FROM DR. BOLI’S ALPHABET OF OCCUPATIONS.

            U is for the Undertaker, grave and solemn.
(But you should have seen her at Laurel Ridge, skiing the slalom.)
            Nothing can disturb her dignified expression.
(On Saturday night, though, she tosses aside self-possession.)
            Always she refrains from merriment too hearty.
(But you should have heard how she giggled last night at the party.)
            She prepares the dead for their eternal slumber.
(She’s lots of fun after hours, though. Here, I’ll give you her number.)

 

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From DR. BOLI’S ALPHABET OF OCCUPATIONS.

T is for the Tennis Star.
No matter what you do or are,
Your job is more enjoyable by far
Than being just a plain old tennis star.
His work is dull monotony in the extreme;
His duties no more complicated than they seem:
He whacks the ball hard as he can across the court, and then,
As soon as it comes back to him, he whacks the ball again.
And yet his job is necessary, though it seems there’s nothing to it:
For if he didn’t hit the ball, some other fool would have to do it.

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DR.BOLI’S COMPREHENSIVE HERBAL.

No. 6 in a Series of 253,486.

SAGE (Salvia).—Sage is so called from its wisdom, for it is the wisest of all herbs. It is true, of course, that this is a relative measurement, and that the standard of wisdom among herbs is not very high. Nevertheless, the reputation for wisdom that sage enjoys is not entirely without merit. Most species of sage may be trusted to render a competent opinion on straightforward questions of constitutional law or investment planning. In a 1982 experiment in Richmond, Virginia, the entire House of Delegates was replaced with an equal number of potted Salvia officinalis plants without any discernible difference in the tenor and quality of the legislation; indeed, it was not until a cable television channel in Roanoke began carrying live coverage of the debates that there was any objection at all to the replacement.

The risible superstition that consuming the leaves of sage will increase the wisdom of the consumer is now thoroughly exploded.

In the home garden, sage prefers well-drained soil, plenty of moisture, and frequent readings from such popular middlebrow authors as Tom Wolfe and J. D. Salinger. For this purpose the gardener may find it convenient to keep a small bookshelf in the conservatory or tool shed. A few volumes will suffice, as sage has little long-term memory and will gladly hear the same book over and over again with no sign of diminished enjoyment.

Sage is governed by a prefect who reports directly to the mint family.

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FORTHCOMING WORKS BY DR. BOLI.

Practical Advice for Young Women. In this remarkably frank volume, Dr. Boli fearlessly and candidly addresses the subjects of most pressing concern to the young woman of today. The diabolical snares and temptations of modern life beset a girl at every turn, and it is vitally necessary that some forthright treatment of these dangers be placed into the hands of every young lady as she embarks upon the great adventure of womanhood. Only Dr. Boli dares to lay bare, in the plainest language, the perils of the slippery slope that leads from Kantian metaphysics, to Hegelian phenomenology, to Marxist dialectical materialism, to the deconstructionism of Derrida, to utter perdition and a fate worse than death. An ideal graduation present for every young woman on her way to college. Quarto, 274 pp.

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DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

Supplement No. 5.

Blue Jays. Blue Jays are among the most intelligent of all common North American birds, but ornithologists describe them as ethically challenged.

J. When the letter J was first introduced in Geneva, several printers died in the ensuing three days of riots.

Light Bulb. Edison toiled for years to invent a working light bulb, but he made no progress at all until he invented the socket.

Mah Jong. The Chinese game of Mah Jong, properly played, is an accurate historical reenactment of the battle of Nanking in 1342.

Martial Arts. The so-called “martial” arts for which Japan is famous were originally developed as gardening techniques in the traditional horticultural academies of Osaka.

Washington, D.C. When the British invaded Washington in 1814, they marched up J Street, burning and destroying everything in their path so thoroughly that the street has never been rebuilt.

 

On This Day in History.

ON THIS DAY in 1632, the word “idler” was first used in a pejorative sense.