COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.
Board of Zoning Appeals. A hearing will be held on Wednesday 7 p.m. to discuss a variance requested by Mr. Ernest Towelbaar for the purpose of adding a storm door to his back entrance. The usual cranks are invited to attend.
Found Dog. Italian greyhound, probably female. Urgently seeking owner or anyone else with knowledge of the particular command that causes the dog to release my ankle. Respond care of this magazine.
Bingo Night at Holy Regression Nicolaitan Orthodox Church has been canceled indefinitely following last week’s unfortunate incident. We regret that a few professional bingo sharps have been allowed to ruin it for everybody, but we are left with no alternative.
Tryouts for the Beechview Bombers croquet team will be held this Friday from 2 until 5 p.m. Must bring own mallet and champagne.
Lecture. The former Shah of Istanistan is this week’s featured speaker in the Alfred K. Miff Memorial Lecture Series at Miff Lecture Hall, Duck Hollow University. His topic will be “Opportunities in Multi-Level Marketing.” Admission is free. Thursday, 7:30 p.m.
Apartment for Rent. In third floor of historically notable Observatory Hill mansion. Probably not haunted. Must provide references from your exorcist or local skeptics’ association. Respond care of this magazine.
Reminder. Deadline for next week’s Community Bulletin Board is the week after next. We are trying to get this thing on some sort of schedule without being too draconian about it.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: In my job it is often necessary to keep alert for long periods of time, but very difficult to do so. Is there a safe homeopathic stimulant or antidote to drowsiness that I could take without worrying about side effects? —Sincerely, A United States Senator.
Dear Sir or Madam: As he has mentioned before, Dr. Boli is not a doctor of homeopathy. He prefers not to defy the laws of chemistry and physics unless it is absolutely necessary for the preservation of liberty, and then to confine his protest to single acts of civil disobedience rather than to adopt the life of an outlaw. Nevertheless, he has forwarded your question to several well-known homeopaths who asked not to be identified. This is their response.
As homeopathy operates by the principle that whatever causes a symptom in measurable amounts will cure the same in infinitesimal amounts, the best homeopathic remedy for drowsiness is a 13C dilution of Turkey in combination with a 15C dilution of Stuffing. Once again, Dr. Boli’s correspondents caution you not to attempt to manufacture this dilution yourself, as you would be tampering with demonic forces that only trained homeopaths can safely control. They also caution you that even such a powerful homeopathic remedy may not be effective in the notoriously soporific Senate chamber, for which reason they suggested that you might direct one member of your staff to come around and slap you awake or douse you with cold water at certain intervals. They had other suggestions as well, which Dr. Boli omits as unbecoming the pen of a patriotic American.
NERGAL-SHAREZER THE RABMAG’S ASTROLOGICAL PROGNOSTICATIONS.
Scorpio. Friends figure prominently in your plans for the day. The stars do not like your friends, and think you could do better.
Sagittarius. You will sleep now, and when you awake, you will be singing the number of a Swiss bank account to the tune of “Maryland, My Maryland.” The last two bars are the amount, in dollars and cents, that you will deposit in that account.
Capricorn. Who would have thought? Certainly not the stars. They were busy with this and that, and it completely slipped their mind.
Aquarius. It is not true that dogs growl at you everywhere you go. It only happens when you go to places where there are dogs.
Pisces. Strong drink is a temptation you must avoid today. Tomorrow, however, you are likely to need it.
Aries. Be warned: green leafy vegetables are not your friends today. The stars refuse to elaborate on that statement.
Taurus. The heavenly Saturn is in the ascendant right now. Your earthly Saturn needs a new head gasket. Sorry.
Gemini. Your double vision has nothing to do with your astrological sign; it is merely a troubling coincidence.
Cancer. The stars would like you to take two aspirin and call them in the morning. They hope you feel better.
Leo. Venus is in the house of Aquarius right now, and heaven knows what she gets up to in there. Better stay in bed.
Virgo. Money problems will tempt you to do something you know is wrong. The favorable alignment of the stars would tend to indicate that you should go ahead and do it.
