TONIGHT AT EIGHT.

Dumont Network: Midas Welby, D.O. (medical drama). When a prominent politician comes down with an embarrassing disease, Dr. Welby must decide whether it is ethical to divulge his patient’s medical information to a reporter, and whether the answer changes if the reporter is a gorgeous blonde.

The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: Rev. Bob-Bob shows you how to fight back against the War on Christmas with nothing more than prayer and a few readily available grenade launchers.

Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky new comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: “Christmas in Quirkville.” Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin learns the true meaning of the season, but he refuses to share it with anybody else.

Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: Alexander almost spoils Hephaestion’s wacky Winter Solstice surprise by ordering his head chopped off the day before Solstice.

Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: How to keep your caddy busy during the winter months.

Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: Motion to award commemorative coffee mugs to outgoing council members.

Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). A very special Christmas episode finds all ten contestants working overtime without pay on Christmas Eve.

The Lawnmower Channel: The Snow Show (yardwork). Tonight: How to harness natural processes of convection to remove all the snow from your walk by no later than May.

Science Central: Ghost Investigators (documentary). Tonight: An office in a suburban strip mall is haunted by ghosts of two deceased paranormal investigators.

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ANNOUNCEMENT.

IT APPEARS THAT the show advertised for tonight at Heptagon Gardens, entitled “A Skeptic’s Christmas Carol,” and supposedly featuring Richard Dawkins in the lead singing part, was a hoax. The management of Heptagon Gardens apologizes to the many honest customers who were duped into buying non-refundable tickets, but really we were just as surprised as the rest of you.

NOW IN PREPARATION.

A New Approach to Baraminology, by Dr. Orbin S. Thicke, Ph.D., and the Rev. Bob-Bob Lee, D.M., Fellows of the Institute for Noachian Studies.

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BARAMINOLOGY, THE SCIENCE of determining the biblical kinds, has made great strides in recent years, as creation scientists have applied statistical analysis to the problem of classifying species in their proper baramins.

One problem, however, has until now remained intractable: the question of which taxonomic rank properly represents the baramin, or original created kind, beyond which it is not permissible to search for common ancestors.

We believe the question has been approached from the wrong direction, with creation scientists attempting to answer it by analyzing current species’ common characteristics and working backward to the original baramin. In doing so they ignore vital data. Scripture is vague on the number of created kinds, but it is extraordinarily specific in describing the dimensions of the ark, in which all the baramins of animal creation were preserved.

By assembling information about the size and feeding requirements of every known creature of the present day, we are able to calculate an average space needed for each animal on the ark. Given the dimensions of the ark specified in the sixth chapter of Genesis, it then becomes a trifling mathematical exercise to determine approximately how many animals were housed on board the ark, each breeding pair of which, as one of the sources of all succeeding animal life, must correspond to a single baramin. (Adjustments must be made for the clean animals, of each of which seven were taken aboard the ark, but the principle remains relatively straightforward, on the reasonable assumption that the approximate ratio of clean to unclean animals has remained steady since the time of Noah.) By comparing that number to a standard taxonomic chart, it should be a simple matter to determine which taxonomic rank most closely corresponds to the baramin.

The results of this study will revolutionize the field of creation science, putting it for the first time on a comparable level with reflexology, astrology, psychology, and other sciences of undisputed certainty and utility.

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Pre-order your copy now from the Institute for Noachian Studies for delivery in February of 2043.

OUR VALUED CORRESPONDENTS.

THERE IS NOTHING Dr. Boli values so much as a sincere compliment. He lives, in fact, on nothing but goodwill and Yunnan tea, a diet to which he attributes the remarkable vigor he enjoys at his advanced age. The meager scraps of commendation that trickle in from around the world are enough to keep him satisfied, for he believes in moderation in all things. One recent correspondent, however, spread such a lavish banquet of praise that the most gluttonous appetite must have been satiated long before reaching the end of the comment. Dr. Boli takes the liberty of reproducing some of that comment here, though stripped of the links to medical products of which Dr. Boli is happy to be able to say he has no need.

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There is much more in the same vein; the original comment ran to 2,290 words, or four pages in American letter size of single-spaced type (without the spaces between paragraphs that Dr. Boli’s secretary has helpfully added for legibility’s sake).

Dr. Boli is always happy to know that his readers find his humble magazine glorious, or that it assisted them a ton. Even Dr. Boli, however, has his limits; praise that is too fulsome and effusive tends to give him difficulties with his digestion, which, if he were not so familiar with the symptoms from similar episodes in the past, he might well have mistaken for Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment. He therefore asks that his readers limit their praise to such ordinary and moderate effusions as can be contained within five hundred words or so.

DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

Classical-Music Section.

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Beethoven. Although Ludwig van Beethoven was happy to take credit for all nine symphonies, it is now generally accepted that the second, fourth, and eighth symphonies were written by Ludwig’s first cousin Fred van Beethoven.

