Advertisement.

THE PINE-CLEANER’S SONG.

IN THE DAYS before pine cleaners in liquid form became commonly available in every grocery store, the old pine-cleaner was a familiar sight in city neighborhoods, strolling up the street and singing his pine-cleaner’s song:

Any dirty old pines to be cleaned,
And restored to original luster?
Whether one pine, or two, or a cluster,
Any dirty old pines to be cleaned?

Of my art all the secrets I’ve gleaned,
And my work, I am sure, will pass muster.
Here I come with my chamois and duster:
Any dirty old pines to be cleaned?

Advertisement.

DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

United States Presidents Supplement.

Adams, John Quincy. John Adams gained the nickname “Quincy” as a result of a fraternity prank, the details of which were never divulged.

Buchanan, James. It is not generally known that James Buchanan was in fact a tool of Satan.

Coolidge, Calvin. The complete collection of Calvin Coolidge’s speeches, addresses, and extemporaneous remarks during his two terms as president was printed in 1929 as a four-page pamphlet.

Fillmore, Millard. Milllard Fillmore was only four feet eight inches tall, but he appears taller in paintings and engravings because he refused to appoint anyone over five feet tall to his cabinet.

Pierce, Franklin. When it was revealed that Franklin Pierce was known at home by the nickname “Young Hickory,” the Native American and Anti-Hardwood Party withdrew its endorsement of him.

Tyler, John. John Tyler was annexed by the Republic of Texas in 1845.

Washington, George. George Washington is an entirely mythical figure. The best scholarship indicates that the first truly historical President of the United States was James Monroe.

Advertisement.

From DR. BOLI’S ALPHABET OF OCCUPATIONS.

Y for the Yes-man, who longs to say “no”;
Alas and alack, in his job it’s prohibited.
Original thought
Is not what he’s here for,
So let’s give a cheer for
The Yes-man who really would like to say “no,” but does not.

The job is a hard one, as Yes-men all know:
His private opinions may not be exhibited.
His job is to say
What his bosses will pay for,
So let’s say hooray for
The Yes-man who’d rather say “no,” but says “yes” anyway.

Advertisement.

From DR. BOLI’S ALPHABET OF OCCUPATIONS.

X for the Xylotomist, whose specialized profession
Is cutting bits of wood to fit into a microscope.
It’s more than just a job, she worries—now it’s an obsession.
She thinks she has become, she tells us, holding back her tears,
A xylotomic addict—maybe even worse, she fears—
And now, she says, to go cold turkey is her only hope.
But then who’ll cut our bits of wood to fit our microscope?

Advertisement.

From DR. BOLI’S ALPHABET OF OCCUPATIONS.

In Honor of the Letter W,
A Hymn to the Worker.

The Worker! How we love to sing his praises!
The Worker! How we hate to give him raises!
We praise him as the fount of every virtue,
And also ’cause his union pals can hurt you.

The Worker! He’s the hero of our story!
The Worker! His the fame and his the glory!
We gladly pay him tribute every Mayday,
As long as we don’t have to every payday.

It’s really best, although it may seem funny,
That he should work, and we should get the money:
For ’tis a truth that cannot be ignored
That Virtue ought to be its own reward.