ADMIRAL HORNSWOGGLE’S NAUTICAL ADVENTURES.

No. 6.—The Death Ship, Part 1.

NOT LONG AFTER the adventure of the Axe of the Apostles, I was called into Admiral Blanderson’s private chambers once again. Such a summons invariably indicated that the Admiral had some special mission for me, or that there were bagels left over from the admirals’ daily staff meeting. Among the captains of the fleet, I was by this time the one whom Admiral Blanderson trusted with the most unusual and difficult enterprises, and I flatter myself that I had at least in some measure earned his trust.

As the matters on which Admiral Blanderson consulted me were usually state secrets, I was somewhat surprised to discover that Admiral Blanderson was not alone when I entered his inner sanctum. A rather scruffy sailor, whose obvious efforts at cleaning himself up to make him suitable company for the Admiral had been less effectual than he imagined, was sitting in front of the Admiral’s desk, occupying the chair that I usually sat in when I had my conferences with the Admiral.

“Good morning, Captain Hornswoggle,” the Admiral greeted me—not with his usual heartiness, however, but with a rather hoarse voice, as of a man whose spirit has been shaken by some terror. “I shall dispense with the ordinary pleasantries, and ask you a simple and direct question. Are you a believer in the supernatural?”

One is never entirely certain how to answer an unexpected personal question from a superior officer. In this case, I decided the truth was the best answer; so I reminded Admiral Blanderson of my encounters with the demon-god Picante and the Ghost Galleon of the Maldives, and declared that I chose to believe the testimony of my own experience.

“A sensible answer,” the Admiral responded. “Would you like a bagel, by the way? Help yourself. I must confess that I have never been much for that supernatural hocus-pocus jiggery-pokery higgledy-piggledy hickory-dickory-dock myself, but this honest fellow, a sailor in our merchant marine, has been telling me a story that would have made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up did I not carefully shave them off every morning.”

“Aye, cap’n,” the honest sailor interjected. “Thar be more things in heav’n an’ arth than wot be dreamt of in yer philosophizin’.”

“Mr. Sludgewater,” the Admiral said to the sailor, “would you be so kind as to repeat the story you have just told me, so that Captain Hornswoggle may hear the details of it?”

“Aye, ’twere a dark an’ stormy night, that it were,” the honest sailor began. He continued in that vein; but to spare you the trouble of deciphering his honest but impenetrable accent, and myself the trouble of transcribing it, I shall continue his story as though he spoke the Queen’s English, or at least the King’s.

“I was sailing on the snow-brig Merry Brindle on the equatorial route. We were hauling a shipload of nutcrackers to the Macadamia Coast, hoping to trade them for a cargo of the soybeans and alfalfa sprouts that grow in abundance along those blessed shores, when a gale blew up from the northwest, threatening to toss our ship on the unpredictable bars that lurk in the waters off the coast in those parts.

Our captain was a wise old veteran who had seen many a storm before. He trimmed and folded the sails in certain patterns known to sailors as ‘kirigami,’ the better to withstand the onslaught of the storm; and he applied all his skill to keeping the ship safely in deep waters, and away from the dangerous shallows.

Lightning flashed all around us, and the thunder was terrible; but you may imagine our greater terror when quite suddenly, out of the driving rain and foggy darkness, there appeared the ghostly outline of an enormous ship, glowing from stem to stern with a bright unearthly light, and headed straight toward us.

Our panic terror gave us something like superhuman strength as we turned the wheel and swung the booms about. We lurched to port just in time; instead of colliding with the ghastly apparition, we passed by the ship so close that we could nearly reach over the starboard rail and grasp its anchor rope. Shadowy figures marched to and fro on the glowing deck, a sight that filled us with a nameless dread. But just as we had passed halfway along the length of the enormous ship, a brilliant flash from the heavens illuminated the scene as bright as day; and in that brief illumination, gentlemen, I saw a sight that will haunt me as long as I live, though I should live as long as the antediluvian patriarchs. For every member of that ghastly crew was not a human being, but an animated skeleton.

I am not a timid man. I have spent my entire adult life on the sea, and have experienced more than my share, perhaps, of perilous adventures. But I bid you dread that death ship more than the entire Iberian navy; for myself, I had rather die cleanly by a Spanish harquebus than wander for eternity as a living skeleton with only the demons for my horrible company.

