ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Why does the sun always rise in the east? —Sincerely, A Disappointed Westerner.
Dear Sir or Madam: The sun rises in the “east” by convention only. There is really no such direction as “east,” as you may discover by searching any globe for the East Pole. The sun may rise wherever it likes, since it is bigger than we are and is listed among the nuclear powers. Wherever it chooses to rise, that is the direction we conventionally call “east,” but there is nothing in nature that corresponds to “east” per se.
Dear Dr. Boli: When the astronauts go to the moon, do they pass the stars? —Sincerely, A Gentleman of Mars (Penna.).
Dear Sir: Given the current state of scientific education, it is not surprising that many intelligent persons such as yourself are ignorant of even the most elementary facts of astronomy. The moon is the nearest of the celestial bodies. The stars, on the other hand, are embedded in the firmament, which is beyond the sphere of Saturn. Beyond the firmament are the spiritual realms, until we finally reach the dwelling of God and all the elect. Therefore, the astronauts do not pass the stars until the moment of death. The accompanying diagram will make these relationships clear. The study of astronomy is a useful and interesting one, and Dr. Boli is of the opinion that no other science so generously rewards the student who will give it the attention it deserves.
THE BEAUTY AND THE SWANS.
From Dr. Boli’s Fables for Children Who Are Too Old to Believe in Fables.
A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG woman was taking a walk in the garden. She had just had a letter from her most ardent admirer, so she was more than usually conscious of her own beauty. It was very pleasant to stroll among the flowers, enjoying the soft breeze and turning over in her mind the many praises and endearments she had just read.
In a while she came down the steps to the pond, and there at the edge two graceful white swans floated, hardly rippling the water as they moved. She admired the beauty of the swans, but even more she admired her own beauty reflected in the still water.
“Indeed it is true,” she said to herself: “the comparison Montague made was a just one.” (Montague was the name of her most ardent admirer.) “For see, my complexion, how perfectly white it is! How like the plumage of the swan, the whitest of all birds! And the delicate grace of my carriage, how like the grace of these noble creatures!”
The swans looked back at her, almost as if they could understand what she was saying, and would add their praises to her own if they were but gifted with speech.
“And my neck,” she continued, touching her neck with her fingertips—“my neck, how slender like the swan’s, and how gracefully formed! Oh, Montague, what an artist you are, and what an accurate observer of nature!”
Still the swans gazed back at her; but the young woman had tired of this recreation and walked on toward the summer-house.
As she walked off, the male swan turned to the female.
“Did you ever see such a clumsy biped in your life?” he asked her.
“Indeed!” she agreed. “And that horrible mottled pink skin! It looks as though she’s been attacked by a fungus.”
“I’ll tell you one thing,” the male concluded. “If I had a stumpy fat neck like that, I’d cut my own throat.”
MORAL: Comparisons are odious, at least to one side of the equation.
AN INVITATION.
ARE YOU TIRED of being left out when all your friends are exercising unlimited power and invisibly guiding the course of world events? Dr. Boli invites you to join the Quadrilateral Commission, a secret organization (we prefer the term “cabal”) known only to readers of this magazine. Our single goal is to arrange all elections, wars, treaties, trade agreements, agricultural regulations, network television schedules, parking fines, tax exemptions, football scores, milk prices, and global climate changes to redound to our own advantage. To join the conspiracy, it is necessary only to nod affirmatively, as we control the World-Wide Web and have the ability to monitor you through your computer screen. Join now and receive, as a free bonus, the election of the prothonotary of your choice anywhere in the world.
