TRADITIONAL REMEDIES FOR HICCUPS.

TAKE ONE TEASPOON of sugar and wave it under the nose repeatedly until the hiccups cease.

Recite the Gettysburg Address backwards, translating into Finnish as you go. When you reach the beginning, the hiccups will be gone.

Hold your head in your hands and rock back and forth for several minutes, moaning.

Contract a more serious disease, thus giving the body something else to entertain itself with.

Pinch the upper part of the nose, tilt the head backward, and count to thirty-seven. If you forget to stop and go beyond thirty-seven, begin again.

Play “Rose of Washington Square” on the banjo as fast as you possibly can.

Read Lord Lytton’s Devereux.

Sneeze repeatedly. This strategy usually takes the hiccups by surprise.

Published in: on January 31, 2009 at 9:27 pm Comments (4)

TONIGHT AT EIGHT.

Dumont Network: Takedown Notice (crime drama). A fast-paced new drama focusing on the heroic self-appointed enforcers of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. Tonight: Moira wants to put a gang of middle-school file-sharing pirates behind bars—until she learns that one of them is her little sister Mira!

The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight’s guest, fundamentalist mathematician Dr. Enoch Prattle, leads us through the complicated equations by which he derived the startling fact that “OBAMA” = 666.

Northern Broadcasting System: Stones of the City (crime drama). This latest entry in the vampire-building-inspector genre follows the adventures of Sam Ionescu, inspector for the city of Washington (Penna.). Tonight: When everything goes wrong in a new apartment building’s pipes, Sam begins to suspect his old nemesis, werewolf plumbing inspector Bob Ceausescu.

Metromedia: Al n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: Hephaestion thinks Syria would make the perfect birthday gift for Alexander, but he starts to panic when he finds out that Alexander’s already got one.

Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Sled dogs of the Yukon Open.

Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: Motion to censure the burgess’s new haircut.

Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot new reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Distracted by the death of her father and the amputation of her own right foot, Alison fills out the restroom checklist incorrectly and is put on probation.

The Lawnmower Channel: Mow in the Snow (yardwork). Real men don’t let winter keep them away from their lawnmowers!

Science Central: That’s a Fact! (documentary). Tonight: Prominent homeopath Dr. Giancarlo Miasma proves the efficacy of homeopathy by talking very loudly.

Published in: on January 30, 2009 at 10:51 am Comments (1)

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Published in: on January 29, 2009 at 12:35 pm Comments (4)

THE WONDERFULL AUTOMATON.

(Continuing the narrative that began here.)

Part 18.

-

Letter the Twenty-Fourth: Sir George Purvis to Miss Amelia Purvis.

My dearest Amelia,——

’Tis all done, all exploded, and doubtless the News has reached you before these Letters,—Letters which I had until recently supposed were in your Hands already. I send them to you now in a Bundle, because the Rumors of my Part in the Affair must have caused you no little Distress; and these Letters, writ as the Events took Place, may explain, what must, when you heard of it, have seemed inexplicable. I know not whether you can forgive me now for the Disgrace which you must surely have suffered on my Behalf; but I ask that you put aside your Resentment, until after you have read these Letters:—Letters which, I trust, will represent me as a Fool, but not as a Criminal.

Farewell, my dearest Sister, and my Companion. Whether I shall see you again, I cannot say, but I shall always carry your Image in my Heart; for, believe me, I am ever

Your loving Brother,

George.

-

The Letters that follow were found in a Bundle tied with String; and it is very doubtful, whether any of em had ever been read, before the Preparation of this Volume.

-

Letter the Twenty-Fifth: Sir George Purvis to Miss Amelia Purvis.

My poor dear Amelia,——

Why do I write? I tremble with Rage, —with Shame, —with I know not what Passions, so that I can scarce hold the Pen; I have been imposed upon, to such a Degree, that I cannot express my Fury. I write to express, what I cannot express: This is a Paradox, or unnatural Contradiction. But I shall tell you what has passed, and you shall know. —But because I have taken an Oath, which may not be abnegated, tho’ all Reason begs me to break it, I must ask you to consider all I write as a Confidence, to be imparted to you only.

