ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: What is the meaning of life? —Sincerely, His Holiness the Mahalama of Lamarama, age 8.

Dear Sir: Dr. Johnson, on whom Dr. Boli relies in all such matters, defines “life” as “union and co-operation of soul with body; vitality; animation.” He also gives many derivative meanings for the word, which you would do well to peruse. Indeed, Dr. Boli recommends the study of Johnson’s dictionary to all who are curious about the meanings of words. A well-made dictionary is a companion for life, and Dr. Boli has never found in Johnson’s any cause for disappointment.

It has always been Dr. Boli’s opinion that it is a mistake to go beyond Johnson in looking for the meaning of a word. But he is aware that you, like many other correspondents who have posed the same question, may be asking a deeper and more philosophical question. You may, in fact, be inquiring as to your purpose in life: that is, the task or destiny which will give your life its aim or goal.

Dr. Boli will therefore attempt to give a universal answer to this question, which apparently plagues too many idle youngsters in our modern culture. Your purpose in life, and the purpose of every other living being, is to amuse Dr. Boli. And Dr. Boli would like to add, speaking personally not only to you but also to the rest of the created universe, that you are all doing a fine job of it.

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ASK DR. BOLI.

Dear Dr. Boli: This afternoon I heard the most delightful music in the distance. So aetherial was the heavenly melody that at first I thought the angels were playing their harps, and I admit to having wondered momentarily whether my time had come. But recollecting that a trumpet was supposed to be involved when we are all called home, I ran to the porch, and perceived that the celestial melody approached nearer, until at last a vehicle, white as Gabriel’s chariot (if Gabriel has a chariot; perhaps you might address this question as well), appeared over the top of the hill. I shall not delay further, but cut to the point: the vehicle, it transpired, was filled with the most astonishing variety of frozen desserts, which I verily believe were sent from heaven itself, to be made available at reasonable prices for the refreshment of good people everywhere. I myself partook of what was described as a “Fudge Sickle,” though it bore no resemblance to the agricultural implement for which it seemed to be named. I have never been so pleased with a purchase in my life. A question, however, occurred to me as I read the fine print on the wrapping. What is a “quiescently frozen confection”? —Sincerely, The Really Quite Revd. Laurentius Thudwhumple, Cardinal Archbishop of Stanton Heights.

Dear Sir: A “quiescently frozen confection” is, as the term implies, a confection that didn’t put up a fight. Most species of the genus Confectio are stoical by nature, and would rather accept the inevitable than make an unseemly fuss. They are placid creatures, easily trapped, and nature has given them no real means of defending themselves. Brenneman’s Footlong Icie Delite (Confectio gracilis) occasionally attempts a desultory defense by dropping pieces of cold ice on an attacker’s feet; and the Wackee Twistee Frooti-Cane (Confectio cernua) may frighten potential predators with its vivid and colorful markings; but on the whole they are in no wise dangerous, and no special effort is required to catch them, bind them, and drop them into the freezer.

The archangel Gabriel drives a Packard from the classic period, which is scrupulously maintained in as-new condition by the journeyman angels.

Dr. Boli wonders whether your question is at all representative of your homilies. He knows, and can recommend, a very good editor who might be able to tighten them up a bit.

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YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US.

THANK YOU FOR calling the 911 Emergency Services Hotline. All our operators are busy at the moment, but your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.

Did you know that the 911 Emergency Services Hotline is now a county-wide service? All our operations have been streamlined for maximum efficiency to better serve you, our customers. Your county government cares about you.

All our operators are still busy at the moment, but your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.

The Yohogania County 911 Emergency Services Hotline utilizes the latest in emergency-response telephony to improve your 911 service experience. Your tax dollars have been wisely invested in the most modern computerized switching and call-transfer equipment. Your county government works hard to make the best use of the money you entrust to us.

All our operators are still busy at the moment, but your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.

On-hold music for the 911 Emergency Services Hotline has been provided for your listening pleasure by Acoustic Relaxations, Inc., a Yohogania-County-based service providing fine unchallenging solo guitar music for background purposes to businesses and institutions for over fifteen years. Your county government supports the arts.

All our operators are still busy at the moment, but your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.

Your Yohogania County 911 Emergency Services Hotline is supported in part by a grant from FEMA, the Federal Emergency Medley Administration, which promulgates standards for on-hold music for emergency hotlines nationwide. You may be assured that the on-hold music you are enjoying right now meets the strictest federal standards.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the 911 Emergency Services Hotline is experiencing a heavier-than-normal call volume at this time. Please hang up now and call back at a less congested time. We apologize for any inconvenience. Thank you.

POST THIS NOTICE.

UNDER THE PROVISIONS of the Odd Behavior Act of 2009, this notice must be prominently posted in every place where public business is transacted. As a free public service, Dr. Boli has provided a copy for you to download and print. Post it now, before the Behavioral Inspections Bureau pays a visit.

