A Poem in Four Tombstones, Prepared in Cooperation with the Neighborhood Children.
COOKING FOR ONE.
WELCOME BACK TO Herb’s Cooking for One. I’m Al, filling in for Herb, who’s got some sort of botulism or trichinosis thing going on, but he’ll be just fine in a few days.
So anyway, we’re all about cooking things guys like to eat, right? And so what we’re going to cook tonight is one of my favorites, and I know it’s a favorite with a lot of guys out there. It’s called Scrambled Eggs, and it’s not too hard to make once you get some practice.
So don’t be afraid to try along with me. Hey, we’re here to have fun, right?
Now the first thing you need is some eggs. And it’s really helpful if you know where eggs come from. I was looking all over for them in the Foodland yesterday, and finally I had to ask. So this assistant manager guy, who looks like he’s about fourteen, tells me they’re over in the dairy case, with the milk and the cheese. Well, that’s just ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean, it’s not like cows lay eggs. Eggs come from chickens last time I checked, pal. (That’s what I told him. Smartmouth little dribble-nosed punk.) They should be with the meat, next to the chicken breasts and the buffalo wings. By the way, buffalo wings come from chickens, not buffalo. That’s another thing I learned yesterday.
So here we have some eggs, which come from the dairy case for some stupid reason, and what I’m going to do is I’m going to crack them and put the insides in this bowl. You can crack them however you like, but I like to give them a good sharp rap on the edge of the counter like this. Now, you see, that one ended up on the floor. Sometimes they end up on the floor. That’s okay, that’s why you have a dog. We’ll try again. There. Now we dump the goop into this bowl, and a little bit of shell got in there, but that’s okay, you can pick it out. Actually, it’s usually easier to pick out the shells after it’s cooked, because then you don’t have to stick your fingers in that goop. Now I’m going to do the same thing two more times, so we have three eggs in there. Two, three.
Okay, so now we’ve got the eggs in the bowl, and it’s time to scramble them, because that’s why this is called Scrambled Eggs. Now, some people have an electric mixer for this. I don’t, but I do have this power drill with a 32-millimeter flat wood bit, and that’s just as good. So I just put the drill in the bowl and [---inaudible---] guess that’s why most people don’t use drills. But I can fix that counter later with some spackle or something. Anyway, we can rescue most of the eggs by just brushing them off the counter into this other bowl. It’s always a good idea to have another bowl in case something happens to your first one. I found that out a long time ago.
So now what we need is a frying pan. I got this one at the dollar store, and it looks just fine to me. You don’t need fancy equipment to be a gourmet cook, although maybe you should have an electric mixer. As you can see, I’ve had this over the stove for a while now, and we just pour the eggs from the bowl into here. Whoa! Look at them sizzle! that’s what I call cooking!
So we can just let them go at it for a while, but it doesn’t take very long. Just watch. Are you watching? See, what you want to look for is you want the goop to stop being goopy. As soon as the top stuff isn’t goopy anymore, it’s done. Just got to wait a minute. A little more. Just a little more. And there! You see! It’s not goopy anymore. So now what you do is take it off the stove OH JEEZ LOUISE well I guess I should have said to use a towel or something. A little vitamin E will fix that right up. Anyway, so I get a towel and wrap it around my hand, and I take the pan off the stove. Now I’ve set out a plate here on the counter, and what I’m going to do is scrape the eggs out of the pan onto the plate like this. What you want to do is make sure the yellow stuff on top separates neatly from the black stuff on the bottom, which is the part you don’t want to eat. Then you can throw away the pan, because it’s no good anymore, which is why I always buy my pans at the dollar store. Now, doesn’t that look nice? I like my eggs with a little salt. Right now I’m out of salt, but I’ve got some baking soda here, and that’s sodium too, so I’ll just sprinkle a teaspoon or so on. And enjoy!
Well, that’s all we have time for. I’m Al for Herb’s Cooking for One, saying what Herb always says, which is “Remember, cooking is for guys, too.” Herb will be back with you next week if he’s lucky. Meanwhile, keep cooking, guys! Good night.
THE WONDERFULL AUTOMATON.
(Continuing the narrative that began here.)
Part 11.
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Letter the Tenth: Sir George Purvis to Miss Amelia Purvis
My dear Sister,——
O blessed Dawn! Tho’ she shewed not her rosy Fingers, but her dull gray Face alone, yet never was I so delighted to greet her! I have passed such a Night as I hope never to pass again.
Yesterday I spent partly in Conversation with Doctor Albertus, and partly in reading alone from the eminent Doctor’s curious Library: For the Doctor left me much on my Own, having (he said) certain Tasks to complete which would not bear Neglect.
These Conversations touched on every Matter, and I should have taken much Delight in recording them for you. I have not long to write, however; I am resolved to see Doctor Albertus as soon as he stirs, and bring him News, which may be as unpleasant for him to hear, as it is for me to deliver. I write to explain my sudden Change of Plans.
When I retired in the Evening, I thought myself better equipped to face the Prospect of another Night in the Abbey: For I had procured a prodigious Supply of Tapers,and moreover had had the Opportunity to grow accustomed to the Place. I brought with me a witty Play from the Library of Doctor Albertus, entitled, Love’s Triumph Delayed; or, the Lost Inheritance, which lightened the Gloom of the Chamber as I read it, and indeed I fell asleep with the Book upon my Chest.