I retired last Night, the third Night of my Stay here, in that same cavernous, but now familiar Room; and I had nearly drifted into Slumber, when I felt an overwhelming Sense that someone stood without the Door. I know not whether I had heard some Movement, or whether some preternatural Sense had given me a Warning; but the Impression would no be dispelled. At once my old Fears came back, and I could not overcome them without opening the Door and seeing what stood beyond. I rose from the Bed, and grasped a Taper; I strode toward the Door, and now I positively heard a Sound, as of footsteps without. I flung the door aside and stepped into the darkened Hall; and what was my Horror, you may easily imagine, when I beheld rapidly receding from me, that same spectral Apparition which had terrified me on my first Visit: a ghostly Woman, all in white, on the Edge of the Candle-light.

I know not whether I have grown bolder, or whether my Fear impelled me to Action. I began to pursue the Apparition, and at once the Apparition quickened its Step; I positively ran, and soon caught her; she struggled, twisted, turned toward me, and in the light of the dim Candle I beheld the Face of the Automaton. It was not the Automaton, for it was a Woman of living Flesh; and yet it was that Face, which I had studied, and committed to Memory in every Part and Detail. Then she twisted to escape me again, and the Taper fell, and was extinguished, so that we were in utter Darkness.

I had relinquished my Hold on the Creature, and I heard her hastening Footsteps receding from me in the impenetrable Blackness; but I stood unmoving for some Time. At first I was bewildered; then the awful Verity that I had been monstrously deceived flooded into me all at once, and I was filled with impotent Anger. ’Twas at once clear to me, That there had never been an Automaton, and I resolved, or rather was impelled by blind Rage, to wake Doctor Albertus, and have Words with him.

Why shall I prolong your Distress, as mine was prolong’d? I took a Taper from my Room and woke the Doctor; he admitted, with a cold Frankness that was as appalling as it was unexpected, that the Automaton I had seen was but a Woman artfully disguised. In a word, she was one Fanny Smith, late a Seamstress of London, whom he had trained and employed to impersonate a Machine. When I began to express my Indignation, he had the Temerity to suggest that we discuss the matter in a civilized Fashion, which is to say over Coffee in the Drawing-room. As I was nearly apoplectic with Rage, he took the Opportunity of my Speechlessness to ring for his antient Housekeeper; and the Coffee was poured, and as he drank (for I drank nothing) the Scoundrel actually attempted to perswade me that he had done no wrong. “You cannot know how true my falsehoods have been,” he said to me, speaking in such impenetrable Riddles that I verily did begin to believe him mad. I was not perswaded, however, and so he began to speak of another more shameful Matter, and to my Shame I admit to having listened to his base Appeal. For this is what he said:

“There is—alas that I should mention it!—one other Matter, the Consideration of which may be of some Assistance in determining thy Course of Action. I refer to thine own Reputation, which I do verily believe is as much involved as mine in the publick Perception of my Work. Consider it well, Sir George: Consider the Opinion of thine Acquaintances, thy Friends, thine own Family, wert thou to denounce me as a Fraud;—me, whom thou hast introduced into their Society as thine especial Friend. I own I know not what Course I should pursue, were I in thy Position. Thou knowest so little of me, that thou thinkest me an Impostor, not seeing—for how couldst thou see?—that mine Imposture, as thou must see it, serves only Truth. Yet I could show thee, when thou art more prepared for the Beholding of it;—I could show thee, I say, that which would remove thy Doubts. Thou didst think me honest until now; thou wilt think me so again, I dare say, when thou knowest all; in the Interval, a little Faith will sustain thee, and thy Trust will prove a Benefit to us both.”

“Trust?” I spoke with a Vehemence that surprised me.—”Trust? How do you speak to me of Trust, when you pass off a common Hussy as the scientifick Miracle of the Age? Trust, sir, is not a Privilege you have earned, you and your Cockney Seamstress. Can you truly expect my Trust after such a foul Betrayal?”

I stopped: The Fiend was smiling at me.

“My Indignation amuses you,” I said, with my Rage scarce controlled.

