MEN! DO YOU suffer from exaggerated self-image or delusions of godhood? Dr. Boli is waiting to put you in your place. Six sessions is all it takes to cut you down to size.
DR. BOLI’S LIBRARY OF LOST BOOKS, No. 2.
Malodore of Antioch: The Fruits of Wisdom
NOTHING HAS SURVIVED of The Fruits of Wisdom except a single reference to the work in Irenaeus: “As for Malodore the Antiochian, his ‘Fruits of Wisdom’ have rotted on the ground.” Nevertheless, on the basis of certain references in other Gnostic writers, Malodore’s work is believed to have had some influence on the growing Gnostic movement of the second century a.d. Thus Valentinus Arbiter says, “For it is not by bread alone that man lives, as Malodore says, but also by cheese”; and Circumflex Magnus remarks in his third book of Apophthegmatic Discourses that “Justin found gnosis in the schools, but Malodore at the grocer’s.” Some fifteen or so references to Malodore, some of which may in fact quote from The Fruits of Wisdom, are known from various Gnostic writers, and it is notable that every one of them has something to do with food in one form or another. It would be tempting to deduce from that observation something about the tenor of Malodore’s philosophy, but it would not be worth the trouble.
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A DIALOGUE.
What have you been doing, Melinda, my darling,
What have you been doing with all your free time?
You live so carefree, like a sparrow or starling,
As though living life didn’t cost you a dime.
Oh, I’ve gathered snow from the cold, lofty Andes,
Compressed it and sold it as peppermint candies;
Trained bears in the basement and hawks in the attic;
Gone hunting for elk with a Colt automatic;
Been over to England to write for the Mirror;
And dug deep for diamonds (for nothing is dearer)—
And all that I’ve done just to keep you from ruin,
And still you demand of me what I’ve been doin’!
Where have you been hiding, Melinda, my dearest,
Where have you been hiding when work’s to be done?
Whatever the task is, from greatest to merest,
I never can find you—you’re off having fun!
I’ve been to Miami to harvest the mangoes,
Then over to Spain to teach peasants fandangos;
I’ve painted the Statue of Liberty yellow;
I’ve given stock tips to that Donald Trump fellow;
I’ve dug a canal straight on through Nicaragua
(With detours to bypass suburban Managua);
From Paris to Peiping to Perth I’ve been riding,
And still you demand of me where I’ve been hiding!
Notice.
The North American Nonprofits Coordinating Council would like to announce that the following colors of vehicular ribbons are still available for association with charitable causes:
Ochre
Puce
Barley
Mango
Tanzanite*
Ecru
Harvest Gold
Burnt Sienna
Mushroom
Avocado*The application formerly pending for this color has been rejected on the grounds that the Kappa Tau Lambda keg party is not a charitable cause.
Our readers are reminded that, before affixing any ribbon to their vehicles, they should make certain that the color of the ribbon has been properly registered with the North American Nonprofits Coordinating Council.
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ARE YOU GULLIBLE? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of men and women have the same problem. But millions more have overcome it with Dr. Boli’s Easy Anti-Gullibility Lessons. As a service to humanity, Dr. Boli makes these Lessons available at a nominal charge. The only cost to you is five easy payments of $49.95 each. Sent in a discreet package.
DR. BOLI’S LIBRARY OF LOST BOOKS, No. 1.
Schizophrenides: Dactylomachia
THIS EPIC IN twenty-four books, which described the climactic battle of a war fought by finger-puppets, is one of the few works of classical antiquity known to have been deliberately misplaced rather than lost in the strict sense.
Little is known of Schizophrenides’ life. The Doric peculiarities of his dialect were denounced by contemporary critics as an affectation rather than a genuine relic of his native speech. It is known from surviving Athenian police blotters that he attempted, without invitation, to participate in a number of poetic competitions; in these he would doubtless have been defeated but for the technicality that he was thrown out before he could read his poems. We also have a surprisingly large number of ostraca that bear his name surrounded by a wide range of Greek obscenities, on the basis of which historians believe he was ostracized not very long after he arrived in Athens. Of his subsequent career nothing is known.
Very little of the Dactylomachia survives today. The grammarian Euphues, in his book On the Abuse of the Greek Tongue, quotes a few lines from Schizophrenides that, from their multiple references to knuckles, are assumed to have come from the Dactylomachia; and a unique graffito in the ruins of Ephesus quotes one line of the poem beside a crude drawing of a poet with an ass’s head. These fragments incline us to agree with the generally harsh judgment of the antique critics.
The Dactylomachia was not unknown to students of literature even centuries after the time of Schizophrenides. A fragment of Petronius describes a literary soiree in which a round of quotations from the Dactylomachia is followed by a trip to the vomitorium.
It was the great Apuleius who held the last known copy of the work. Having spent an evening reading from it to a group of drunken literary acquaintances, he felt so ashamed of himself the next morning that he secreted the manuscript somewhere in a villa which he was about to abandon. Since then the work has not been seen, which is just as well.
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TO THE GENTLEMAN who asked him whether ’twas nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them: Dr. Boli says, Suffer.
FORTHCOMING WORKS BY DR. BOLI.
Dr. Boli’s Demonology, in the Form of a Dialogue. The need of an up-to-date introduction to this neglected science has long been felt. Dr. Boli’s vast knowledge of the subject is acknowledged by well-informed demons in all the civilized countries of the globe; and by casting the work in the form of a dialogue, he has made the acquisition of a good working knowledge of the demonic world not only painless but pleasant. 8vo, 385 pp.
Dr. Boli’s Encyclopedia of Misinformation. Third edition, revised and enlarged, with many new & inaccurate engravings. As the standard work on the subject, this book has already found its way into every respectable library; but so many of the copies in circulation are nearly worn out with use that the publication of this new edition must be universally welcomed. It remains only to say that the third edition, in addition to the new material it offers, has also been thoroughly revised throughout, and many true statements inadvertently included in the previous editions have now been expunged. Folio, 1759 pp.
