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Dear Dr. Boli: Why is the Salvation Army camped out in my back yard? —Sincerely, A Puzzled Suburbanite.
Dear Sir or Madam: These are routine exercises and there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Please think no more about it.
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NERGAL-SHAREZER THE RABMAG’S ASTROLOGICAL PROGNOSTICATIONS.
Scorpio. In the supermarket today you will find yourself buying a large quantity of chips of various sorts. Having loaded the bags into your car, you will drive to Broadway and Hampshire, where it will immediately be obvious to you which building you need to enter.
Sagittarius. Today would be a very good day to stock up on sour cream, onion-soup mix, and a number of other materials that could, at a moment’s notice, be made into dip. It would also be a good day to take those materials in a bag on the Route 42C or 42S streetcar and get off at the Hampshire station.
Capricorn. Paper plates figure prominently in your plans for today. They can be purchased very economically in the Strip, whence it is but a few minutes’ drive to the corner of Broadway and Hampshire. Look for the balloons.
Aquarius. What the world needs more of is disposable cups. The part of the world that needs them most desperately may be found at the corner of Broadway and Hampshire.
Pisces. Some drips and spills are in your future, but you will be prepared if you have purchased a few packages of paper napkins and transported them to the corner of Broadway and Hampshire.
Aries. Life’s a party! Your life needs more novelty noisemakers. They will be especially appreciated when you find yourself at the corner of Broadway and Hampshire.
Taurus. As you ride the streetcar along Broadway, you will be seized with a sudden desire to alight at the Hampshire safety island, and you will be very glad that you bought those extra-large packs of plastic tableware.
Gemini. The number of uses to which disposable tablecloths can be put is simply amazing. At the corner of Hampshire and Broadway, you will find yourself very grateful that you stocked up on them.
Cancer. You are seized by an inexplicable desire to pile a number of folding chairs into the back of your truck and drive to the corner of Broadway and Hampshire.
Leo. A tall, dark stranger with a mysterious past has already bought a number of disposable cups. There is a very good chance of meeting him at the corner of Broadway and Hampshire. If you brought along a selection of soft drinks, he would probably be very receptive to the idea of making your acquaintance.
Virgo. Cake! The stars say that a large sheet cake is in your future, to be delivered to the corner of Hampshire and Broadway. No coconut.
Libra. So what if the weather is a bit nippy? A little bit of ice cream is good for the soul. It is a positive boon to the soul if it is brought to the corner of Hampshire and Broadway.
Fun Astrological Fact:
DID YOU KNOW that today is Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag’s birthday?
FORTHCOMING WORKS BY DR. BOLI.
Dr. Boli’s Practical Manual of Lithiculture. For everyone who keeps a rock garden, or who has ever dreamed of keeping a rock garden, this book is a positively indispensable tool. Beginning (in his usual fashion) with fundamental principles, Dr. Boli introduces his readers to the elements of geology according to the Huttonian theory. Upon that foundation he builds a thorough discussion of the different types of native stone and soil found in different parts of the country, and from there proceeds to a catalogue of the most commonly cultivated rocks. Succeeding chapters cover in detail the selection of particular rocks for particular soils, planting and care of various rock species, propagation of rocks from gravel, and various schemes (with plans and diagrams) for naturalizing rocks in large plots. Illustrated with numerous copper engravings (hand-colored in the Deluxe Edition). 8vo, 238 pp.
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DOCTRINES OF THE ANCIENT PHILOSOPHERS.
No. 2.—Imbecilis of Gaul.
IMBECILIS WAS BORN on a farm near the small provincial city of Conundrum in southwestern Gaul, and it was his agricultural background that gave his philosophy its distinctive character. He founded a school in his native city, and he confidently predicted that Conundrum would soon rival Alexandria and Athens as a center of learning. Although his prediction proved unjustifiably optimistic, Imbecilis did attract a few ambitious students from the surrounding suburbs, and one of them (by the name of Aviatrix of Conundrum) has left us an Epitome of the Teachings of the Illustrious Imbecilis, to which is prefixed a life of the philosopher.
Imbecilis accepted the four elements of traditional Greek philosophy, but added a fifth, which he said was the generative principle that gave the universe growth and motion. This fifth element he termed “manure.” Three of these elements—earth, water, and manure—he called “primary,” and the other two “secondary.” The primary elements generated the secondary elements in this way: earth and water combined to form what Imbecilis called “mud,” and by means of manure the mud gave birth to life. From the respiration of life came the element of air, and from the combination of the four elements came the life of the gods. The respiration of the gods was fire, thus completing the five elements.
The philosophy of Imbecilis was thus remarkable for making the life of the gods depend on mortal life, rather than the other way around; and ultimately, as Imbecilis emphasized to his students, even the life of the gods was nothing more than manure and mud.
Imbecilis also entertained some cosmological opinions that were similarly unorthodox. The commonly held belief that the earth was a sphere he denied with the utmost vigor. Instead, he taught that the earth was a mass of irregular shape and texture, resembling the manure as it proceeds fresh from the cow. The mountainous landscape of the countryside around Conundrum was his favorite proof of this assertion: for who, he demanded with a confident sneer, could gaze upon such irregularity and still claim that the earth was a regular solid?
The ethical doctrines of Imbecilis proceeded from his physical doctrines. As the gods proceeded from manure and mud, it was not necessary to worship them, except that it was good and proper to burn manure on their altars every once in a while, as an offering to acknowledge the part manure plays in their lives. For the same reason it was proper to burn manure in front of the doors of prominent men, but one should take care to do it anonymously and run from the scene before being recognized, lest one be praised for one’s piety and become puffed up with pride.
After teaching for several years, Imbecilis died in an agricultural accident too distasteful to narrate here. Aviatrix ran the school for a while as his successor, but he did not have the easy charm of his master: the students drifted away, and the school was condemned by the health department and torn down to make way for a public convenience.
TONIGHT AT EIGHT.
N.B.—The continuing writers’ strike is forcing most of the major television studios to make unusual adaptations, and viewers are warned to expect correspondingly unusual programming.
Dumont Network: Ham ’n’ Eggs (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Hamlet and Horatio, one of whom just happens to be Prince of Denmark. Tonight: A completely improvised episode ends with all the main characters dead on the floor.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: With his writers picketing the studio, Rev. Bob-Bob prays God to smite all pinkos everywhere.
Northern Broadcasting System: Stones of the City (crime drama). This latest entry in the vampire-building-inspector genre follows the adventures of Sam Ionescu, inspector for the city of Washington (Penna.). Tonight: Testing various commercially available house paints, Sam applies each to a section of drywall and observes how long it takes the moisture to evaporate.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: When a rusty stirrup gives Alexander lockjaw, everyone else refuses to speak for fear of offending him.
Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: “How Grass Grows,” part 1.
Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: With no script available for their debate, the council members vote to order pizza.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot new reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Morgan joins her fellow writers on the picket line to demand the theoretical right to royalties she will never actually earn.
Cooking Channel: Irony Chef (food). Famous chefs from around the world compete to see who can cook the most sarcastic meal.
Science Central: Science Now (documentary). Presenter David McSlick tests the effects of gravity on various objects likely to be found in a television studio.