“Thou speakest (quoth he) in the Accents of a disappointed Lover. ’Tis natural, Sir George. Mistress Smith is not the Mystery thou thought’st her, tho’ I should wager she has Mystery enough in the Depths and Recesses of her Soul. She might surprize thee, Sir George. No matter: I can see that thou feelest a Loss or Bereavement. It is my place as thy Friend—nay, speak not, Sir George, and leave unsaid what thou wouldst fain unsay in Time to come, for thou wilt find me thy true Friend ere long; and it is my place as thy Friend, I say, to console thee. Thou grievest for the Automaton that is dead: Rejoice, for the Automaton lives.

“Thou hast (he continued) a rare and penetrating Intellect, which is a Faculty not to be despised. I love thee for it; I verily do; ’tis the Thing that makes us Brothers, whatever thine Opinion of me may be at the Moment.”

I refrained from expressing my Opinion, for which I own at the Moment I could hardly find Words. With great Deliberateness, he took a lingering Sip from his Coffee before continuing thus:

“Wherefore I have made up my Mind to introduce thee to the most profound Mysteries of mine Art: For I am not quite the Fraud thou mightst think me. It is true that I have in a Manner of Speaking deceived the Publick, and thee as well; but my Deception, as thou wouldst name it, has been in the Service of a greater and deeper Truth. That such is the Case, thou wilt doubtless acknowledge, when thou hast seen, what no Man, and only one Woman, has seen heretofore: I mean the Workshop wherein my Secrets are hid from the uncomprehending Gaze of the unsympathetic World.”

And this is where we have left the matter. I blush to say it, and cannot explain it; but I have given the Doctor my Promise, That I shall not make any precipitate Decision, until I have viewed this Workshop of his: Wherein he undertakes to shew me the Reason for his Fraud and Subterfuge. Here in my Room, away from the Flow of honey’d Words with which he attempts to soothe my wounded Conscience, I can see no reason for it; I should like to depart at once, and tell all London that the great Doctor is a Cheat and a Liar. But I have given him my Word, and I am bound by it: For my Honor, I hope, has not been taken from me, tho’ my Reputation might be ruined. Farewell for the Moment, and believe me that I am innocent of any Intention to Deceive: For I am

Your honorable brother,

George.

-

Continue to Part 19.

Published in: on January 27, 2009 at 10:23 pm Comments (1)

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Published in: on January 26, 2009 at 7:42 pm Comments (4)

CHINESE ASTROLOGY.

Presented in Honor of the Lunar New Year by Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag.

WESTERN ASTROLOGY IS based on the idea that the date of one’s birth, which comes about once a year in an unending cycle, determines one’s destiny. Chinese astrology, on the other hand, postulates that the year of one’s birth is the determining element.

Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag has great respect for the ancient wisdom of the Celestial Empire, and believes that the mere fact that these two systems are mutually exclusive should not be taken as evidence that they are not both true.

The twelve years of the Chinese astrological cycle are named for various animals. After twelve years, the cycle repeats, on the assumption that most people have short memories and will not notice. To determine the name of the year in which you were born, simply divide the current year by the year of your birth, and then look up the result in Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag’s Handy Chinese Astrology Reference Book, available for $19.95 from better booksellers everywhere.

Ox. For your whole life you will carry the stigma of an irregular plural. Marry a Lion late in life. We mean a person born in the year of the lion, not that you should marry an actual lion, which the surgeon general has determined could lead to serious injury.

Dragon. You are noble and beautiful. Generous by nature, you show fearless courage in every undertaking. You are trusted and admired by every living being. You are entirely mythological, which explains your other attributes.

Lion. You are immoderately proud, with a tendency to lick yourself for hours.

Snake. Sly, somewhat sinister but seldom slimy, slightly short. A sucker for sibilant sounds.

Marmoset. You have an aptitude for repetitive clerical work. Marry a snake early in life. Not a person born in the year of the snake, but an actual reptile.

Cockroach. You will live a short and miserable life and no one will love you. Enemies are the Ox, the Dragon, the Lion, the Snake, the Marmoset, the Spotted Phalanger, the Peccary, the Gnu, the Ocelot, the Tapir, the Squirrel, and the Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission.

