DR. BOLI’S COMPREHENSIVE HERBAL.

No. 11 in a Series of 253,486.

GOLDENROD (Solidago).—This familiar flower brightens our roadsides and meadows from August through the last frost, but few know its dark and tragic history. There are so many species of goldenrod, often differing in tiny details hardly visible to the naked eye, that even competent botanists throw up their hands in despair of ever identifying a particular plant correctly.

In the past, goldenrod was often falsely accused of causing hay fever and similar allergic reactions (the true culprit being the villainous ragweeds, which bloom rather stealthily at the same time). In Salem, Mass., dried bouquets of goldenrod were introduced as evidence in the court of oyer and terminer during the trial of Fanny Whatcombe, Elizabeth Stench, and Margaret Wither for witchcraft, and this evidence alone was said to have been the chief cause of their conviction. Cotton Mather himself led a hastily assembled constabulary door to door in Salem, rooting out plantings of goldenrod in cottage gardens and closely questioning any older women he found about their use of the herb.

Although the mania for hanging witches faded into embarrassment and silence, the persecution of the goldenrods was only beginning. Throughout the eighteenth century and well into the nineteenth, fields of goldenrod fell victim to the most horrifying and atrocious pogroms; and as late as 1936 suspected Klan members, probably aided by the local police, decapitated every single Solidago plant in a five-acre field in Burnt Pie, Miss. Indeed, the time of lynch law may be said to be behind us, but the prejudice the goldenrods face in the United States is nearly insurmountable, and the enlightened gardener who introduces these stately and beautiful perennials into his plantings is still derided or dismissed as a crank.

In Europe, where horticultural sanity prevails, the goldenrod is a prized ornamental, and many American goldenrods have emigrated to Europe as a result.

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THE WONDERFULL AUTOMATON.

Introduction.

IN PRESENTING A gothic novel in letters from the eighteenth century, to be published in serial form over the coming months, Dr. Boli is well aware that the language of the work may be a considerable departure from the crisp, modern style normally favored in the pages of this Magazine. The subject, however, caught Dr. Boli’s attention: it asks the ancient question, What is the nature of Love? Like every good novel, it leaves the central question unanswered, and the reader vaguely dissatisfied, in the end.

Dr. Boli feels compelled to point out that the work is presented here in a somewhat abbreviated form, although without omitting anything essential to an understanding of the story. He also feels compelled to remark that the surname of one of the principal characters, the eminent Dr. Albertus, is identical to Dr. Boli’s middle name by mere coincidence, the action taking place in a distant time before even Dr. Boli was born.

At this point it would be customary to add some account of the discovery of the manuscript; for it is indeed an uncommon thing for a work of this sort to be resurrected after two and a half centuries of neglect. Having composed such an account, however, Dr. Boli read it over, and, having bored himself into insensibility, decided to forgo publishing it.

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THE WONDERFULL AUTOMATON.

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Letter the First: Sir George Purvis to Miss Amelia Purvis.

My dear Sister,—

I send you this curious Handbill because you asked me for it. To speak with more Accuracy, you charged me to omit nothing of the Talk and Gossip of the Metropolis in my Letters. Here it is: For I must inform you that nothing else is spoken of here.

You might suppose that the Intrigues of the Jacobites, or the inflammatory Speeches of Mr. B—, or the comical Incident of my lord M—’s Wig, might furnish some Matter for Conversation here and there; but you would be mistaken, for throughout the Length and Breadth of London I hear only of the miraculous Doctor Albertus and his wonderfull Automaton. The Town is mad for Clockworks, and the Few who have been fortunate enough to procure some clockwork Toy, however small, made by the eminent Doctor himself, have displayed their Acquisitions with a Pride that would be universally denounced if its Object were a rare Gem, or a fine Picture, or any other Possession.

I have not seen the celebrated Automaton myself; but I have seen a small clockwork Mouse of the eminent Doctor’s Manufacture, and I confess that I thought it a remarkably clever Contrivance. Its most surprising Aspect is its Ability to learn a simple Task: For if it meets with any Obstruction in its Path, it turns to the Left or to the Right; and starting again from the same Point, it will turn before it meets the Obstacle, as tho’ it remembered the Course from its previous Trial. I presume that the celebrated Automaton is constructed on the same Principles, but its larger Frame must necessarily admit of a much greater Number of Gears and Pulleys, and thus a correspondingly greater Variety in its Motions and Capabilities.

Since I have not observed the Thing itself, I have no more to report on this Subject; but I pledge you my Word that I shall not forget my promised Diligence, and shall consider it my Duty and my Obligation to seek out whatever Report I may find of this most interesting Phenomenon.