Needless to say, the story of our encounter with the death ship spread quickly in sailors’ gossip. Since we returned, no one has dared sail the equatorial route, and the people of the Macadamia Coast, poor blighted devils, are starving amidst abundance for lack of good manufactured nutcrackers.”

There was a brief silence; then Admiral Blanderson spoke again.

And now, Captain Hornswoggle,” he said quietly but distinctly, “I imagine you have a rather accurate idea of what your next assignment will be.”

Proceed to the conclusion.

Published in: on June 30, 2008 at 7:59 pm Comments (1)

Advertisement.

Published in: on June 29, 2008 at 9:17 pm Leave a Comment

TONIGHT AT EIGHT.

Dumont Network: Live Special Report (continued). Continuing 24-hour coverage of the Anniversary Week celebrations for Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine.

Golf Network: First Annual H. Albertus Boli Invitational Silly Golf Tournament.

Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: Resolution proclaiming H. Albertus Boli an honorary citizen of Baldwin Borough; censure of the burgess for eating Cheez Chiggerz at last week’s meeting.

Northern Broadcasting System: Live Special Report (continued). Continuing 24-hour coverage of the Anniversary Week celebrations for Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine.

Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: The Journeyman (reality). In this hot new reality show, twelve contestants vie for the position of H. Albertus Boli’s new private secretary. Tonight: Heather mentions the name “Zachary Taylor” and suffers the consequences.

Home Movie Channel: Movie: Young Boli (adventure). In his (comparative) youth, H. Albertus Boli (Harrison Ford) faces challenges aplenty from sea monsters, angry demons, and CGI-animated European bureaucrats as he struggles to complete the building of Portugal before it’s too late.

Metromedia: Live Special Report (continued). Continuing 24-hour coverage of the Anniversary Week celebrations for Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine.

Science Central: A Byte of Boli (documentary). A behind-the-scenes look at the production of Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide-Web, showing the hard drives, memory chips, and CPUs of the three amazing computers involved in its production.Thrilling action sequences of three different Linux desktop environments at work.

The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: Using a numerological and anagrammatic interpretation of his name, along with prophecies from Daniel and Revelation, Rev. Bob-Bob explains why H. Albertus Boli is the Antichrist.

Published in: on June 27, 2008 at 10:02 am Comments (1)

Advertisement.

Published in: on June 26, 2008 at 8:37 am Leave a Comment

DR. BOLI’S LIBRARY OF LOST BOOKS.

In celebration of the first anniversary of DR BOLI’S CELEBRATED MAGAZINE on the World-Wide Web, here is a reprint of the very first entry in Dr. Boli’s popular series on the lost books of antiquity and modern times.

-

No. 1.—Schizophrenides: Dactylomachia

THIS EPIC IN twenty-four books, which described the climactic battle of a war fought by finger-puppets, is one of the few works of classical antiquity known to have been delib­erately misplaced rather than lost in the strict sense.

Little is known of Schizophrenides’ life. The Doric peculiarities of his dialect were de­nounced by contemporary critics as an affectation rather than a genuine relic of his native speech. It is known from surviving Athenian police blotters that he attempted, without invitation, to participate in a number of poetic competitions; in these he would doubtless have been defeated but for the technicality that he was thrown out before he could read his poems. We also have a surprisingly large number of ostraca that bear his name surrounded by a wide range of Greek obscenities, on the basis of which historians believe he was ostracized not very long after he arrived in Athens. Of his subsequent career nothing is known.

Very little of the Dactylomachia survives today. The grammarian Euphues, in his book On the Abuse of the Greek Tongue, quotes a few lines from Schizophrenides that, from their multiple references to knuckles, are assumed to have come from the Dactylo­machia; and a unique graffito in the ruins of Ephesus quotes one line of the poem beside a crude drawing of a poet with an ass’s head. These fragments incline us to agree with the gen­erally harsh judgment of the antique critics.

The Dactylomachia was not unknown to students of literature even centuries after the time of Schizophrenides. A fragment of Petronius describes a literary soiree in which a round of quotations from the Dactylomachia is followed by a trip to the vomitorium.

