JOIN THE DANDELION LEGION.
A REVOLUTION IN politics is accomplished, a hundred days of a new presidential administration have passed, and yet the United States of America still has no national flower! Can any better evidence be offered of the failure of our national government?
Fortunately it is never too late to join the DANDELION LEGION, Dr. Boli’s ongoing fight to have the dandelion (Taraxacum officinale) recognized as our national flower.
As Dr. Boli has pointed out on many occasions, the dandelion ideally reflects the American story. It is a plant that came from Europe and within a few decades had stolen all the best land from the natives.
What can you do to help? Any number of things!
You can start by writing your congressperson or senator. Write often, perhaps several times a day. Many of our elected representatives are able to read and relish the priceless entertainment provided by frequent letters from their constituents.
You could also carry placards outside subway stations and major intersections.
Or why not surprise a neighbor by planting dandelion seeds in his yard? Imagine his delight when his humdrum grass-infested lawn bursts into a sea of yellow bloom! Soon you’ll have made a convert to the cause.
Finally, you can put this banner on your Web site, with a link to this article.
Join the cause today! Start a yellow revolution! Give your life a purpose! Temporarily relieve your boredom!
COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.
THE SPINNIN’ SUDS coin laundry and beer distributor would like to apologize for the unfortunate confusion yesterday, and promises its customers that effectual measures have been taken to reduce the chance of a recurrence. Henceforth the laundry soap will be stored separately.
Found: Cat. About 10 feet long nose to tail, weighs about 500 pounds. Reddish-orange, with unusual pattern of black vertical stripes. Very friendly. Please reply via this magazine.
Blandville Area Concerned Citizens will hold their June meeting a month early on May 3 at St. Barnabas’ Church. Officer Ralph Crankleigh of the city police will speak on “The Teenager Menace.” No one under the age of 30 will be admitted.
The Blandville Branch Library will offer a one-hour talk entitled “What Is a Book?” on Saturday, May 2, at 1 p.m. The audience will have the opportunity to see and handle several books after the talk.
The Port Authority is considering rescheduling the inbound Route 42C streetcar now arriving at Bland Street at 4:42 to 4:46. This will be a major change in our community and public input is invited.
Because nothing usually happens in our community between May 30 and July 4, the Community Bulletin Board will not appear next month.
UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA.
EVERY NIGHT AT precisely 10:38, the clock in Mr. Amory Backbay’s parlor strikes fifteen.
Visitors who stand at the entrance to the Cave of the Breezes outside Elkins, West Virginia, report hearing mysterious voices emanating from the interior that seem to repeat the word “onomatopoeia” over and over in a whispered monotone.
A single mauve woolen stocking has been left at the tomb of Aubrey Beardsley in Menton, France, every St. Barnabas’ day since 1898.
To this day, no one understands Finnish.
If you stand and look across the Chartiers Creek at a point exactly halfway between Carnegie and Crafton, you will see yourself on the opposite bank looking back.
On a stretch of rural highway known as Magnetic Hill outside Blairsville, Penna., automobiles left in neutral will roll downward toward the bottom, as if impelled by some mysterious external force.
DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
PITTSBURGH (Special to the Dispatch.) — Spiro T. Agnew, who ran for vice president on the Fringe ticket last fall, has reacted angrily to media reports of his practice of breaking thumbs to encourage campaign contributions and endorsements.
“The fact is, it worked,” Mr. Agnew told reporters at a press conference in his home at Dulaney Valley Memorial Gardens. “It was very persuasive. The Fringe Party got endorsements and contributions, sometimes in the form of large wads of cash, from people who never would have supported us otherwise.”
Mr. Agnew called for print and electrical media to publish reports that, he claims, would show the effectiveness of his “enhanced campaign techniques.”
“I find it very disturbing that there seems to be no balance at all from these mumbling media mavens,” Mr. Agnew said. “We hear from all the wailing wobbling wimps who say that thumb-breaking is ‘unethical’ or ‘illegal,’ but nothing from the experts who know how effective it is.”
Warren G. Harding, whose Fringe campaign for president has never been officially suspended, did not release a statement on Mr. Agnew’s remarks. The editor of the Pittsburgh Dispatch, who was singled out by Mr. Agnew for especial criticism as “that puerile panderer of the press,” released a six-word statement: “It takes one to know one.”
Mr. Agnew says that, in the end, the public should have the chance to weigh the evidence for and against thumb-breaking.
“That’s what democracy is. It’s about making choices. I chose to break thumbs, and I believe history will bear me out when I say that it got me the results I wanted.”
DRAMATIC SCENES FROM “EDNA-LOU.”
MR. IRVING VANDERBLOCK-WHEEDLE’S verse drama Edna-Lou: A Drama of the Hampton Roads is currently enjoying a very successful run at the Mithraeum in Norfolk. By means of the half-tone facsimile process, these photographs of the performing cast have been transmitted to us for exclusive publication in our Magazine.
EDNA-LOU. But, Father, dear, he is an Anglican.
BANKS. An Anglican! Henceforth I have no daughter!
STEFANO. We stand together on a precipice;
Are we to leap? Are we to fall? What now?
Consider it, beloved: thou and I
Alone among the wolves! Adrift! Unmoor’d!
What can th’uncertain future have in store
For us? This policy addresses that.
STEFANO. But now it is too late; I die, I die.
Farewell to my tormentors; I forgive you;
Forgive you all, though ye deserve it not.
Farewell, sweet Edna-Lou: thee I did love,
And I believe thou lovest me.
EDNA-LOU. But hold!
We have not had our conversation yet
About insurance.
STEFANO. Nay, it is too late.
EDNA-LOU. It never is too late to speak of things
That touch on proper coverage. Hold, I say!
POPE LEO LXIV. I pardon him! Yea, I move heav’n and earth
To pardon him! For this indeed I came
To Newport News.
EDNA-LOU. Ah! God is merciful!
EDNA-LOU. At last we are united! But the past
Casts its long shadow o’er our happiness.
Oh, let us fly from here! Let not the ghosts
Of bygone torments haunt our married life.
STEFANO. How wise thou art, beloved! Wise as fair,
And fair thou art. We’ll move to Chesapeake.