Click on the image to download this poster in PDF form.

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CAPTAIN PLEONASM FACES THE FUTURE.

[In honor of the second anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting a number of his own favorite articles from the past two years.]

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Although no recordings of the old Captain Pleonasm radio serial have survived, a number of the original scripts were recently unearthed in the archives of the Northern Broadcasting Company.

ANNOUNCER. Malt-O-Cod, the delicious and nutritious malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…

(Music: Theme, up and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. The Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy! Now featuring the Malt-O-Cod Orchestra and Chorus, directed by Paul Hindemith.

(Music: In full.)

CHORUS. Don’t throw a fit or have a spasm:
It’s time for Captain Pleonasm!
He battles evil, and, forsooth,
He fights for justice and for truth!
He hates the bad and loves the good,
As self-respecting heroes should.
He conquers villains strange and odd,
And saves the world for Malt-O-Cod!

(Music: Fade.)

ANNOUNCER. As you recall, in last week’s episode, Captain Pleonasm and Interjection Boy found themselves facing a strange new villain.

INTERJECTON BOY. Oscillatin’ ocelots, Captain Pleonasm! It’s just a crumbly old man in a funny costume!

(Music: stinger.)

LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM (aged voice). Is that so, Interjection Boy? Is that what you think of me now? Well, Captain Pleonasm, perhaps you will disregard and ignore Interjection Boy’s intemperate and ill-considered remarks. Perhaps you will pay no attention to him at all when you discover the truth of who I am. Perhaps you will set aside the boy’s incontinent logorrhea and—

INTERJECTION BOY. Marry come up, Captain Pleonasm! He talks just like you!

CAPT. PLEONASM. Indeed he does, Interjection Boy! He speaks with the same carefully constructed and balanced rhetorical exactitude which I have always cultivated. His periods move with the same impeccable rhythm that it has always been my studious endeavor to maintain. Could it be, sir—could it be that you are my long-lost father?

LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. No, you idiot! Mercy, I forgot how dim I used to be. Can it be that I was ever such a moron? You know perfectly well your father is alive and well in Tarpon Springs. The only reason you’ve “lost” him is because Interjection Boy set fire to your address book when he was playing with your Inferno Ray.

INTERJECTION BOY. Red-hot yams, Captain Pleonasm! How does he know about that? You promised not to tell anybody!

CAPT. PLEONASM. Then who, sir, are you? What is your name, and whence do you come?

LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. I’m you, you lackwit fool!

(Music: stinger.)

LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. My name is Lieutenant Colonel Pleonasm, and I am you from the future. I have come back here thanks to the recent commercial availability of inexpensive and reliable time machines.

INTERJECTION BOY. Holy persimmons!

CAPT. PLEONASM. Then you are I, and I am yourself! We are identical, though different in age. Separated in time, we are yet united in identity.

LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. I knew you were going to say that.

CAPT. PLEONASM. Then can it be that you have come back to aid me in my darkest hour? Is there some diabolical plot afoot, so fearful in its complexity, so awesome in its power, that only the two of us working together, with your superior future technology, can defeat it? Have you come to offer me the benefit of my own future cooperation?

LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. No, you ignorant booby! I’ve come back to destroy you. I’ve returned to wipe you clean from the pages of history.

INTERJECTION BOY. But, jodhpurs, Lieutenant Colonel Pleonasm! Why?

LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. Because I’ve turned evil in my old age! Forsaking the good, I have found far more profit and satisfaction in villainy! Yet the world would be a much more secure place for villainy had my former self not dedicated his life to making the world safe for good.

INTERJECTION BOY. But, gallopin’ gnus, Lieutenant Colonel Pleonasm! Does this mean I turned evil in the future, too?

LIEUT. COL. PLEONASM. No, you opened a Peugeot dealership on Baum Boulevard. I have no quarrel with you. My quarrel is only with myself. If I destroy my former good self now, all his works for good will never have happened!

(Music: Stinger.)

ANNOUNCER. Is this the end for Captain Pleonasm? Will his future destroy his present? Will his present destroy his future? Will his future, by destroying his present, destroy his future as well? Will Interjection Boy be able to make a living selling unreliable French cars to American drivers? Don’t miss next week’s enthralling and riveting episode of the Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy!

(Music: Theme, in full and under for…)

ANNOUNCER. When Captain Pleonasm wakes up in the morning, what’s the first thing he asks for? It’s Malt-O-Cod, the only malt beverage flavored with 100% real cod-liver oil. Kids, ask your moms for Malt-O-Cod, now with an official Captain Pleonasm demitasse spoon in every package. It’s the malt food drink that’s brain food—Malt-O-Cod.

(Music: In full, then out.)

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