For some time I slept soundly, untroubled by the Dreams and Night-mares of the previous Night; but at a certain Hour I began to imagine, once again, that I heard the Sound of Clockworks, an infinite Number of ’em, drawing nearer and nearer, till the very Bed shook with their Approach. Still my weariness kept me in Slumber, or rather on the very Edge of Waking; but as I fancy’d the Sound receding, I shook off Sleep, and started up, the Book falling on the Floor beside me as I did.
Now I was awake; and the wilfull Draughts having not yet won their inevitable Victory against the Tapers, there was still some Illumination in the Chamber. All was as I remembered it, at least in those Parts of the Room that were not hid in impenetrable Shadow. Yet the Memory of that infernal Cacophony would not leave me, and in the near Darkness I half believed that I had verily heard such a Noise, and that it was not a mere Dream or Fancy. So lively was the Impression it had left that I determined either to lay it to Rest as a Dream, or to discover the Cause of it, if it were a waking Perception.
Throwing the Blankets aside, I set my Feet on the icy stone Floor; and, without pausing to cover my Night-gown, I grasped the nearest Candle and opened the Door to the Hall.
All was Silence, and the only Illumination in the long Hall came from the Candle I held in my Hand: But my eye caught a Movement at the Edge of the Candle-light. Now you must swear, that you will think no less of me, when I tell you that my Heart stopped in my Breast, and that I was frozen to the Spot with Terror: For what I saw, tho’ it was nearly too dark to see anything, was the ghostly Figure of a Woman, dressed all in white, receding from me with silent Steps, if indeed her Feet moved at all, until she vanished in the impenetrable Blackness.
A certain Part of me would have pursued this Spirit, or whatever she might have been; but my Feet would not move, and I stood in the same Place for a Quarter of an Hour until the dripping Wax from the Taper burned my Hand. Then at last I was roused from my Petrification, and I retreated to my Chamber, where you may be assured I spent a sleepless Night.
I am, in most Circumstances, as brave as any other Man; but there is something about this House that would strike Fear into the Heart of Achilles. I have never in my Life been so grateful for the rosy-fingered Dawn as I was this Morning, and I am resolved to tell Doctor Albertus that I must no longer impose upon his Hospitality. This is the Reason for my Letter, with which I inform you that I shall return to London at the earliest Opportunity:
Where I shall have the Honor to remain, &c
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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
About the Quantonia Life Pin.
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What does the Quantonia Life Pin do?
All living things have a vital energy that flows continuously along certain meridians known to the ancients as “meridians.” The Quantonia Life Pin realigns your body’s flow of energy so that the meridians of current are parallel rather than diagonal.
How does that help me?
When your energy meridians are more efficient paths, your vital energy flows more directly. Thus you have more vital energy, because the energy is no longer spent on navigating tangled meridians.
What is this “energy” you talk about?
It’s very simple. Energy is… It’s a sort of… That is, it’s what you… When you have a… Actually, it can be very difficult to explain. You’d know if you’d seen Star Trek. It’s like this blue glow.
Does the Quantonia Life Pin need batteries?
No. The Quantonia Life Pin is powered by sucking the energy out of the people around you.
What is the history of the Quantonia Life Pin?
Ten thousand years ago, the ancient Peruvians who built the magnificent pyramids of Mexico discovered that certain crystals protected them from the harmful radiation emitted by their cell phones. As soon as they made this discovery, their wise priests set up a profitable mail-order business to make the health-giving properties of this crystal available to anyone with a mere $79.95 plus shipping and handling to invest in his or her well-being.
What research supports the efficacy of the Quantonia Life Pin?
An independent study that monitored seventeen experimental subjects wearing Quantonia Life Pins found that only one, or less than 6%, died during a 24-hour period.*
What if the Quantonia Life Pin just doesn’t work for me? Can I send it back for a refund?
You could try that and see where it gets you.
*“Quantonia Life Pin Not Demonstrable Threat to Public Health,” Proceedings of Commonwealth of Penna Commission on Medical Fraud, No. 163.
TONIGHT AT EIGHT.
Dumont Network: Takedown Notice (crime drama). A fast-paced new drama focusing on the heroic self-appointed enforcers of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. Tonight: Dirk and Moira investigate the shadowy underworld of “libraries,” where urban legend says that copyrighted books are loaned for free.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: Sister Thugg and the Hallelujah Squad join the Rev. Bob-Bob to sing their biggest hit, “Jesus Loves Me More (’Cause He Loves You Less).”
Northern Broadcasting System: Stones of the City (crime drama). This latest entry in the vampire-building-inspector genre follows the adventures of Sam Ionescu, inspector for the city of Washington (Penna.). Tonight: Sam is dating a girl who’s afraid of the dark. Predictable complications ensue.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: Running for a second term as Emperor of the Known World, Al blows his stack when he discovers that his opponent is Hephaestion in a false beard.
Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: How to fold a working origami niblick.
Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: Motion to invest the pension fund at Wheeling Downs to shore up the faltering economy.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot new reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Feeling wacky and madcap, Lucy flouts the Fish ’n’ Fry uniform policy by wearing one black sock and one dark blue sock.
The Lawnmower Channel: Dang Bicycle Tracks (debate). A live debate between the Angustifolia Woodby Intermediate School debate team and crotchety old Lemuel Crinkle down the street.
Science Central: Peer Review (reality). In this new reality show, aspiring young scientists bring their papers for “peer review,” where their quality is judged by audience applause.
