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ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: What are scones, and should I trust them? —Sincerely, A Suspicious Consumer.

Dear Sir or Madam: A scone is merely a kind of triangular muffin that has been left out to ripen in the sun for several days. Scones are entirely harmless, so you may set your mind at ease. Whether you trust them completely depends, of course, on what sort of performance you expect from them. Scones are moody and mercurial, and it is probably best not to employ them as night watchmen or babysitters or in other positions where a constant attention to duty is essential. On the other hand, scones are the most honest of all baked goods, so you need not worry about leaving them near money or valuables—unlike biscotti, against whose larcenous tendencies every precaution must be taken.

Do you have a question for Dr. Boli? Leave your question as a comment on this article, and Dr. Boli will answer it as soon as his secretary’s gout permits.

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From DR. BOLI’S ALPHABET OF OCCUPATIONS.

J for the Journalist, chasing a story,
Following up every hint, lead, and clue:
Not for the fame—no, and not for the glory,
But only because it’s the right thing to do.
No, she won’t quit working until the sun rises:
She’s making our planet a much better place.
Of course, if she happens to win a few prizes,
She’ll modestly smile and accept with good grace.

 

From Dr. Boli’s Encyclopedia of Misinformation.

Mountains. The Appalachians are the tallest mountains on earth, but most of their height is buried under the ground.

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OLD FLASHLIGHTS FLUSHED, lubricated, balanced, rotated, realigned, & made good as new. Surprisingly affordable service. Financing available. Preeminent Electric Torch Renewal Corporation, Seldom Seen.

DR. BOLI’S ALLEGORICAL BESTIARY.

 

No.9.—The Behemoth.

A BEHEMOTH IS a kind of freshwater leviathan found in deep, slow-moving pools of the Nile and Euphrates rivers. In ancient times it was also found in the Orontes; but it was extensively hunted for royal sport, and the Syrian behemoth was extinct by the time of Antiochus Epimanes. Behemoths are almost entirely vegetarian, except for the occasional river barge, and like their saltwater cousins breed in late winter. The female then raises her young among the rushes that line the river, hiding them until they are old enough to feed on their own. Hiding a behemoth in the rushes is no mean feat, and in truth the mother behemoth does a sloppy job of it. But would you molest a mother behemoth defending her young? Dr. Boli didn’t think so. When the young behemoths are sufficiently mature, they migrate to another section of the river, and the whole thing begins again. The male behemoth, meanwhile, has been looking for work and hanging around in bars, and eventually ends up in jail on charges of public intoxication. This is what comes of abandoning one’s family for a life of reckless irresponsibility. The prisons of Cairo are filled with male behemoths serving time for petty offenses. The young male behemoths thus grow up without a positive male role model, and so the cycle perpetuates itself. In this way the delicate ecological balance of the river is maintained.

In traditional allegory, the behemoth is appropriate for the fortieth wedding anniversary; in the modern system, for the fifteenth.

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FORTHCOMING WORKS BY DR. BOLI.

Dr. Boli’s Lives of the Eminent Biographers, 2nd Edition. In this revised edition of what has already become the standard work on the subject, Dr. Boli has rectified what some readers considered an unfortunate omission in the first edition by adding a chapter on himself. Quarto, 638 pp.

How to Do Anything Worth Doing. A complete household reference in which Dr. Boli explains how to bake potatoes, polish brass, organize your closet, create striking kirigami, make potholders, discover new continents, engrave the likenesses of saints on plastic laminate, turn lead into gold, compute your income tax without a calculator, run a mile in four minutes or less, build a simple hovercraft, navigate the Northwest Passage, arrange flowers for weddings & funerals, talk like a pirate, insulate a three-bedroom house, grow mushrooms in your basement, paint in a Victorian academic style, make Roquefort cheese from things you probably have lying around the house, record sound, take out the trash, weave rugs in the Tabriz style, walk like a duck, find the square root of 4, eat with chopsticks, climb the Cathedral of Learning, brush out a keeshond, carve wooden replicas of famous prothonotaries, and swim to Greece. 8vo, 352 pp.

 

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NOW IN PRESS: Reuben’s Brother’s Sister-in-Law’s Husband: A Novel of the Great Dismal Swamp, by Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle. “Among the current writers of popular novels is Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle” —Commercial Gazette. In this much-anticipated sequel to Spanish Moss, Vanderblock-Wheedle once again returns to the many-layered social world of the Great Dismal Swamp, where men are men and women are not.  Like Vanderblock-Wheedle’s other novels (Daisy: A Tale of the Back Yards of Newport News; Robert Clompsworth of the Piedmont; &c.), this is a story filled with narration and dialogue. “Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle is perhaps the best speller among all modern weavers of tales” —Dispatch.

From DR. BOLI’S ALPHABET OF OCCUPATIONS.

I for the Insurance Salesman—mark him well,
Avoid his spell,
Beware of what he has to sell.

He talks to you for hours. He wants to be your friend.
When will it end?
When you have no more cash to spend.

“I have a lovely policy just right for you.
And all you do
Is sign right here, and then we’re through.

“Now, don’t suppose you have to sign it right away.
I’ll wait all day.
Just don’t think you can get away.

“I’ll sit around and wait till Tuesday if I must.
To earn your trust,
I’ll even cook and sweep and dust.

“And when the winter comes, and snow lies on the ground,
I’ll be around.
Right here is where I’ll still be found.

“As you grow older, getting grayer year by year,
I’ll still be here.
I hope I’ve made that crystal-clear.

“Of course, if you would like to see me go, I vow
I’ll show you how:
Just sign the stupid thing right now.”