Bizet. The Plagiarism Hall of Fame in Steubenville, Ohio, an institution that honors the artists who have most successfully built a career on the backs of previous artists’ works, is adorned with a statue of Georges Bizet at the entrance, taken from designs by Rodin but with Bizet’s head swapped in.

Gounod. The name “Gounod” was a pseudonym; the composer Charles Francois took it from the name of a popular local cheese.

Liszt. Franz Liszt broke an average of two pianos a week for most of his career.

Rossini. Although classical-music fans are generally ignorant of his accomplishment, jazz scholars credit Gioachino Rossini with the invention of the “riff.”

Tchaikovsky. All other Russian names that begin with the letter Ч are transliterated with a Ch in English, but Tchaikovsky’s name is transliterated with a Tch. The anomaly is due to the acrimony of Tchaikovsky’s enemies in the English-speaking music press, who wished to make sure that Tchaikovsky’s name would always appear last in alphabetical lists of Russian composers.

Wagner. For his final opera, Parsifal, Richard Wagner had originally written his hero’s leitmotiv as a single D# played on a trombone and held for sixteen bars. His wife talked him out of it.

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THE DUCK.

From Dr. Boli’s Fables for Children Who Are Too Old to Believe in Fables.

ONCE TWO SCIENTISTS—it hardly matters what sort—were walking before dinner beside a pleasant pond with their friend, a reporter for the Dispatch, when they happened to notice a bird standing beside the water.

“I am a skeptic,” said the first scientist. “I demand convincing evidence before I make an assertion. But I believe I can identify that bird, beyond all reasonable doubt, as a duck.” The journalist nodded silently at this assertion.

“I also am a skeptic,” said the second, “but evidently of a more refined sort, for I demand a much higher standard of evidence than you do. I see no irrefutable evidence to back up your assertion that this object before us is even a bird, let alone positively identifying it as a duck.” The journalist raised his eyebrow sagely.

“But what of the feathers?” the first scientist demanded. “Surely you must have noticed the feathers, which are the veritable hallmark, so to speak, of a bird.”

“I have seen nearly identical feathers on a feather duster,” the second replied. “At present the evidence is not strong enough to say whether the object before us is a member of the avian genus Anas or a common household implement.” The journalist held his chin and pondered this revelation.

“But this object has two legs, and walks upon the ground,” the first scientist objected.

“So indeed do many members of the genus Homo, including our own species,” the second replied, and the journalist smiled a knowing smile.

“But this creature has webbed feet,” the first scientist pointed out, his voice rising slightly.

“My cousin Albrecht has webbed feet,” the second replied. “You are making my case for me by presenting not one but two compelling pieces of evidence that this object is in fact a member of the genus Homo, and very likely my cousin Albrecht.” The journalist looked up, as though he were carefully weighing the argument.

“But it has a broad and flat bill,” the first scientist said.

“The platypus has a broad and flat bill,” the second pointed out, “and so has a baseball cap. Since we have much evidence that suggests the object is a member of the genus Homo, and some that suggests it belongs to the genus Ornithorhynchus, it seems reasonable to suppose, as a provisional hypothesis, that the object is a mammal, and with somewhat less certainty we may identify it as my cousin Albrecht wearing a baseball cap.” The journalist, unable to suppress his instincts any longer, produced a long, narrow notebook and began to scribble furiously.

“But it has feathers!” the first scientist shouted. “It has feathers, and two legs, and webbed feet, and a broad flat bill, and it says ‘quack,’ and—look—it’s gone into the pond now, and it’s floating on the water. It’s a duck!”

“Each one of those observations is susceptible of a different explanation,” the second scientist responded calmly. “Where is your compelling evidence?”

The first scientist slapped his forehead. Then, calming himself, he turned to his friend the reporter. “Since we seem unable to reach a conclusion,” he said, “would you be kind enough to favor us with your opinion?”

“Reputable scientists disagree,” said the journalist. “There is a debate. The question is far from settled. The truth probably lies between the two extremes of duck and not-duck.”

So the two scientists both stomped away in dudgeon and hostility, and the journalist, unable by himself to decide where to eat dinner, starved to death.

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ANNOUNCEMENT.

COUNTY POLICE HAVE asked us to inform the public that the Great Blando has been found safe in the library of Woodville State Hospital. He had apparently fallen asleep among the Chatham Collection of Minor Nineteenth-Century British Poets, a 927-volume set that occupies a wing of its own in the hospital library seldom visited either by patrons or by librarians. Librarians were alerted to his presence by loud snoring. Police would like to take this opportunity to thank the many people who called to report having seen the Great Blando in schools, in shopping malls, on streetcars, under their beds, &c., but are forced to conclude that it must have been that guy who looks just like him.