ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

ON THIS DAY in 1838, Sir Mortimer Throttle first demonstrated his Arithmetical Engine, a mechanical computer so complex that it had taken Sir Mortimer and the village blacksmith more than thirty years to construct. The machine was made mostly of iron, which did not admit of very precise mechanics; it was therefore very large, and occupied a great barn behind the main house at Throttleworth, Sir Mortimer’s ancestral home. The local villagers had long since come to the conclusion that Sir Mortimer was mad—an opinion which he did nothing to discourage, since it tended to keep stray villagers out of his way. Nevertheless, a fair number of them showed up to view the demonstration, which was also attended by most of the Royal Society and a certain number of curiosity-seekers from London.

A local brass band played “When Last the Sukebind Bloom’d Aloft,” and everything was done to make the affair a gay occasion. Everyone waited with gleeful anticipation to see the machine perform its first addition. Sir Mortimer, meanwhile, was poring over the details of what he called his “operating system,” a booklet of instructions for the correct manipulation of the many thousands of parts in the machine. At the appointed moment, Sir Mortimer, with the assistance of the blacksmith, adjusted the switches, lubricated the pinions, and carefully placed the muppocks over the joints; then he set the first of the machine’s enormous dials to the number 2, and the second to the number 2 as well. When everything was set to his satisfaction, and he had placed a small tick mark beside each step in his operating system, Sir Mortimer and the blacksmith, working together and using all their strength, turned the great crank that set the machinery in motion. The hand of the third dial began to move, and it continued to move slowly until it came to rest at the number 5.

This was not quite the result they had hoped for; but every subsequent trial produced the same result. No matter how much oil Sir Mortimer used in the lubrication, or how forcefully he and the blacksmith turned the crank, the Arithmetical Engine remained convinced that 2 + 2 = 5.

After this public humiliation, Sir Mortimer gave up the project in disgust and devoted the rest of his life to breeding irises. Eventually the resourceful blacksmith turned the Arithmetical Engine into a combine harvester, the first machine of its kind and the foundation of a gigantic industry from which he profited enormously.

Nevertheless, although the Arithmetical Engine was itself a failure, the operating system invented by Sir Mortimer Throttle was passed down from one mathematician to another, adapted in digital form, and eventually formed the basis of the Unix operating system still in use on some computers today. Curiously enough, the computation “2 + 2” still yields the answer “5” even in up-to-date Unix systems; but in the current academic climate this is no longer considered a liability.

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ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: Why are there so many different kinds of clouds? Shouldn’t they be rationalized? —Sincerely, J. Bhatia, President, American National Standards Institute.

Dear Sir: Clouds are wilful and capricious beings, of a decidedly libertarian bent, and resist all efforts to regiment them into a more rational order. The best that can be done, therefore, is to learn the various types, so as to be able to distinguish between clouds that intend merely to get you a bit wet and clouds bent on knocking down your house.

Cumulus.—Cumulus clouds are the puffy white clouds one sees in the sky on an otherwise fair day. The most up-to-date meteorological theory suggests that cumulus clouds are the souls of departed lambs and kittens.

Nimbus.—Nimbus, or rain-bearing, clouds are the shadows cast by cumulus clouds on the other side of the earth.

Cumulonimbus.—When, owing to a sudden lurching about of the atmosphere, cumulus clouds come into contact with their shadows, the nimbus clouds, the result is a towering rage. This is a lesson to us all.

Funnel.—Funnel clouds are conduits, somewhat like large garden hoses, through which the wrath of heaven is conveyed to earth.

Cirrus.—Cirrus clouds are not truly clouds at all, but rather an optical illusion caused by staring into the bright sky too long.

Stratus.—These are the featureless grey clouds one sees on a cloudy day. Their primary function is to obscure the heavens so that more destructive species of cloud can sneak up on us.

