WANTED: CONSUMPTIVE SOPRANO to play in new Verdi production. Modern audiences demand realism in their operas, and our attempts to stage Traviata with healthy Violettas have met with indifferent success at best. Please do not apply if you are not already knocking on death’s door. Reasonable medical bills paid. McKees Rocks Opera & Singing Telegram Co., McKees Rocks.
THINGS TO DO WHILE SNOWBOUND WITH NO HEAT OR ELECTRIC POWER.
WRITE A BIOGRAPHY of William Henry Harrison entirely from memory. Then use the old encyclopedia in the basement to see how close you came. Give yourself two points for every date you got right.
If you have a gas stove that you can light with a match, make a dinner using everything in the pantry that will fit in one pot. Call it a “gumbo.” If challenged, explain that mangoes are traditional in the gumbo recipes of St. Pierre and Miquelon.
Make your own Internet out of tin cans and string.
Call the electric company and report an outage, but give a fictitious address. This provides the beleaguered telephone representatives with precious amusement to relieve the stress of the emergency.
Paint pictures on the television screen, then erase them and repaint them. If you do this thirty times a second, you will create the illusion that you are watching television.
Shiver. Award prizes for the best or most creative shivering.
Shake your fist at heaven. Use any resulting fire or brimstone to heat your house.
DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Founding Fathers Supplement.
Adams, John. According to the rationalist scheme proposed in the first draft of the Constitution of the United States, John Adams was scheduled to be the first President, followed by Josiah Bartlett, and then George Clymer, and so on down the alphabet. No provision was made for more than 25 presidential administrations, the letter J being, as usual for the time, left out. The scheme was scuttled when George Washington pointed out that he himself would be 143 years of age at the commencement of his term of office.
Carroll, Charles. Charles Carroll of Carrollton refused to attend the Continental Congress without his wife, Carol Carroll of Carrollton.
Franklin, Benjamin. In addition to his many other accomplishments, Benjamin Franklin invented the first practical secret decoder ring.
Hancock, John. In his grammar-school days, young Johnny Hancock consistently earned Fs in penmanship.
J., John. Though he was tremendously influential in the early days of the United States of America, ultimately becoming the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, the mysterious John J. steadfastly refused to reveal his surname, and indeed carried his secret with him to the grave.
Jefferson, Thomas. Thomas Jefferson delighted in mechanical pranks, and dozens of visitors to Monticello are still injured every year by his amusing little booby traps scattered about the house.
Washington, George. Besides his wooden teeth, George Washington also had Fiberglas toenails.
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FOR IMMEDIATE SALE: One used groundhog (woodchuck). Slightly defective. Apply to Dept. of Meteorology, Borough of Punxsutawney. Groundchuck (woodhog) must be picked up by purchaser no later than February 15, 2010, to make room for installation of improved mechanically animated groundhog (woodchuck).
ASK DR. BOLI.
Mr. Dr. Boli Sir, You do not happen to be related to my neighbor, do you? His name is Mr. Gregory, he owns a few horses, and he often wears a black leather jacket. My venerable mother, upon seeing your picture, insists that you must be at least remotely related. Second cousins, she suggests. My opinion is that the alleged association is pure flapdoodle. Please give me the truth as soon as possible, Dr. Boli, for I distrust that villainous thing known as curiosity. After all, the legend says that it did kill a cat. Who indeed knows what it might do next! Truly, if second cousins sprout up everywhere, what is a delicate young lady to do! Please help me! —Very truly yours, Miss MadMadeline Bassett.
Dear Madam: Dr. Boli has many cousins bearing such names as Böli, Behli, Beli, Baily, Bailey, and Glatfelter. He was also a fourth cousin to King William I of Prussia, but regrettable family disagreements provoked what ultimately became a permanent estrangement. He is not aware of anyone named Gregory among his fifth, sixth, or seventh cousins, but he has only the vaguest notion of his cousins once they reach the double digits.
You will be delighted to hear that the latest research indicates that curiosity did not kill the cat. The case has therefore been reopened, and city police are confidently expecting an arrest within the next few days. Curiosity has been released with an apology and a complimentary set of dishes.
Dr. Boli is, however, sorry to see from your signature that you, madam, appear to have gone mad since he was last in touch with you. He might have warned you that any alliance with the Black Shorts, marital or otherwise, was likely to end in misery.