Convey my Greetings to our cousin Honoria: For I know not whether I shall have the Leisure to write to her myself, altho’ I think of her often. You shall hear from me soon. Until then,

I remain, &c.

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The Interlocutor

No. 73

Advertisement.-–A certain eminent Doctor of Philosophy, who amuses himself with the Construction of clockwork Toys, is desired to restrict his Hours: For his Clockworks have lately made such a Noise, that all London is kept awake.

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Continue to Part 2.

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TONIGHT AT EIGHT.

Dumont Network: Takedown Notice (crime drama). A fast-paced new drama focusing on the heroic self-appointed enforcers of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. Tonight: In the pilot episode, Dirk and Moira go after a gang of church mothers whose “entertainment” for their youth group consists of commercial DVDs not licensed for public exhibition.

The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: Under court order, the Rev. Bob-Bob explains exactly where your contribution money goes. Special guest: Miss Goldie “Boom-Boom” LaBomb.

Northern Broadcasting System: Stones of the City (crime drama). This latest entry in the vampire-building-inspector genre follows the adventures of Sam Ionescu, inspector for the city of Washington (Penna.). Tonight: New tenants complain that the walls of their 18th-century farmhouse are oozing blood. Has Sam found his dream house?

Metromedia: Al n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: Stuck in the two-bit burgh of Gordium, Al and Hephaestion really need an ox-cart to impress the chicks – but the only one available is all tied up with an impossible knot.

Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Badminton.

Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: The council president realizes for the first time that television cameras have been allowed into the borough building.

Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot new reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Anna has to choose between being promoted to morning-shift manager and running for lieutenant governor.

The Lawnmower Channel: St. Augustine Grass (yardwork). An examination of the special challenges St. Augustine grass poses to ordinary lawn mowers; one priest’s unsuccessful attempt to exorcise St. Augustine grass from his lawn.

Science Central: Science Now (documentary). Tonight: “The Case Against Gravitation.” Are anti-gravitationists simply uninformed cranks, or are they victims of a vast conspiracy to silence their alternative point of view? Narrator William de Vague presents compelling evidence that nothing in nature actually falls down.

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THE ASP’S ARIA.

It was not generally made public until recently that the libretto to Heyser’s well-received new opera, The Death of Cleopatra, was written by the eminent novelist and poet Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle. The Asp’s Aria, sung by Julietta della Fripperia to Heyser’s haunting cacophony of bassoons and kazoos, has been singled out for especial praise.

[Lento arigato.]

Excuse me, please, but did I overhear
A queen’s lament, with many a bitter tear?
You’ll find a true friend lurking very near:
I am (and please try not to gasp)
An asp.

Has it occurred to you what quick relief
Would comfort you and silence all your grief—
How short your cares would be, your tears how brief,
If to your bosom you should clasp
An asp?

I happen to have made my little nest
Right here, in this bejeweled little chest
(For you’ll agree that little chests are best):
Now just pull out the bolt and grasp
The hasp.

I’ll be your passp-
Ort to eternity and lasting fame:
Soon girls from Glassp-
Ort to Sewickley will usurp your name,
If you will lift the hasp
And just reach in and grasp
And to your bosom clasp
(Forgive my vocal rasp)
An asp.

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DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

States and Territories Supplement.

Alaska. The entire state of Alaska contains only one equestrian statue.

District of Columbia. Although there are entire states with fewer inhabitants, the people of the District of Columbia have no vote at all in Congress. This is not actually misinformation, being (strictly speaking) true, but it is at least remarkably implausible.

Florida. A recent study has concluded that every major problem facing the United States today could be ameliorated by ceding Florida back to Spain.

North Dakota, South Dakota. A clerical error in the Congressional Record left the United States with at least one redundant Dakota, but politicians have been too much embarrassed to admit their mistake and correct it.

States and Commonwealths. Although most of the divisions of the United States are officially called “states,” four states (Virginia, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, and Kentucky) and Puerto Rico are officially named “Commonwealths.” Rhode Island, the smallest state, is still styled “Empire of Rhode Island and Providence Plantation” in official documents.

Virginia. The Commonwealth of Virginia has never officially renounced its claim to the territories currently occupied by Tennessee, Kentucky, West Virginia, Ohio, western Pennsylvania, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Canada. Although no attempt has been made to enforce the claims since the early 1800s, long-time Virginia-watchers believe that Richmond is simply biding its time.

Wyoming. Since 1994, by an act of the state legislature, Wyoming license plates have been manufactured in the shape of the state of Wyoming; but so far no one has noticed.

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