D.C.

Make sure you mention that Dr. Boli sent you.

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SATANIC MESSAGES IN WELL-KNOWN RECORDINGS.

THE INFERNAL REGIONS Sound Reproducing Company has kindly provided us with this list of well-known sound recordings in which backwards satanic messages have been found.

Eddie Cantor’s first recording of “If You Knew Susie” includes this whispered line, audible when the very end of the recording is played backwards: “Satan, paint my toenails pink.” When played forwards, the incantation is indistinguishable from surface noise.

The Vaudeville team of Gallagher & Shean made several recordings of their signature number, “Mister Gallagher and Mister Shean.” On the 1922 Victor version, the end of the second chorus, when played backwards, reveals two lines of spoken dialogue: “Positively, Mister Gallagher?”—“Spawn of Satan, Mister Shean!”

Luis Russel’s recording of “Ol’ Man River” includes a trumpet solo by Henry “Red” Allen that is remarkably devilish played either forwards or backwards.

The famous “Ode to Joy” by Schiller, so admirably set to music by Beethoven in his Ninth Symphony, reveals the following line when played backwards: “Muisyle sua Rethcot, Neknufretteog reneohcs Eduerf.” The mysterious message passed unnoticed until after the invention of sound recording, and scholars still do not agree on the meaning.

The coda to Jeremy Freakout’s notorious 1971 single “I Pledge My Immortal Soul to the Dark Lord,” played backwards at half speed, reveals the words “I like strawberry ice cream” intoned in a kind of maniacal growl.

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FORTHCOMING WORKS BY DR. BOLI.

A Child’s Guide to Proper Self-Esteem. Educational and behavioral experts agree that proper self-esteem is essential to the correct development of young persons. Without a correct understanding of the self, the development of the personality is grotesquely stunted. Beginning with Chapter 1, “Proper Self-Esteem Means Knowing You’re a Twit,” Dr. Boli leads today’s spoiled and coddled young people on a journey of true self-discovery. Through entertaining chapters like “Understanding Your Fallen Nature” and “Where Your Parents Went Wrong,” young readers learn the value of proper self-esteem in the well-ordered life. By the time they reach the end of the book, Dr. Boli guarantees that the little creeps will have no more problems with self-esteem. 12mo, 832 pp.