Libra. Rain showers tonight, becoming freezing rain after midnight. Southwest wind around 11 miles per hour. Good fortune is showered upon you from about 3 a.m. to 4:30 a.m., but you’ll be in bed and miss it.
THE WONDERFULL AUTOMATON.
(Continuing the narrative that began here.)
Part 13.
Letter the Twelfth: Sir George Purvis to Miss Amelia Purvis.
My dear Sister,——
I write to fill the Interval, infinite and interminable, between the cold grey Dawn and the first Stirrings of the House: Which is to say, of Doctor Albertus; as for the antient Housekeeper, she rarely appears, nor do I perceive very much Evidence of her Work. Doctor Albertus (so he tells me) reserves these early Hours for his Workshop, wherein he fabricates those mechanicall Toys, or clockwork Contrivances, which the justified Fame of the Automaton has rendered the most desirable Objects in London.
My Sleep was uninterrupted last Night: No Spirits came to rouse me from my Rest, and I do believe that Doctor Albertus was correct in saying, That the Spirits were to be sought in my own febrile Imagination, and not in the House. There is something a little shameful in so easily succumbing to the Inchantments of an antient Pile of Stones and Mortar; and I am resolved no longer to allow Fancy to rule Reason, nor to fear that which I know to be naught but Phantomes spawned from my own Mind.
I shall leave you now, as I hear the heavy Steps of Doctor Albertus without; and my excuse for this abbreviated Letter shall be, That I wish to have more Experience of that remarkable Automaton, so that I may write of it to my dearest Sister. A longer Letter will follow; until which Time, you may believe me
Yours, &c.
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Letter the Thirteenth: Miss Honoria Wells to Miss Amelia Purvis.
My dearest Amelia,——
I write to ask whether you have heard from our beloved George of late; for I have not heard of him, since some five Weeks ago: Which is a longer Interval than he has yet allowed to pass between Letters. I have moreover had some Correspondence from London, which tells me, That George has not been seen there this Week, and that he has retired into the Country, tho’ which Part of it my Correspondent could not say. I am not by Nature suspicious, but a Fear has crept over me, that some Ill may have befallen George. For well I recollect, that Pirates have abducted Men even in the Heart of the City, as we learn from the exemplary Romance of Inezella, whose Abramo was taken from Sevil by Turks and sold for the Price of a Lemon. ’Tis true, that in the ample Leisure I have, my Thoughts have more Freedom than perhaps is conducive to my Repose: For I invent a thousand imaginary Mishaps, each more dreadful than the last, and see my George abducted, or imprisoned, or murthered; or even, as in the Tale of Rozina, wandering the Earth, with no recollection even of his own Name. But tho’ I perswade myself that there is nothing rational in my Fear, yet my Fear is not thereby extinguished. Wherefore I beg you for whatever News you may have, and subscribe myself
Your trembling but ever-faithful Friend,
Honoria.
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DR. BOLI’S COMPREHENSIVE HERBAL.
No. 12 in a Series of 253,486.
MUSHROOMS.—The mushroom is not, strictly speaking, a member of the vegetable kingdom; but as it is not, strictly speaking, anything else, it may reasonably find a place in this Herbal.
Mushrooms are a little bit ashamed of themselves, for which reason they are most often found in dark or shady places. The visible part of the organism, which is what we commonly call the mushroom, is only a small projection of the true organism, which lives under the ground and plots revenge. It has been plotting revenge for eons, and by now it has long since forgotten who offended it, so we may regard ourselves as relatively safe.
It is a well-known fact that every mushroom in one hemisphere is counterbalanced by an equal and opposite mushroom in the other hemisphere. These antipodean mushrooms are the so-called toadstools, deadly poisonous growths that terrorize our woodlands and give the whole mushroom family a bad name. To avoid the risk of toadstools, it is best to eat mushrooms only from reputable growers, less than 3% of whose mushrooms contain deadly poisons.
Mushrooms are governed by the planet Neptune, where they grow in abundance and are much prized as both food and shelter by the elves and fairies who inhabit that happy world. But the National Aeronautics and Space Administration has asked Dr. Boli not to reveal any more about the planet Neptune pending an upcoming press conference, and Dr. Boli is happy to respect their wishes.