Tag.—These consist of a large number of printed words, some larger and some smaller. Tag clouds are an increasingly common, though still striking, meteorological phenomenon; their surprising prevalence of late is attributed by some climatologists to global warming. Other scientists, however, suggest that tag clouds may be the chief cause of global warming.

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THE CAT WHO SAID ‘OOP OOP SPICKETY WICKETY HIGGLE WIGGLE SPLOT.’

ONCE THERE WAS a puppy whose mother loved him very much. She taught him how to wag his tail and how to beg the people for food, which are the two best things a dog can know.

One day she decided to teach him about the other animals on the farm.

“You can tell what kind of animal it is by the sound it makes,” she told him.

The puppy tilted his head and lifted his ears. He loved sounds.

“A cow says ‘moo,’” his mother said. “Dogs are friends to cows, because they are very big and do not eat our food.”

“Moo,” the puppy repeated.

“A rooster says ‘cock-a-doodle-doo,’” his mother continued. “Dogs are friends to roosters, because roosters help guard the farm.”

The puppy tilted his head the other way to show he was still listening.

“A sheep says ‘baa,’” said the mother dog. “Sheep are a bit dim, but easy to get along with. Dogs are friends to sheep.”

“Baa,” the puppy repeated.

Now his mother’s face grew dark, and she spoke in grave tones. “A cat says ‘meow,’” she told him. “Dogs hate cats and chase them whenever we can, because cats are evil and manipulative, and they steal our food when we’re not looking. If you see a cat, you chase it.”

When the lesson was over, the puppy trotted off into the fields to play.

On the way, he met a cow.

“What kind of animal are you?” the puppy asked.

“Moo,” said the cow.

“You must be a cow,” the puppy said, “because you say ‘moo.’ My mother told me that dogs are friends to cows.” And he wagged his tail in a friendly way as he passed the cow.

Next he met a rooster. “What kind of animal are you?” the puppy asked.

“Cock-a-doodle-doo,” said the rooster.

“You must be a rooster,” the puppy said, “because you say ‘cock-a-doodle-doo.’ My mother told me that dogs are friends to roosters.” And he wagged his tail in a friendly way as he passed the rooster.

Next he met a sheep.

“What kind of animal are you?” the puppy asked.

“Baa,” said the sheep.

“You must be a sheep,” the puppy said, “because you say ‘baa.’ My mother told me that dogs are friends to sheep.” And he wagged his tail in a friendly way as he passed the sheep.

Next he met a cat.

“What kind of animal are you?” the puppy asked.

“Oop oop spickety wickety higgle wiggle splot,” said the cat.

“I’m sorry,” the puppy said. “I didn’t quite understand that.”

“Picka wacka quicka macka spuckle muckle fleep,” said the cat.

“This is very puzzling,” the puppy said. “You can’t be a cow, because cows say ‘moo.’”

“Ring rang vippity vop,” said the cat.

“And you can’t be a rooster, because roosters say ‘cock-a-doodle-doo,’” the puppy continued.

“Skee-beet zu-rack flack be dack wack vo vack,” said the cat.

“And you can’t be a sheep, because sheep say ‘baa.’”

“Blibber blap cobble snap,” said the cat.

“And you can’t be a cat, because cats say ‘meow.’”

“Bitterby batterby wittil drip,” said the cat.

“I’ll have to tell my mother that I’ve discovered a new kind of animal,” the puppy said. “Won’t she be proud of me!” And he wagged his tail in a friendly way as he passed the cat.

The cat watched the puppy romp off into the field. Then he turned and went back to his own mother, who had been watching from a patch of weeds.

“You see, it’s just as I told you,” said the mother cat. “Dogs are a bit dim, but easy to get along with.”

 

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CORRECTION.

IN THE CONNECT-THE-DOTS feature in the most recent issue of Admiral Hornswoggle’s Pirate Fun Page, one dot was accidentally left out of the numbering. The corrected dot is reprinted below. We apologize for the error.

 

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