Spotted Phalanger. You are a nocturnal marsupial, carrying your young in your pouch and hanging from tree limbs by your prehensile tail. You feed on fruit, buds, meat, and eggs.

Peccary. You have a placid disposition and are inclined to melancholy. Your artistic side is wisely repressed most of the time. The ox is your friend, but he never calls anymore.

Gnu. Your parents are to blame for most of what will happen to you.

Ocelot. Your fine moral sense will keep you unemployed most of your life. Beware of the Spotted Phalanger, because if you see one you are in New Guinea and therefore lost.

Tapir. Resilience is your best quality, and it is indeed just as well for you that you have great reserves of it to call upon.

Squirrel. Your innate intelligence and good sense render you impervious to all forms of quackery and nonsense, and Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag wants nothing to do with you.

Published in: on January 25, 2009 at 9:45 pm Comments (3)

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Published in: on January 24, 2009 at 11:52 am Comments (3)

THE WONDERFULL AUTOMATON.

(Continuing the narrative that began here.)

Part 17.

-

Letter the Twenty-Second: Sir George Purvis to Miss Amelia Purvis.

My dear Sister,——

I have returned to Grimthorne. I own I had not expected so soon to desert the Metropolis; but Doctor Albertus must go back to his Workshop, to produce more of the Clockworks for which the demand in London is quite insatiable. When he offered an Invitation to me to accompany him again, I could not refuse. Without the Automaton, what is there to keep me in London?

Here I sit, in that same cold and dark Room, with an infinite Number of Tapers making War upon the Darkness, but with as little Effect as if they were so many Ants ranged against Hannibal’s Elephants. The Chill penetrates to my very Bones, and the one Hand that strays from the Mountain of Bedclothes which I have built—the Hand with which I write—is nearly numb with the Cold. Yet I regret not coming here, for here is the Automaton, and here her Creator; I have left the World of ordinary Men, and partake even now of the World to come. —You see how the Philosophy of Doctor Albertus has affected me.

I promise to write as often as am able, but the Letters may be short. I shall end this one now, and withdraw my Hand from the icy Chill. You shall hear from me to-morrow, or the Day after that; until then,

I remain, &c.

-

Letter the Twenty-Third: Miss Amelia Purvis to Miss Honoria Wells.

My dearest Honoria,——

You must know that our George has been called from London again, and is once more in the inaccessible Wilds of the Country on Business. I am not at all sure that this Business of his is the sort that becomes a Gentleman of good Character. I do not mean that you have any Cause for suspecting him, but only that his Reputation is not well served by this Business of his. I shall not keep from you that George has gone to the Country-house of this Doctor Albertus, whose Automaton is the Talk of London. ’Tis one Thing for a Gentleman to enjoy the Performances of such a Character, and quite another Thing to become his particular and intimate Friend. I tell you these things so that you may exercise you Influence over him; for tho’ I know that George will be ruled by your sound Advice, when once you are his Wife, yet there are some Occasions on which you may wish to anticipate that happy State, and demand forthwith that Obedience which will then be your Due. For tho’ I am his Relation by Blood, yet you will be nearer, as being his Wife, whom he must honor. Farewell then for now. Distance cannot truly Separate two Sisters, whom all the Ties of mutual Affection conspire to bind together;

Wherefore I remain, &c.

-

Continue to Part 18.

Published in: on January 22, 2009 at 10:50 pm Comments (2)

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Published in: on January 21, 2009 at 8:31 pm Comments (1)

A POEM FOR THE INAUGURATION.

SOMEWHERE A POET scratches out a line.

Somewhere a teacher says Take up your pencils.

Somewhere a secretary says Ow my wrist hurts.

Somewhere a clerk says Welcome to Burger King how may I help you.

Somewhere a chicken waits to cross the road because he says I must see what is on the other side,

Stands on the brink on the brim on the cusp on the edge on the side on the border.

Praise the poet for speaking with the voice of the people.

Praise the poet for writing a poem that speaks as the people speak.

Praise the people for speaking in the words of poets.

Praise the people for standing still politely.

Praise the poem for avoiding rhyme and rhythm.

Praise the poem for being written in prose.

We shall have no poetry here.

Published in: on January 20, 2009 at 12:43 pm Comments (4)