It was the great Apuleius who held the last known copy of the work. Having spent an evening reading from it to a group of drunken literary acquaintances, he felt so ashamed of himself the next morning that he secreted the manuscript some­where in a villa which he was about to abandon. Since then the work has not been seen, which is just as well.

Published in: on June 25, 2008 at 10:00 am Comments (1)

FIRST ANNIVERSARY.

Today is Dr. Boli’s first anniversary on the World-Wide Web. In honor of this auspicious occasion, he is reprinting the very first story that ever appeared in his CELEBRATED MAGAZINE, one year ago today.

-

The Singular Aspect.

A man walked into Abelard’s office the other day and announced that he had a singular case. Our morning had begun with tea, as usual, but I had hardly poured the first cup when the office door opened and the man with the singular case walked in.

It is well known by now that Magnus Abelard deals only with singular cases, so everyone who walks through the door announces that he has a singular case. Nevertheless, the door is, by Abelard’s explicit command, never locked; and this case really did turn out to be singular. I have taken the trouble, therefore, to record it among Abelard’s most remarkable achievements, in the hope that the record will serve as an imperishable monument to Abelard’s genius.

We began with the usual formalities. I informed our visitor that he would have ten minutes to convince Abelard of the singularity of his case. I also explained the payment schedule in the unlikely event that Abelard did pronounce his case singular. Abelard did not speak during the proceedings; he never does speak until some singular aspect of the case has caught his attention.

“Mine is a singular case,” the visitor began as I took notes. “Indeed, it is so singular that I have not spoken with anyone about it until now. I have lived for ten years in fear for my life—a fear all the worse for being secret. I have not dared reveal it to anyone, and yet it eats at me, day after day, hour after hour, like a kind of parasitic creature that gnaws but cannot consume.”

“You have nine and a half minutes,” I reminded him.

“Ten years ago, my wife, to whom I had been married only a month, announced that she had a few purchases to make, and declared her intention to walk to the drug store on Murray Avenue. She would be gone for about an hour, she said. I bid her farewell; she walked out the door; and that, Mr. Abelard, was the last time I ever saw her.

“I shall not weary you with the details of my inquiries. Over the years, I have found opportunities to interrogate our neighbors and the clerks at the drug store. From their statements, I have discovered that my wife did indeed reach the drug store; that she left and turned right on Murray Avenue; that she was last seen walking on Phillips, the very street on which we lived, in the direction of our house. But she never arrived.”

Here the visitor stopped; and, as Abelard was still silent, I knew the narration had not interested him enough for him to take the case. It was therefore incumbent upon me to disappoint our visitor.

“Disappearances such as the one you describe,” I told him, “while exceedingly regrettable, are not extraordinarily uncommon. Perhaps the city police, or a less specialized private agency, might be able to render you some assistance.”

Our visitor sat back in his chair and sighed. “I have not yet revealed to you,” he said slowly and quietly, “the singular aspect of the case.”

Abelard leaned forward. This statement had at least caught his attention.

The visitor took a deep breath, appeared to think for a moment, and then continued, picking his words with care and deliberation.

“About an hour after my wife left, a woman entered my house by the front door. She entered boldly—as if she owned the place, you might say. Now here is the singular and remarkable thing: in every particular, this woman was the exact image of my missing wife. Even her clothes were the same as the ones my wife had been wearing when she left. She proceeded to make herself quite at home; she treated me as though she were actually my wife.”

Here the visitor leaned forward and lowered his voice about a fifth. “For ten years, Mr. Abelard, that woman has inhabited my house, living in every respect as though she were my wife. For ten long years, I have lived in fear, utterly convinced that this woman in my house is somehow deeply involved in the mystery, and afraid even to sleep at night—afraid I might fall prey to the same sinister forces that took my beloved wife from me. The fear is tearing at my soul, sir, and I have at last resolved that, whatever the cost to myself, I must unravel this mystery.”

A moment of silence followed; then Abelard spoke for the first time.

“And how exactly was it that you knew this woman was not really your wife, returned from her shopping trip?”

The visitor started forward; then he sank slowly back in his chair, staring straight ahead.

“Good lord,” he whispered hoarsely.

Abelard observed him closely.

