THE MAN WHO BUILT A RHINOCEROS FROM A KIT.
ONCE THERE WAS a man who decided to build a rhinoceros from a kit.
His sister, who had never liked rhinoceroi, warned him that no good would ever come from it. “You’ll get trampled flat like a tortilla, that’s what will happen,” she said. “You can’t keep a rhinoceros around the house.”
“It’s not a terribly big one,” he answered. “And I like building things.”
“It will stomp you into a jelly,” she assured him. But he kept working, screwing the back legs into assembly no. 5 as shown in fig. 3-b.
Later on one of his friends stopped by to see how he was doing.
“Still building that rhinoceros,” the friend said in a slightly patronizing way.
“Just about halfway done,” the man said, attaching the hindquarters to the spine as shown in fig. 13-h.
“Don’t hold much with rhinocerosesses,” the friend said. “They stomp all over you and expect you to like it.”
“It’s only a medium-sized one,” the man said, and he continued fiddling with his screwdriver and glue gun.
After a little while, a woman came to read the gas meter. “Building a rhinoceros?” she asked, just to make pleasant conversation.
“I’m getting close to finished now,” the man answered, attaching shoulder assembly (3) to abdominal cavity (4) as shown in fig. 21-m.
“I knew a guy who bought a ready-made rhino from K-mart,” the meter-reader said. “That thing stomped him flatter than Cleveland.”
“It’s not the most powerful model,” the man responded, and he snapped the shoulders into place with a satisfying click.
At last the man was ready to screw the horn in place to complete his rhinoceros.
“Don’t do it,” his sister warned him. “It’ll squash you to tapioca.”
“Don’t do it,” said the friend. “You’ll get trampled for sure.”
“Don’t do it,” said the meter-reader, who was still hanging around for some reason. “You’ll be flattened in seconds.”
But the man screwed the horn in anyway, and now he and his rhinoceros are the best of friends, running a small antique shop from a storefront near their home. Which just goes to show you what a lot of meddling busybodies the people around you are, and I wouldn’t listen to them at all if I were you.
AN ASSORTMENT OF “BUMPER STICKERS.”
THE UNEXPECTED POPULAR demand for this specialized form of literature has persuaded Dr. Boli to make available a number of “bumper stickers” provided by his advertisers and correspondents in a downloadable PDF form. Click on the picture above to see the PDF file, which may be enlarged to any arbitrary size with no loss of quality. Print them, stick them on your bumper, and enjoy the envy and admiration of your fellow motorists.
NERGAL-SHAREZER THE RABMAG’S ASTROLOGICAL WEATHER PROGNOSTICATIONS
For the Rest of the Year.
June. The weather will be stormy and unpredictable some days this month. Other days it will be sunny and pleasant. There will be a few cooler days toward the beginning of the month, and a few hotter ones close to the end. On the other hand, there may be hot days toward the beginning, and cool days toward the end cannot be ruled out. Severe thunderstorms are a possibility. The summer solstice will occur sometime between the middle and the end of the month.
July. Summery sunny days will be interrupted by rain occasionally. A nearly 100% chance of fireworks on the fourth day of the month in central North America, the fourteenth day in northwestern Europe.
August. Days will be growing shorter, but there may be more hot weather this month than any other. Rain will continue to be a possibility, but a drought is also not out of the question.
September. The weather may still be hot toward the beginning of the month, but the end may be cooler. On the other hand, because of global warming, the autumnal equinox is likely to be delayed until early October.
October. And I will shew wonders in heaven above, and signes in the earth beneath: blood, and fire, and vapour of smoke. The sunne shall be turned into darknesse, and the moone into blood. No, wait a minute—my mistake. That’s next October. Wrong chart.
November. Days will continue to shorten, and the weather will take a pronounced turn for the colder. Jupiter will be in the house of Hapsburg, indicating a strong possibility of stratocumulus-cloud formation. It’s usually better to sleep through November if you can manage it.
December. As the month goes on, there will be a stronger and stronger possibility of twinkling lights. Giant inflatable red men will appear in front yards everywhere, signaling the approaching end times. The numerous sightings of flying reindeer reported toward the end of the month last year should not be a problem this year, as NORAD has been placed on high alert and will be prepared to deal with any foreign invasions of American airspace.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: How are homoeopathic treatments for malaria prepared?—Sincerely, HRH The Prince of Wales.
Dear Sir: As mosquitoes are the primary cause of malaria, homoeopathic remedies and preventatives for malaria are naturally made from mosquitoes in highly diluted form. One or two mosquitoes suffice to produce an entire year’s supply of homoeopathic treatments for the whole continent of Africa, the remedies being for the most part produced by a number of private laboratories in Lagos. The mosquito is ground in a tiny mortar with an even tinier pestle, and the extract added to a certain quantity of distilled water, a small portion of which is then diluted again in a greater quantity of distilled water, and so on until a 13C or greater dilution is achieved. The dilution is only half the battle, however, as homoeopathic principles also require that the solution be subject to succussion, or shaking up. This is achieved by pouring the solution into a number of hollowed-out balls and allowing the natives to play cricket with them. After everyone has enjoyed a rousing game, the balls are collected and emptied, and the solution sold in compounding pharmacies all over Africa.
Note that this preparation will not in fact either prevent or cure malaria. It does, however, provide priceless entertainment to the natives, many of whom have advanced degrees in science and have never seen anything so silly.
DR. BOLI’S BUILD-IT-YOURSELF KITS.
No. 1.—Build Your Own Analog Computer.
BY FOLLOWING THESE simple steps, you may easily construct Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Prognostication Engine, a special-purpose computer that foretells the future with astonishing accuracy.
1. Download and print the full-size version of the dial and spinning arrow.
2. Paste the printed page on a piece of heavy cardboard; then cut out the dial and the arrow.
3. Push a pin or tack through the center of the arrow.
4. Push the pin or tack, with the arrow on it, into the center of the dial.
To use your Prognostication Engine, simply think of a question (it is not necessary to speak it aloud) and give the arrow a good spin. The correct answer may be read where the arrow stops.
N.B.—If the arrow stops on the line between two answers, you may assume that both answers are correct.
DR. BOLI’S ALLEGORICAL BESTIARY.
No. 13.—The Cat.
THERE IS ONLY one species of cat, but it is given different names according to its size. Thus the largest cats are called “lions”; the smallest “housecats”; and intermediate sizes have various names like “lynx” or “panther.” The size range is similar to the range in sizes of the domestic dog; but in other respects the cat is much less variable, and the housecat is simply a tiger in miniature.
Cats are solitary and proud to the point of haughtiness, but they are capable of combining their efforts when elaborate conspiracies are necessary. In the wild, cats subsist entirely on caviar and cream, which they hunt nocturnally, thus filling an important ecological niche by thinning the vast caviar herds of the steppes. So-called “domestic” cats thrive best on this diet, but they will also accept other forms of food, provided that they are similarly expensive. The apparent “domestication” of cats is actually one of those elaborate conspiracies we mentioned earlier.
Allegorically, the cat represents Liberty, in that cats allow us a certain measure of liberty until their long-term plans come to fruition.
