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Expect more news on the final installment of The Case of the Missing Case as the countdown continues.
DR. BOLI’S COMPREHENSIVE HERBAL.
No. 8 in a Series of 253,486
ICEBERG LETTUCE (Pseudolactuca).—Lettuce is a member of the composite family Compositae (sometimes incorrectly called Asteraceae), which also includes dandelions, daisies, thistles, and analog video. There are two main types of lettuce: iceberg lettuce and leaf lettuce. Leaf lettuce (Lactuca) is made up, primarily, of leaves, and need not concern us any longer in this article. Iceberg lettuce, on the other hand, is a mutant artificial monstrosity and crime against nature.
Naturalists have not been able to account for the development of the “iceberg” strain, although the botanist John Torrey was once heard saying that there must have been some demonic force at work. Structurally, iceberg lettuce consists of a thin membrane of greenish plastic stretched over a certain quantity of dishwater. Culinarily, its primary use is to take up space, which it does with ruthless efficiency. So-called “salads” made almost entirely of iceberg lettuce are routinely served in restaurants across North America, in clear violation of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, to say nothing of local rules on consumer fraud, but nothing ever seems to be done about it. Iceberg lettuce thus stands as a stark reminder that there is still much to be done for human freedom even in our own back yard.
Iceberg lettuce is governed by the planet Pluto; for, just as Pluto is not really a planet, so iceberg lettuce is not really a lettuce.
CONSTITUTION AND CHARTER
Of the Society for the Promotion of Folly.
WHEREAS it hath pleased God to endow the human species with a boundless capacity for folly; and whereas such a natural endowment may be taken as a sure and certain proof that folly is pleasing to the Almighty, and is itself in a manner of speaking divine:
THEREFORE let it be known to all sincere friends of folly, that a Society for the Promotion of Folly is hereby constituted with the aim and purpose of promoting folly in all its most pleasing forms.
ARTICLE I. Every member shall use all diligence to maintain the distinction between folly and mere foolishness, which is deprecated.
ARTICLE II. The Society shall be governed in the most picturesquely illogical manner; to wit:
Par. 1. On the first Thursday after the second Tuesday in April, all members shall gather to elect the members of the Supreme and Illustrious Senate of the Society in the following manner: Each member shall write his own name, and no other name, on the ballot provided; and, the ballots being collected and tallied by means of the Society’s own gilt abacus, every member receiving one vote shall be considered a Senator, with all the rights and privileges of that position.
Par. 2. The Supreme and Illustrious Senate shall meet occasionally, as they shall see fit, to address the business of the Society, and shall see to it that the said business shall always be postponed until the next meeting of the Supreme and Illustrious Senate.
Par. 3. On the second Monday after the first Friday in July, the Supreme and Illustrious Senate shall meet to elect the Grand Exalted Imperator of the Society.
Par. 4. Pursuant to the principle in Par. 2, the election of the Grand Exalted Imperator shall be postponed until the next meeting of the Supreme and Illustrious Senate.
Par. 5. As no Grand Exalted Imperator can ever be elected, Dr. Henricus Albertus Boli is ordained as Grand Exalted Imperator for life.
Par. 6. It shall be the duty of the Grand Exalted Imperator to see that the meetings of the Supreme and Illustrious Senate are provided with the best claret obtainable with the funds belonging to the society; or, in times of fiscal distress, the funds belonging to the Grand Exalted Imperator.
ARTICLE III. Membership in the Society shall entitle each member to all the privileges belonging thereto, to wit:
Par. 1. Every member of the Society, upon his initiation into the Supreme and Illustrious Senate, shall be eligible to receive one fresh dandelion flower for his buttonhole.
Par. 2. No authority shall attempt to deprive a member of his right to shout “Ljubljana!” at odd intervals.
Par. 3. Literary endeavors by members of the Society shall be encouraged with all reasonable vigor, provided that such endeavors shall not produce such literature as would be recognized as such by a commercial publisher.
Par. 4. Once every month, the Society shall provide each member with one large custard pie with whipped cream, along with a schedule of public appearances of prominent politicians and celebrities, to be used as the member shall see fit.
ARTICLE IV. In the event that any of the provisions of this Constitution and Charter shall be found inadequate, the matter shall be brought up as Society business at the next regular meeting of the Supreme and Illustrious Senate, in accordance with the provisions of Article II, Par. 2.
THE SHOES THAT WENT FOR A WALK.
A Cautionary Tale for Young Readers.
BOBBY WAS PROUD to say he had a pair of good walking shoes.
But sometimes they were a little too good at walking. They would walk around the house all day, and Bobby had a hard time finding them when he needed them. They would walk around the house all night, going clomp, thump, whump and keeping Bobby and his mother and father awake.
“Maybe we should get you a new pair of shoes,” his mother would always say after a hard night of clomping, thumping, and whumping.
“But they are very good walking shoes,” Bobby would always reply, and they always left it at that.
One day when Bobby was at school, his feet started to itch. So he did the thing he should never have done: he took off his shoes to scratch the itch.
This was the chance the shoes had been waiting for. With a laugh, a jaunty tappa-tap, and a Bronx cheer, the shoes ran out of the room.
“Bobby has hammer-toes!” shouted little Mary, pointing at Bobby’s bare feet.
(Mary didn’t know what hammer-toes were, but she thought they sounded silly.)
In the mean time, the shoes had dashed out the front door and were merrily jogging up the road.
When they came to the old Simmons farm, they cut across the field. What fun to trot and scamper between the cornstalks! Soon the shoes were covered with mud, but they were having too much fun to care.
But all of a sudden a big orange cat leaped out from behind the corn. The cat pounced on the left shoe. It jumped and leaped and squiggled and squirmed and finally got away. But then the cat pounced on the right shoe. The right shoe was having a simply awful time until the left shoe hopped up from behind and kicked the cat. That startled the cat, and the shoes ran as fast as they could—right into a dog.
The dog looked down at them, and the shoes looked up at the dog. It was a very big dog, and the shoes were quaking in their boots, so to speak.
All at once the dog’s mouth came down and closed on the shoes. The dog lifted them up and ran—but where was he taking them? He ran through the fields and up to the farmhouse, where old Farmer Simmons was sitting on the porch whittling a ham radio.
“Good boy, Bismarck,” said Farmer Simmons to the dog. The dog dropped the shoes at his feet.
“But wait,” Farmer Simmons said. “These aren’t my shoes, you silly dog! They look like little Bobby’s from down the road.”
Now the shoes saw their chance. They ran down the porch steps and back across the field. Bismarck the dog chased after them, but they ran so fast that he lost them in the corn. When they got to the road, they ran even faster, and they kept running until they came right back to the school.
All the children stood up to watch as the shoes, covered with dirt and more than a little beaten up, walked back toward Bobby’s desk.
“Where have you two been?” Bobby asked them sternly.
But they said nothing, because the cat had got their tongues.
“Maybe you should get a new pair of shoes, Bobby,” said little Mary.
“But they are very good walking shoes,” Bobby said, and all the children had to agree that they were.
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