“Good lord,” the visitor said again, somewhat louder this time. “I never thought of that.”

He sat upright in his chair with a new air of confidence. “Well, sir, you certainly have earned your reputation. I never would have imagined that a mystery of such devilish com­plex­ity could be unraveled in such a short time. I shall certainly be recommending your agency. You may expect a check from me in the morning, although you must be aware that no re­muneration could ever express my profound gratitude. I bid you good day, and once again I thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

Abelard watched him walk out of the office with a jaunty confidence that had been completely foreign to him only minutes before.

For some time after, Abelard was silent, as though lost in thought. At last he turned to address me.

“Perhaps,” he said, “we ought to reconsider the idea of locking the door.”

Published in: on June 24, 2008 at 8:47 am Comments (2)

CLASSIFIED SECTION.

In celebration of the first anniversary of DR. BOLI’S CELEBRATED MAGAZINE on the World-Wide Web, some of Dr. Boli’s advertisers have agreed to allow him to reprint classified advertisements that appeared in the very first week of electrical publication.

VOCATIONAL TRAINING COURSES. Insure your future in one of our fast-growing fields. Learn carriage building, type­writer repair, phonograph service, adding-machine maintenance, kineto­scope operation, telegraphy, steam engineering, periwig grooming, type­setting, phrenology, daguerreotyping. Always be in demand! Modern Vo­cational Institute, Dravosburg.

DAFT OLD LADY seeking same for risky investment scheme. Must be Presbyterian.

ARE YOU SHY? So are we. Chances are you’ll never get up the courage to contact us, and we’re certainly too bashful to get in touch with you. Pathetic, isn’t it? League of Timid Persons, address withheld.

MAKE GOOD MONEY by advertising in the classified section. I started with nothing and now I’ve quit my job. Secrets of my success revealed. Send $100 postal money order for details.

ARE YOU GULLIBLE? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of men and women have the same problem. But millions more have over­come it with Dr. Boli’s Easy Anti-Gullibility Lessons. As a service to humanity, Dr. Boli makes these Lessons available at a nominal charge. The only cost to you is five easy payments of $49.95 each. Sent in a discreet package.

TO THE GENTLEMAN who asked him whether ’twas nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them: Dr. Boli says, Suffer.

Published in: on June 23, 2008 at 8:50 am Leave a Comment

Advertisement.

Published in: on June 21, 2008 at 4:42 pm Leave a Comment

USEFUL ENGLISH PHRASES FOR VISITORS FROM FOREIGN LANDS.

No. 1.—At the Entropist’s Shop.

Good morning.
Good afternoon.
Good evening.

May I help you?

I should like to see your entropy.

Is your entropy fresh today?

Yes, our entropy is always fresh.
We have only frozen entropy today.
We are out of fresh entropy, but we have some in cans.
Our entropy has all fallen apart.

May I smell your entropy?

This entropy smells good.
This entropy smells stale.
My nose is clogged, and I cannot smell a thing.

What varieties of entropy have you?

We have good Dutch entropy,
entropy of Assam,
entropy of Provence,
and entropy of Anhui.
We have only one variety of entropy, because we do not like entropy very much.

In what quantities and at what prices do you sell your entropy?

We sell our entropy by the pound,
by the ounce,
by the kilogram.

Our prices are posted on the sign over the counter.
Our prices are marked on the bins.
Our prices are classified.
Our prices are negotiable.
We give away our entropy for free, because our business is falling apart.

I should like to purchase half a pound of entropy of Assam.

I shall need to see your identification.
I shall need to run a criminal background check.

Do you accept credit cards?
Do you accept gold ingots?

We accept all common forms of payment.
We can accept payment only in beaver pelts.

Would you like a bag for your entropy?

I would if it can be properly sealed.

Will the entropy leak and damage my automobile?

It will not leak, as this bag is properly sealed.
It probably will leak.
We are not responsible for entropic damage to automobiles.

Thank you for your prompt and courteous service.

Thank you, and please come again.
Thank you, and please do not return.

Published in: on June 20, 2008 at 7:30 am Comments (1)

INSTRUCTIONS.

Call for Technical Support.

Published in: on June 19, 2008 at 8:06 am Comments (1)